Dilemmas of The Dignified

Howard, the father of the family, called out to everyone from the living room, “Well, it isn’t the router!”

Mark walked in from the hallway into the living room to inspect the odd blinking lights on the router for the thousandth time. He desperately asked once again, “Are you sure dad? It’s usually always the router.”

Howard glumly said, “Unfortunately, not this time son. I just spent a good thirty minutes on the phone with one of the agents of the company. He said they’re having outages all over the place due to excessive demand, not to mention all the other technicalities.”

Tessa, the youngest member of the Smith family, laid slumped down sideways with her legs dangling over the arm rest of one of the big Easy chairs in the center of the room. In response to her father’s announcement, she furiously challenged from the chair, “Must we lose everything?!”

Howard sympathized with his daughter, “Sorry sweetie, I know it sucks but hopefully it isn’t for long.  The agent said it should be up and running by tomorrow.”

Tessa jolted upright from the chair and turned her father in alarm, “Wait. Tomorrow?!”

Howard gave her a deadpan look and said, “Honey, that’s only a few hours away at this point, it’s already eight o’clock. I’m sure your social standing will survive the night.”

Sarah, the eldest Smith child, quipped, “Aw don’t worry dad, she just wants to check Instagram to see if Joey’s still seeing that girl.”

Tessa flashed an angry look at Sarah and defensively sneered, “Shut-up, you don’t know anything.”

Sarah raised her eyebrows at Tessa and replied, “Well I’m sure I know nothing compared to you. I mean I don’t have the time to stalk him on every social media platform known to man.”

Tessa, enraged, started off with a retort, “Hey, at least I have someone to –…”

“NOW, NOW CHILDREN,” Judith, their mother, commanded as she looked up from a book she had been reading while perched in the center of the couch. She snapped the book shut, plopped it on the side table next to her and slid her reading glasses down her nose to peer disapprovingly up at the girls.

“I have been wanting to read this book for no less than three years. Today, I had finally resolved to read it with my newly discovered free-time.  But now that you’ve all decided to interrupt my focus within the first ten minutes of my scholastic quest, I suggest, no, insist that we play a game, as a family,” their mother demanded.

A silent groan could be heard from each member of the family from all across the room. A moment of silence followed her announcement until it was interrupted by Mark giving a final, frustrated thwack to the router.

Sarah looked over at her mother in desperation and pleaded, “Must we, mother?”

Their mother, reticent to Sarah’s gaze, plainly replied, “We must.”

Howard and the kids cleaned off the medium sized coffee table in front of the couch while Judith went to go pick out a game from the closet.

Once everyone was stationed, with Howard sat on the couch and the kids lounging on the chairs and sprawled on the floor next to the table, Judith emerged with her game of choice “Dilemmas of the Dignified”. Howard chuckled as she placed it on the table.  He cheerfully recalled, “Oh, I remember this one. Sarah used to dress up a princess every time we played it, she used to love it.”

Tessa stifled a laugh at her sister while Sarah did her best to ignore it.

“Can we just get on with it...,” Sarah gloomily said.

Mark quipped, “Yea, it’s actually a pretty good game, we used to play it all the time. I’m not sure if Tessa has ever gotten to play it before though.”

“Oh, what’s it about?” asked Tessa.

“It’s a strategic game but everyone is assigned titles, like in a royal family. It’s a Smith family classic, I’m glad we got it out, you have to play it at least once,” said Judith.

“Well, where do we start?” Tessa quipped.

The family went on to explain the main rules and aims of the game to the youngster. Each player would pull a ‘Title Card’ which would detail the actions available to that player given their title and would also describe their ranking, advantages and disadvantages with respect to other player’s titles. Each player was also given a random amount of money, determined by a roll of the die, and certain amount of land allotted to their estate, determined by pulling an ‘Estate Card’.  Every turn, each player would pull a card from the ‘Deck of Odds’ and could be face with either a positive gain or a challenge induced by the card. The main objective was to build each of their respective estates throughout the game and to avoid ruin at all costs. The ultimate winner would be determined by he or she who did not fall into ruin, and would rule the entire kingdom. The only main stipulation of the game was that the players had to refer to each other by their titles, exclusively.

Tessa was excited to start and pulled the first ‘Title Card’ from the deck.  She turned it around for the others to see.

“Wow, ‘Princess’, there’s beginner’s luck if I’ve ever seen it,” Mark said in awe.

The rest of them pulled their cards and Mark was dubbed ‘Duke’, Judith became ‘Queen’, Sarah was titled ‘Countess’ and Howard settled in as ‘Baron’.

They were all given their respective assets and lands and began play in the same order as when they individually pulled their title cards. The beginning of the game was pretty tame with each player earning small gains due to trade and suffering small losses related to tax collections for the Crown. The first hiccup was reached in the third round when - to her horror - the Countess pulled the first ‘Riddle’ card.

“What are Riddle cards?” the Princess curiously asked.

“They’re terrible. The card basically gives you a really weird riddle to solve. If you get it right, you can move on and keep playing normally. If you get it wrong, you suffer the consequences detailed on the card, which can be downright destructive to your kingdom,” explained the Duke.

The Countess read the riddle aloud, “The Fox Is In Search Of The White Feathered Bird.”

She stared blankly at the card and looked up at her fellow nobles surrounding the table, searching their eyes for an answer. After a confused pause the Countess said, “Baron, you are an astute man of impressive academic standing.  I request urgent assistance from thee in resolving this conundrum which threatens to compromise my estate.”

The Baron nodded and said, “Of course Countess, I will assist in any way I can with what competence the Lorde has granted unto me.” The Baron pondered for a moment and then discussed the issue with the Countess quietly till they came to an answer.

