In the Shadow of the Beast

This story contains references to domestic abuse and violence though not in graphic detail as well as symptoms of PTSD. Please be mindful if these subjects are a trigger for you.

Thunder clapped overhead as though Zeus himself was preparing to wage war upon the land. The rain beat against the apartment window which already shook in its place from the raging winds. Lightening flashed blinding her for a moment then leaving little blobs of color floating in her eyes when she could see again. The lights flickered again, taunting or promising worse to come. The T.V. droned in the background, something to ease the sense of aloneness she felt. Though empowering, being on her own was also a little scary. Okay, maybe a lot scary if she was being honest with herself. She still had not gotten used to her new digs. The walls were thin, neighbors noisy, and the stove seemed to take forever to heat up – but it was hers at least for now. The furniture was sparse and had seen better days, but it was included thankfully because she didn’t have anything to her name. The apartment manager had looked at her with sympathy when she requested additional locks placed on the door and windows, but he had obliged her - for a fee of course. The entrance to the building required a key which gave a sense of security she sorely needed. Not quite as secure a feeling as the shelter had been, but better than her front door opening right out into the world. She opened the kitchen cupboard and pulled out a couple of candles, thankful the old lady next door had advised her she might need them in case a storm hit. Belatedly she realized she didn’t think to get any candle holders.

“Well, I’ll just have to MacGyver something up.” She chuckled to herself, as she pulled out a couple saucers and a chipped mug. She dug her lighter out of her pocket and lit one of the candles, turning it sideways to melt some of the wax onto the bottom of the cup and middle of the saucers before sticking a candle into each of the puddles. She put one onto the coffee table and each end table leaving the one candle lit so she wouldn’t need to try hunting them down if the power went out. That settled she slowly sat down on the couch, wincing at the pain from her side. Tired of listening to the depressing news, she turned the volume off on the television. Restless and nervous, she pulled out her phone and contemplated making a call. She was thankful that her social worker had helped her get a phone that would not be listed under her name. She thought about calling her mum but hesitated. She hadn’t told anyone yet about leaving Jason, let alone that she had filed for divorce. She wasn’t sure if she was embarrassed, or afraid to hear them say ‘I told you so’. She knew her mum was aware of Jason’s behavior or at least some of it from the early years. Seeing as he made sure she didn’t visit her family over the past five years, her mum at least didn’t know the worst. She needed to talk to someone, but would her mum want to? The one person she really wanted to call, she couldn’t. Tears burned her eyes, and her throat began to swell up as she thought about her friend Tammy, who had tried so hard to help her for the past three years. Her lawyer swore that she was going to be okay…in time, but for now at least she didn’t want to talk to Sara. It hurt, but she understood, Tammy had nearly died at Jason’s hands while helping Sara escape. The least Sara could do was to honor her wishes. Someday though, Sara vowed to herself, she was going to do something wonderful for Tammy to thank her for being there and for helping her to escape. For now, her social worker had encouraged her to try and rebuild her relationships with family members, saying that building a social network for support was important.

“Fuck it, let’s do this.” She lit a cigarette in her shaking fingers then dialed her mum’s number. Hoping her mum still had the same number from two years ago - the last time she had spoken with her. She blew out the inhaled smoke slowly as the phone began to ring.

“Hello?” her mum’s voice came through the speaker, causing Sara to almost cry.

“Mum? It’s Sara.” It was all she could get out past the lump in her throat.

“Sara?! Are you okay? Honey, we’ve been so worried about you. Where have you been? Albert! It’s Sara, it’s Sara on the phone!” Sara’s hand almost dropped the phone it was shaking so bad. Her whole body was shaking.

“Sara!” She heard her dad say her name, he must’ve picked up another phone in their house. “Sara darlin’ is it really you?”

“Yeah dad, it’s me.” Sara couldn’t hold it in anymore, the tears poured down her cheeks. She sobbed into the phone, unable to say a coherent word, just overwhelmed by hearing her parents’ voices for the first time in years.

“Sara, what’s going on? Are you okay? Where are you? I’ll come and get you!” She heard her father say.

She grabbed a tissue from the end table and blew her nose.

“Honey? Sara, we’re here luv. Talk to us.” Her mum’s voice sounded like she was crying too.

