Eliza J's Mother

Eliza J stood patiently in front of her daddy as he brushed through her tangled mess of damp curls. She had the shells she’d collected all day long to keep her busy while he worked the brush tenderly through each spiral. Her favorite shell was solid white and barely had any missing chunks or cracks. But she admired the others all the same.

“There you go, little one.” Her daddy nudged her gently by the shoulder and said, “Now, go back to our tent and get out of that wet bathing suit. We’ll have just enough time to take a short hike before Grandma gets supper cooked.”

Eliza J ran past three of her cousins, across the campground, and into the tent while her daddy took a rest in the lawn chair next to his sister, Patsy.

“She’s happy, Bobby.”

“Oh yeah, she is. Mostly.” He sighed and ran the back of his hand across his solid black beard. His eyes and all the worry clouding them were hidden behind a dark pair of aviators. “She misses her mother.”

“Of course she does. What little girl wouldn’t?”

Bobby nodded his head in agreement. The fresh air of the forest calmed him. The annual family camping trip provided a much needed escape for both him and Eliza J.

“She called me last week and asked if she could pick Eliza J up. Saturday was her day off and she wanted to spend it with her daughter.”

Patsy took a sip of beer and continued to swing her crossed leg slowly back and forth. She gave her brother the space he needed to talk to her without pelting him with questions.

“I messed up and told Eliza J her mother was coming to pick her up. I thought it would give her something to look forward to. Saturday came and she never showed up - never even called to say she couldn’t make it.” Bobby looked over at Patsy and finished with, “Eliza J stared out that window all day long waiting on her mother. I eventually had to let her fall asleep in front of the window and then move her to her bedroom later.” Bobby hung his head and shook the pain away.

“Oh, Bobby. You’ve got a tough little girl. She’s going to be okay. All of us are here for her to lean on. We’re here for you, too..” Patsy did her best to reassure her brother.

“It’s amazing how happy she is, in spite of all she’s been through,” he agreed. “School is her favorite place. You should see her grades. Her teachers have nothing but wonderful things to say about her work and her ability to make friends. Camping and hiking here with all of you is so good for her. She especially loves the lake.”

They both smiled at the memory of watching little Eliza J splash around in the lake all day long.

“My little girl wouldn’t know an ounce of pain if not for her mother.”

***

Eliza J lounged back on the blanket spread out on the creek bank. With her hands clasped behind her head and her legs crossed at the ankles, she stared up into the lazy afternoon clouds and watched them slowly roll past. Miles stretched out on his side right next to her with his head resting on his hand so he could stare down at her adoringly. 

She never remembered feeling more content with life. She’d just gotten her driver’s license and her very own car. Granted, it wasn’t much to look at and it had 123,436 miles on it, but it was hers. It got her where she needed to go with little to no trouble most of the time, and it set her free in a way she’d never experienced before. 

Her new found freedom was great but it wasn’t like she ever felt the need to get away from home. Her dad was the greatest man she knew. The sacrifices he’d made over the years, just to ensure her happiness, were countless. His life’s mission was to provide her with the most loving and nurturing home possible. And, in her opinion, he’d succeeded. How lucky she was to have him as her rock.

And then there was Miles, her boyfriend of nearly six months. She wasn’t sure if she was in love with him, but she felt like maybe she was. She found it easy to talk to him and he made her laugh. He understood her, but challenged her at the same time.

Miles interrupted Eliza J’s reflections and asked, “What time does your dad want you home tonight?” 

“I should get home early,” she said, lifting her body to a sitting position. “I have to go to my mom’s tomorrow morning.”

“Hmm.” He shot her a quick empathetic look. “I’m sorry. I know you don’t always like going over there.”

“No,” she shook her head, “it should be okay. It’s just…” She hesitated.

“Go ahead,” Miles encouraged her. “You know you can talk to me.”

Eliza J smiled and then continued slowly, “I was just lying here thinking about all of the great things in my life so if feels wrong, somehow, to complain about my mother.”

Miles plucked at some grass just beyond the edge of the picnic blanket and tossed it out of reach. “I think it’s okay to be thankful and still wish something was different.”

 “I wish that one part of my life was different. I wish she understood me. I wish she hadn’t thrown away so many years getting to know me while she was putting her life back on track. Now that she’s coming back around, it’s hard talking to her because I feel…” she searched for the right word. “I feel cheated out of a mother-daughter relationship that could have been amazing and I blame her.” 

Eliza J hugged her knees to her chest and stared out into the flowing water. “Do you know what she said to me the last time we talked?”

Miles shook his head and patiently waited for her to continue.

“She told me she was proud of me. That’s it. All she said was that she was proud of me and I’ve never been more offended.”

“Why?” He didn’t understand.

“Because anything I’ve accomplished or done well has absolutely nothing to do with her. Why should she feel proud? She didn’t contribute to any of it. She gave up the right to feel proud the moment she walked away from Dad and me all those years ago.” Eliza J looked anguished to admit her true feelings. She concluded with, “I realized I don’t even really know my mom and she doesn’t know me. But if we were perfect strangers and I met her on the street, we probably wouldn’t be friends.”

***

Eliza J placed both of her hands on Pete’s shoulders and bent down to kiss him on the cheek. He politely paused his conversation with the rehearsal dinner guests and stood to face her. He gave her a proper kiss and held both her hands in his.