The Countess announced, “A chicken, me thinks a chicken.”

The Queen promptly checked the back of the parchment where the answers were transcribed.

“Alas, I regret to say you are wrong,” the Queen humbly replied, “Tis a Dove.”

The Duke clucked his tongue as the Countess reviewed what challenge awaited her.

“I am to go to war with the Lord of the nearest county!?” the Countess read off her punishment with disdain, “I am not equipped with the funds nay the land for such an ambitious quest!”

She worriedly looked to the other nobles for help and desperately pleaded, “Duke, would you kindly send reinforcements? I am in dire need.”

The Duke looked down at the table and recalled many, many years ago when he and the Countess were young nobles. At times, she had not complied with his requests in times of need and he felt it would only be appropriate to return the favor during this particular crisis.

“Unfortunately, I do not have the spare reserves to send to you Dear Countess. But I wish you no ill will and hope that you are able to vanquish the Lord of that county,” the Duke replied. The Countess nodded glumly and the game continued, with his reluctance and her fear left hanging in the air. The Countess received aid from the Queen and declared war on the Lord and after an arduous battle, she won. But she was left with little of her estate.

After a few more rounds, the Countess received great news from the ‘Deck of Odds’ that she was to gain an unexpected inheritance.  After coming into her wealth, she declared war on the Duke.

The Duke replied in shock, “How could you?”

“How could you?? I knew you had the reserves, I could see them in your hands from over here!” the Countess said accusingly.

“You aren’t allowed to look at my reserves!” the Duke yelled, as he pulled his reserves closer to his face in an effort to hide them from the view of the Countess.

For the next few rounds, the Duke and the Countess were fiercely at war and each would lose significant portions of their estates at each turn. The Countess would plea to the Baron for assistance while the Duke would request help from the Queen. Both the Baron and the Queen would answer their requests but their reserves were also growing more limited with each turn.

In the midst of the ongoing scuffle, the Princess pulled a card and read it with pleasant surprise, “You have received an inquiry from a prospective suitor.”

She looked up at the other nobles and confessed, “Well I must say, I am inclined to accept. These times of war have not been kind to my social schedule, which has begun to appear rather barren.  I have not been receiving nearly as many letters of interest from romantic prospects across the land.”

Baron warned the Princess, “Be cautious dear Cousin, you know men are only after one thing…”

The Princess raised her eyebrow at the Baron questioningly.

The Baron explained, “Well your money, of course.”

The Queen added, “Yes darling, your youthful curiosity with the many throes of love may incline a fascination towards daring, mysterious men. But heed my warning carefully, men are oft as fickle as the very network which has vanished ever so swiftly and left our dear family adrift. The Countess over here could teach you a lesson or two about the vacillating men of the current day.”

Countess sharply looked at the Queen in a disapproving huff. After pondering for a moment, Countess gave a slow reluctant nod in agreement.

The Queen continued, “You need an honest suitor, one capable of holding your attraction but also of contributing a few pence in fuel for the carriage. We cannot afford to have a suitor running a debt on the family accounts.”

The Princess said, “Ok, ok. Well, I don’t want to appear rude, as I do have a reputation to uphold. I will respond in a friendly manner and just see what he’s like.”

She returned the card and took a suitor token from the “Chest of Risk”.

As the Countess and Duke continued the game and lost more and more of their estates, the Baron and the Queen began to grow concerned for the futures of their own estates. They discussed with one another and approached the war mongering nobles with a decision.

“The Queen and I have decided to settle our accounts and retire from the kingdom, to a mysterious foreign land known to the locals as ‘Fiji’. We are tired of living in a land of war and would rather resign from broadening our respective estates in favor of spending the rest of our lives in the tropics, living in peace,” announced the Baron.

The Baron and Queen allotted their estates to be separated equally amongst the other nobles and promptly left the kingdom for Fiji. Soon after their departure, the Princess began writing letters to her mysterious suitor.  At long last, the ‘Deck of Odds’ gave her instructions her to pull an ‘Identity Card’ from the deck if she had any suitors on stand-by. The card would reveal the station and intentions of her suitor. Just as the Princess reached to pull the card a loud ruckus was heard from the other side of the parlor.

Mark said, “Well I guess that’s the Wi-Fi back.”

Tessa was caught off guard and looked annoyingly over at her cell phone ringing over on the arm rest of the chair where she left it hours ago. She ignored it until it buzzed and buzzed so furiously that it fell down to the floor. She promptly got up and walked over to the cell phone only to turn it off and throw it back on the chair.

The Princess hurriedly rushed back to the table and pulled the card.

She gleefully exclaimed, “He is a Prince! A Prince from a wealthy kingdom! He heard of my beauty, and saw me at the last debutante ball! What’s more, he has virtuous intentions to marry me!!”

Her fellow nobles congratulated her on finding love during war.

The Countess looked up at the Duke and said, “Duke, I must confess, I feel insurmountable guilt for the devastation I have caused your estate. I would like to attribute my estate to your own and declare peace in our kingdom.”

The Duke nodded in agreement and said, “Yes, I feel the same, but me thinks we should merge our estates and live in riches together.”

The two declared peace and the Princess was declared the winner of this round of "Dilemmas of the Dignified".

The Smith family retired to their chambers that evening feeling even richer and more satisfied than before the blasted Wi-Fi network had departed their fair kingdom. The Baron and the Queen lived in bliss retired in Fiji. The Duke and the Countess lived happily together building their estate, making it the most opulent the land had ever seen and the Princess and her Prince lived happily ever after in love, in a faraway kingdom.