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry mum, dad! I miss you.” She gulped in some air and blew her nose again. The tears flowed freely but she felt a strange sense of hope, a hope that maybe her family still loved her after all this time.

“Sara Darlin’, what can we do for you? What do you need?” her dad’s voice sounded odd, like he was crying too.

“Can I, I mean I’d really like to see you. I could really use some help right now. There’s so much I need to tell you.” There she had put it out there, would they want to see her again or like Jason had said would they repudiate her?

“Darlin’, you know we’re here for you. Where are you?” Her dad replied quietly after a brief moment. 

She wondered if he had any idea about what she had been through, whether he would blame her for it or if he’d think she had brought it on. Jason had made her believe so many awful things, made her think that it was her fault every time he had hurt her. Supper wasn’t ready in time, or the toilet paper roll was hanging on the wrong side. Things that at one time she had thought didn’t think were important, but somehow with Jason everything had become a major deal over the past few years. She had lived as though walking on eggshells for so long, she didn’t know what was reasonable or not anymore it seemed. Realizing her parents were waiting for her response she took a deep breath, not sure exactly what all she was going to say.

“I’m in Belleville, Ontario dad. I…I got myself an apartment.” She stopped to take a deep breath, trying to keep her voice calm and less shaky. “Jason is in jail. I’ve left him and now I’m alone.” She released her breath slowly and counted to ten in her head before taking another deep breath. It was so hard to talk about!

“Oh honey!” her mum sounded sympathetic yet clearly at a loss for words.

“Brenda, go get the laptop for me would you hun? We’re going to need to look at what flights are available. Sara darlin’, you’re not alone. Not anymore. We’re coming baby girl, and we’re going to get you through this. Now, give me your address so’s we can get a hotel booked and know where we’re going.” Her dad soothed her with a sense of love.

Sara sighed in relief and felt overwhelmed at the unconditional support her father was offering. Looking down she realized her cigarette had burned to the filter. As she gave them her address and the number for her phone she squished the remains of the cigarette into the dirty ashtray. Needing to take a break from the intensity of the call she asked how her brother was doing and her mum obliged her by sharing all the family news for the next half hour while her dad figured out the logistics of their trip here. Finally, her dad came back on the line saying they would be here tomorrow night and that they would be texting her each step of the way during their travel. They were going to need to be at the airport really early and that they needed to get to bed.

“I’m sorry you’re hurting baby girl but I’m mighty glad to hear your voice again. We’ll see you soon. I love you.” Her dad’s voice was soothing.

“I love you too dad. And dad…thank you.” Thank you for just accepting me, for being there, for not turning me away. She didn’t say that of course, but somehow she felt he knew exactly what she meant as she hung up the phone. Exhausted, she sat in a daze for several minutes before it dawned on her that the thunder and lightening had eased off and only a soft pitter patter on the windows spoke of the remnants of the violent storm that had passed over. The lights had stopped flickering, prompting her to ease up from the couch to blow out the lit candle which had burned down quite a bit. She double checked the locks on the front door before heading to bed.

Sara woke to a text chiming from her phone. She glanced at the time and saw it was 2am, for her parents it was 5am and they were just arriving at the airport with their flight expected to leave on time in three hours. She smiled, then texted back a smiley emoji before drifting back to sleep. When the next text came through saying they were boarding the plane, she decided to get up and have some breakfast. After showering and getting dressed, she heard a knock at the door. She crept up to the door and peeked out the peep hole to see who was there. It was her lawyer! She quickly undid all the locks and opened the door.

“Good morning, Sara, may I come in?” Cheryl McDougall, Sara’s knight in courtroom armor stood there holding a large manilla envelope.

“Of course! Is that the paperwork? Did the judge sign off on it already?” Sara’s hands shook as she closed and locked the door behind Cheryl.

“Yes, the judge expedited your paperwork due to your circumstances. Let’s sit and go over it all shall we?” She acted as though Sara having so many locks was perfectly normal, making Sara feel more relaxed and less self-conscious.

