Having Hope

I would like to say that I am not a hopeless romantic, but it’s times like this where I often find myself daydreaming of a love filled life with her. I mean, how can I help myself when she is sitting across the room from me, in a soft pink t-shirt, with her hair pulled back into a braid. Yes, I know, I really should be listening to my biology teacher lecture about the phases of mitosis, but I seriously cannot help myself. It’s only 9:34 in the morning, I still have three more classes and lunch to attend, but I don’t think my mind will be able to focus on anything further than the thought of her. My biology class is now ending, so I slowly gather my things together to pack away in my backpack, and I contemplate whether or not today is the day I finally talk to her. 

No, I can’t, what would I even say? “Uh hey Devyn, didn’t you think it was pretty cool when Ms.Fisher was showing slides of the transition from anaphase to telophase under a microscope?” 

“Oh hey Devyn! I just wanted to say that I really like your shirt, where did you get it?” Nope. None of my ideas seemed to please me, plus, either way, Devyn wouldn’t realize that I was trying to flirt with her, she would only see me as a random girl who she had never once talked to before. 

As I make my way towards algebra, my most despised class, I can't help but think of how different my life would be if my high school peers knew of my hidden sexuality. I would be the gay girl! Maybe Devyn would even notice me, and not see me as some random girl who is trying to befriend her, but instead of a girl who is trying to awkwardly flirt with her crush. However, I could also be “that gay girl”, and even further my chances of ever having a conversation with Devyn, and possibly dig myself into a deep isolated “I have no friends” grave. 

As I finally enter my Algebra class, I am thrown into a blushing surprise when I see a new girl sitting in the seat that usually remains empty beside me. I sit down, and she automatically asks me “Am I going to like this class?”, in a raspy voice that fills my stomach with flutters of happily dancing butterflies. 

I respond “I mean, does anyone actually enjoy algebra?” Awkwardly trying to avoid too much eye contact. 

She lets out a small laugh and says “Oh are you like, one of those people who answers questions with another question? Interesting…” she smiles, “What’s your sign? Like a capricorn or something?” 

I never payed much attention to astrology, but I mumble back to her “Uh, I’m actually a libra”, I notice my face starting to feel warm and I’m sure my cheeks are flushed into a rose color. 

“Oh okay, yeah, that makes sense” she says, still in that raspy humming voice, “My name is Danny by the way, I’m a leo, pisces rising and a libra moon, also proud member to the Slytherin house.” 

I feel a smile form on my face, as I shyly respond “My name is River, Hufflepuff house member.”

Our conversation was interrupted by Mr.Clarks monotone voice saying “Hello class, happy Tuesday. If everyone could please pass in last nights homework to the center aisles, thank you.” 

I start to sink into my pool of oblivious thoughts as Mr.Clark goes on and on about some algebraic nonsense that I am going to have to look up on YouTube later.

“Okay River, just because some random girl is giving you attention, does not mean that you have to form a crush on her” I say to myself. Yet, once again, I can’t help myself. I mean, she initiated a conversation with me, she has bright green welcoming eyes, and that raspy “I’m smart and sophisticated” voice. 

As class reaches its end, Danny turns to me and says “hey so, being the new girl every 6 months really sucks, but it’s taught me how to make friends easily” she hands me a folded up piece of paper and says “heres my number, instagram, snapchat, and my twitter! Thanks for making algebra bearable, text me later and we can do the homework together k?” And then she just simply walks out of class, without even giving me the chance to respond. 

2 Weeks Later 

For the past two weeks, I have somehow enjoyed going to my Algebra class. Danny and I have formed a friendship and I have spent less time day dreaming of a hopeless relationship with Devyn. Fine, I still gawk at her in biology and wonder how someone could possibly have perfectly placed freckles like that; but I no longer fantasize what it would be like to finally have a conversation with her. 

Instead, I’m getting to know Danny, which is short for Danielle by the way. Danielle Rose Smith. She has always moved around to different cities, her family follows wherever her father is stationed. She has three younger brothers, and an overly protective mother. She is confirmed, pansexual, which puts me in a good position considering I did let myself form a crush on her after all. 

She’s taught me a lot about astrology, we discovered that I have a scorpio rising and a libra moon to match my libra star. Apparently this means that I’m flirtatious, false, indecisive, true, charming, false, easygoing, true, and yep, you guessed it, a hopeless romantic, which unfortunately is true. Yet, at times the scorpio in me can get a little feisty. 

One day at lunch, she asked me “so, who’s your man crushes at this divine high school?” her eyes filled with curiosity. 

I felt my face flush and I looked down at my feet, trying to decide if it was the right time to tell her that I don’t have interests in any of the egocentric boys at this high school but instead, girls. 

“Oh my, I knew it, I totally knew it!” Danny said, with a smile on her face wider than I had ever seen and her voice pitched up into an excite filled tone, “you like girls!”

A smirk formed on my face and I let out a burst of laughter, “seriously, no one knows so you can’t be talking that loud about this okay?.” 

“Are you kidding me? I have to come out as pansexual to a group of random people my age every time I switch cities and you won’t tell the people you have grown up with that you like girls?” She questioned, still with an exciting tone to her voice that made me smile. “I mean, don’t you ever want a girlfriend?” 

My heart started to beat fast once she asked me that question, I nervously responded “well, yeah, but… look, I don’t know, maybe I’ll come out soon and get a girlfriend okay? Now get off my back and keep my secret safe with you.” 

“River, I promise you, you’ll get a girlfriend if you just come out, trust me.” She claimed, smiling at me with eyes that I swear were flirting with mine. 

As I walked into algebra today, Danny was eagerly looking at me as if she had some news that was going to change my whole life. I was right, I sat down and she said “okay, I have something very serious to tell you”

“Hi, Good morning to you too! What’s your news?” I say, smiling because I adore when her voice is so ecstatic that it levels up two octaves and her raspiness is masqueraded by animation. 