“I’m going to walk my mother to her car.” She had a dreamy bride-to-be gleam in her eye as she spoke to the love of her life. “I’ll be right back.”

“Don’t be long,” he begged, then kissed her one more time before she walked across the room and met up with her mother.

Eliza J reached out to take a bag from her and subconsciously breathed a contented sigh.

“This was lovely.”

Eliza J murmured a gentle sound of agreement.

They walked side by side, arms linked, to the car and stopped at the trunk where Eliza J waited patiently for her mother to unlock it and start loading up bags.

“Thank you for everything tonight, Mom. We couldn’t have pulled it off without your help.” Eliza J bent to give her a light peck on the cheek. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Eliza J, honey, just a minute.” Her mother looked nervous. Tears began to pool in her eyes.

“What is it, Mom?”

“Tomorrow’s a real big day and… oh gosh. I just have so much I want to say.” She held the back of her hand to her lips in distress. “I just want you to be so, so happy.”

“I am, Mom. I am happy.” Eliza J had grown used to seeing her mother cry over the years. She suspected her mother carried a lot of guilt for her absence in Eliza J’s childhood and that made her emotional. 

A muffled cry escaped her lips and she said, “Just make sure you never, ever settle. Okay? Can you do that?”

Eliza J’s mood sobered quickly. What was her mother trying to tell her on the night before her wedding? Did she disapprove of Pete? Or was she simply projecting her own life regrets onto her? She felt sure she’d never know with her mother. But, either way she’d managed to blemish what had been the best day of Eliza J’s life thus far. If not for that one comment from her mother, this would have been the perfect day.

***

From a comfortable seat by the slide, Eliza J watched Pete push their beautiful baby girl, Maisy, in the swing. Her giggle tripped along the breeze and carried all the way across the park. Eliza J couldn’t help but smile at the most beautiful sound she’d ever heard. Maisy’s blonde curly hair danced freely around her face as she swayed back and forth, back and forth.

As Eliza J delighted in Maisy from afar, she was suddenly stricken by the realization that Maisy was almost the same age she’d been when her mother had left. All of a sudden her stomach dropped to her ankles. How could anyone walk away from her own child at such a helpless age? 

Eliza J always thought motherhood would bring her closer to her own mother. Never did she imagine it would actually drive them even further apart. But in that moment she’d never understood her mother less.

***

Pete made his way to the patio table with a plate of fresh-off-the-grill ribeye steaks in hand, placed them in the middle of the table, and sat in the chair next to Eliza J.

“Oh, Maisy! I have to run, sweetheart. Your dad just brought the steaks over. Can I call you later? Okay. That sounds good. I’ll talk to you after your test tomorrow. Bye now.” Eliza J hung up the phone and tucked it away into her pocket. She leaned forward and placed her napkin in her lap.

“How’s our girl?”

Eliza J smiled. “She’s doing great. She has a big bio test tomorrow.” She poured a glass of wine for each of them.

“I’m sure she’ll do fine.”

She agreed as she devoured the first bite of steak.

“Oh, honey! This is perfect.”

“I’ve had a little practice over the years,” he boasted, taking his own bite. 

The couple sat quietly enjoying the delicious meal as the sun set just beyond the trees. After a few more bites Pete asked, “Did you talk to your mother today?”

Eliza J dabbed at the corners of her mouth with her napkin and took a sip of wine. “Yeah. She’s not doing well.”

“What’s going on?” he asked.

“She had that doctor’s appointment I told you about and the news wasn’t what she’d hoped.”

“I’m sorry, babe.”

Eliza J had lost her mother once before, back when she was a toddler. She thought that experience had prepared her to lose her mother again someday. But it hadn’t. It only made it harder. She’d spent a lot of years missing her mother. Sure, she eventually found her way back to Eliza J, but the broken trust had done so much damage. They did the best they could to have a mother-daughter relationship that made sense. But most days it was just so hard.

Now here she was, many years later, dreading what was sure to come. Soon she would lose her mother all over again and Eliza J simply wasn’t ready. 

***

Eliza J drove her SUV into the cemetery and along the familiar path back to her mother’s grave. She parked in the soft grass and pulled fresh potted mums out of the back of the vehicle. The next hour was spent pulling weeds that had grown up around the headstone, digging up the flowers she’d planted on each side of it back in the spring, and planting the gold and purple mums in their place. 

While she lovingly worked to maintain her mother’s grave, she reflected on her own life and was stunned by the beauty of it. She’d loved and been loved. She’d learned and made mistakes and learned some more. Eliza J had been married to the same wonderful man for well over half her life and together they’d raised a daughter in a home full of laughter and love. Maisy had grown into a beautiful, kind woman. She was her mother’s best friend. Eliza J might never have realized just how sweet it was to be Maisy’s best friend if not for her own mother. 

She and her mother had never been best friends. Their relationship had been much more complicated. But it didn’t matter that they were never best friends. The one thing Eliza J had always wished was different about her life was her very complicated relationship with her mother. Eventually, she realized that imperfection only enriched her life. Without the tough days, she wouldn’t know how good the best days were. It wasn’t true that she would be completely happy if it weren’t for her mother. Instead, her mother had only added flavor to her lifetime of complete happiness.