An hour later and Sara had finished filling out the paperwork to change her name, and to have all the funds from the sale of the house and car placed into a bank account that would soon be listed under that name. Watch out world, here comes Serena Hop Fortier! She wondered briefly if her parents would like it, but like it or not this was who she was now. She had thought that Serena sounded close enough to Sara that she would likely respond to it. In another two weeks she would be free to move as far away from here as she liked, and go back to school to study for nursing.

“Perfect, I’ll get all this sorted out for you and let you know when your new I.D. documents come in. Otherwise, how’s your side healing up? I see the bruises have fully cleared up finally.” Cheryl asked, as always so conscientious of Sara’s many struggles.

“Yeah, everything is pretty much healed up except the scar on my side, it itches like crazy and hurts every time I bend or reach for something still. Some news though, I talked to my parents a bit last night and they’re coming here.” Sara blurted out, unsure why but knowing Cheryl wouldn’t mind.

“Are they? That’s wonderful news. Remember to tell them not to share your new name and phone number with anyone. I’m so glad your next chapter will start with them in your life again.” She said as she placed the paperwork into her briefcase.

“Let me walk you down to the door.” Sara offered as she undid all the locks.

“Are you sure?” Cheryl asked, pride and encouragement shining from her eyes.

“Yes. I need to get my mail anyways and I need to get used to living a normal life. I have you to thank for that! I really mean it, you’ve helped me so much!” Sara replied with budding confidence as they stepped over the threshold.

The stairway echoed loudly with Cheryl’s heels clicking on the cement steps, as they headed down towards the lobby. As they entered, Sara turned to the left to head towards the mail room and gave a wave of goodbye and a small smile to Cheryl as she headed to the outside door. As Sara turned from getting her mail out, she bumped into a young woman who was waiting to get into her mailbox next.

“Oops, sorry I didn’t mean to bump into you.” Sara said.

“She shouldn’t have been standing in your way. Move over Amy.” The tall, beefy guy behind her said as he pulled her towards him by her arm.

“No, no, he’s right. I’m sorry I was in your way.” The girl said.

“It’s no biggie, have a nice day.” Sara said, leery of the man who was still holding the girl’s arm and staring at Sara.

“Come on babe, let’s go upstairs. I want to spend the day with you.” Sara heard him say as she started to walk away.

“I can’t. I’ve got work today.” The girl replied so quietly Sara almost missed it.

“If you really loved me you’d want to spend the day with me too. Come on, it won’t hurt you to play hooky this once.” She heard him say just before she turned the corner to go back up the stairs.

Heart pounding, Sara ran up the stairs and struggled to unlock her apartment door with her shaking hands. As she finally got the door open and walked through, she saw the couple walking towards her on their way to the apartment two doors down. He was rubbing her back and whispering into her ear. He glanced up at Sara as they passed and smirked. Sara startled and closed the door and locked all the locks quickly with shaking hands. She knew exactly what he was whispering, sweet nothings, the spider web of lies that would sooth the girl for skipping work and praise her for showing him how much she loved him. Sara crouched down and began hyperventilating as she remembered a time four years ago when Jason had done that very same thing. 

Sara was not sure how long she sat there like that before she could focus on the cold, bumpy linoleum beneath her. She took a deep breath, then slowly released it. Thinking of Dr. Hollinger's coaching, Sara remembered she was supposed to find five things to focus on: feel, hear, smell, see, and something within herself. She closed her eyes and concentrated on what she could smell, tendrils of coffee lingered from her coffee that she hadn't finished. She could hear the Price is Right blaring on old Ms. Delaney's T.V. next door. Opening her eyes, she could see a light flashing on her phone by the couch - she had a text! Taking another slow breath, Sara felt her pulse begin to slow down as well. She crawled to the chair and used it to help lever herself up. Aching, and a little shaky, Sara felt a sense of triumph and confidence as she realized she had gotten herself through her panic attack without assistance. She might have to fight every step of the way as she moved on with her life, but one day - she swore to herself, Jason would not be a dark shadow in her life anymore. Standing just a little straighter, she walked over to her phone and read the text from her parents. They had landed and should arrive in about two hours depending on traffic on the highway. Sara looked at her mail and saw the catalogue from the college had arrived, her future it seemed was ready and waiting. It would not be easy, she knew that, but boy would she cherish every choice she would make and make the most of every choice!