“So, there’s somebody that I have been crushing on” she says, her voice lowering back into its norm but companied by a sense of nervousness. I too felt as if my heart was going to crawl right out of my chest, as I sat there, anxiously hoping that somehow she could be telling me that I was the person she has been crushing on. “it’s this girl who I met in my photography class” she continues. 

My heart stopped crawling, but instead, sunk into a pool of disappointment, considering I was definitely not in her photography class; leaving me out of the picture. Still, I pulled myself together enough to say “awww! What girl, do I know her?” 

“Mmm, I’m not sure. Her name is Devyn. She’s got blonde hair and hangs out with the theatre kids a lot.” She says, without even knowing that what she just said dropped a bomb in my stomach. 

“Yeah, I think I have biology with her. She’s nice, have you been talking to her lately? I didn’t even know she was into girls.” I say, while screaming inside. 

“Yeah! She asked me for my number last Tuesday and we have been texting. We even went to that cute boba shop together on the corner of Arbor and Elk yesterday” she explains, her voice reaching into that high pitch again. 

“Alright Class, If I can have your attention please. I know it’s Friday, but we still need to focus on todays notes. Please pass in last nights homework” Mr. Clark lifelessly says. I had never been so happy to hear his voice, as it thankfully put an end to that unwanted, mind twisting conversation I was having with Danny. 

Out of all the girls in this high school, Devyn and Danny are going to get together? Devyn, the girl who I have been daydreaming about since the seventh grade and Danny, the new girl who finally seemed like someone was showing some interest in me. Right, that makes perfect sense. I watch the clock hands tick as Mr.Clarks voice is in the background, mumbling on about functions and formulas. I try my best to make sure my face is not reflecting the sorrow I feel on the inside. Yet, Danny still slides over a small piece of paper with the words “are you okay” written on it. I look at her and nod my head yes, and form a small fake smile on my face. Seriously, can these clock hands move any slower?

Finally it was 11:00 am, I quickly gather my things together and turn to Danny and say “Hey I really have to go to the bathroom, but let me know how things with Devyn go yeah? Good luck.” 

I walk out of the room and feel my nerves settle as I make my towards the bathroom. I decide to lock myself in a stall and skip out on lunch, my phone is blowing up with text messages from Danny. 

“Hey, are you sure you’re okay? Eat something funny this morning or what? Are you going to come to lunch?” 

“River???” 

“Okay well, let me know if you need some pepto or something okay? Feel better, and text me back soon. Going to try to find Devyn at lunch ;)” 

I call my mom and explain to her that I really need to come home, and that I wasn’t feeling well. My mom, the best person in the whole world, told me to “stay tight kid, I’m coming to get ya.”

Next thing I know, I’m in the living room of my house with my mom sitting beside me; tears are rolling down my face like a river. “Sweetheart, please tell mom what happened. I want to help you, and it breaks my heart to see my babygirl in pain” my mother said, her warm voice wrapping around me like a hug. 

“Mom” I said, forcing the tears to stop and swallowing any ounce of fear I had, “I like girls.” 

My mother grabbed my face with both of her hands and said “River, you are so strong. I am your mother, I see you every day and know you like a book I have read a million times, I know you like girls… about time you figured it out yourself kid. Now, wipe those tears of sadness because we should be celebrating! Celebrating because you have figured out a big part of who you are” she pulled me into her and held me. “sweetheart, be proud of who you are. I know I’m proud of you.” 

 4 Months Later 

I finished my freshman year as indeed, the gay girl. Most of my friends weren’t shocked by the news and claimed that they always knew it. Danny and Devyn dated for two months before Devyn abruptly broke up with Danny for the baseball teams star catcher, Richy Michaels. Danny and I remained good friends, she was so proud of me for coming out. Thankfully, my desperate crushes on both Danny and Devyn went away after the two of them started dating; mainly because they really did look good together and I didn’t want to ruin anything between them. Plus, Richy did that for me anyways. 

My sister and I went down to our dads place in California for the summer. My sister finally got her license and my dad said we can use his car to adventure San Diego whenever he’s not using it. So far, we have been riding along the coast of the beaches on our longboards and tanning on the sand most days. Last week, we met a group of kids our ages that play sand volleyball every Monday and Wednesday; not competitive, always just for fun. Last week we all conversed and exchanged socials and numbers. Josh, who was totally into my sister, insisted that we joined them the next time they played. 

So, today is Monday and my sister and I are getting ready to play some volleyball even though neither of us are athectlically gifted. “Julia, you know that Josh kid was definitely flirting with you right” I say, as I am braiding my hair into two long french braids, with desire that it will make me look a bit more athletic. 

“yeah, I noticed. He’s cute right? I don’t know, I guess we will see how it goes today. Maybe there will be a girl there that sparks your interest” She says, smiling at me with that comforting big sister loving look in her eyes. 

“Listen, I am basically hopeless when it comes to me meeting a girl who is actually interested in me at this point” I say, laughing because I truly do identify myself as hopeless now rather than that desperate hopeless romantic that I was a few months ago. 

Julia and I ride down to the beach where we find our new group of friends, some the same faces as last week, some new. We make up the teams and start to play the game when a voice shouts from behind me “Hey guys, wait for me! Sorry I’m late” 

I turn around to see a girl with perfectly complected skin, red curly hair, and freckles that scatter all throughout her body running towards us. Josh tells her to join my team, considering we were short one person. 

She stands next to me and says “Hey! You’re new, my name is Hope”. My stomach fills with jitters and I say “yeah, I’m River” suddenly Hope has filled me with hope, and I think, I’m in love.