Present Mind

I stare at the dark screen of my phone that is utterly quiet and lays motionless on my nightstand. I should be sleeping early for my 8AM World Literature class, but instead, I'm expecting a text. I've never been a straight-forward person, but this week has proved that to be wrong. I told someone I had feelings for them. Someone I care about. The thing is, it's a bad idea to catch feelings for someone who's in the same friend group as you are. It just creates problems, even in university. I've just finished my first semester, and I've made some friends in my co-ed dorm. That's not to say I've participated in the hookup culture here or went partying even. I did something worse. I got a crush on someone I'm not supposed to. I couldn't help it. We had most of our classes together last semester and we always stayed late to study even after all the others went home for the night. We'd do all-nighters sometimes, which meant that we would get the freshest breakfast in the cafeteria, including the coffee. Or if I was still slumping on the couch in the lounge room in the early hours, he'd bring coffee and snacks for us before we headed to class. Studying away from home in a completely foreign place was stressful, but he certainly made me feel comfortable.

I lie back on my bed, staring up at the ceiling, sighing, hoping sleep would take me soon. I wish I could stop thinking about him. I hate the fear I feel, but I also feel the craze of anticipation. I think I've made a mistake anyway, but as I remember my friend Alyssa saying, "there are plenty of mistakes to be made in university," so I wasn't missing out.

~~~

I'm running late. I don't even have time to grab breakfast as I rush out the door. My roommate Erin has already left for her biology class but I'm not surprised as she's always been more put together than I am. Look at me, awaiting a text for three days, obsessing over a million likely scenarios in my mind. I move past other students who mill about in the quad, and I don't know whether to freak out that I'm late for my first class of the semester or if I should just decide to not go. But I have to go. Cecilia would kill me if I didn't. I round the corner and open the door of the old brick building that looks like a town hall from the outside. When I reach the designated room, it's awkward as hell. The professor is droning on about her life from what I'm hearing but cuts off from her sentence for a moment, just as I scamper through the entrance door, my boots clacking against the ground. There are at least three hundred people in this class, so I won't even bother finding Cecilia right now. I'll have to meet up with her after class. Hopefully, I can survive two hours running on a lack of sleep and no coffee. Probably not. I take off my coat and scarf and retrieve my laptop from my bag before realizing that no one else has theirs open. The professor is giving a lecture, but not about literature. She seems to be ranting on about life and anxiety and how to "keep calm" during university years. I check my laptop for any emails or texts as I don't want the professor to see me on my phone. Her experiences seem really interesting, but I need to keep myself awake somehow. I'm so desperate for his response that I fill with dread every time I reread the text I sent him.

"Do you like me?" I'd asked him after he hadn't responded to my other texts that revealed my affections for him. I'm so stupid. This is what mom always meant by a "weak woman". She'd said that there was a problem if a woman was chasing after a man's affections, but for me, it went both ways. I think no one should have to chase anyone, that if someone would care about another person they would tell them the truth. In my other texts, I'd told him that I wanted to speak to him when he got back from vacation and that I'd liked him. He'd seen my message, but no reply. So I stupidly asked him if he liked me. But obviously not, because if he did, he'd reply or reassure me at the least.

I zone back into the professor's rant, but this time, a student asks her a question.

"What are the job prospects after graduating?" This seemed like a reasonable enough question, but from the professor's response, I'd assume we were in a philosophy class instead.

The stocky professor just snorts, her hands on her hips.

"There's always a student who asks me that every year. You kids are always waiting for something. None of you live in the present. Waiting for prom, to graduate, to get married, to have kids...When does it end? Ask me that question in your last year, and you'll see how much things have changed." A multitude of students start debating with the professor about that statement, but she just smiles and welcomes more questions. She likes this. Unfortunately, I do not, especially not at 8:20AM in the morning when I haven't had any coffee.

I manage to meet up with Cecelia after class, and she just shakes her head at me but loops her arm through mine.

"You couldn't wake up!" She berates right away.

"I couldn't sleep!" I retort back but I know Cecilia won't accept this. She always acts like my mother.

"Please Em, don't tell me that you are still waiting for Alex to text you!" Her face is scrunched in concern as she adjusts her earmuffs.

I nod because I'm not a liar. But I am, however, desperate.

"Yes, but I haven't seen him since before the break! I just want some closure," I say, my voice growing softer, my head down. Cecelia doesn't seem too convinced as she rolls her eyes. But then she says,

"I think you should forget about him. He obviously doesn't care enough about you because he didn't reply. Please, Em, let's just go have fun," Cecilia pleads, her eyes locking onto mine. But it's Monday so I don't think fun is on the calendar today.

"I thought you and Alex were friends?" I ask, directing her away from the "fun" business because I know she'll find a way to drag me to a club, which she knows I despise.

She shrugs. "Nothing serious, and anyway, we can make more friends!" I groan as she pulls me along with our looped arms, out the door of the building, snow flattening under our feet. The air smells fresh of winter and new beginnings. Students meet up with their friends, big groups of laughing people, scarves wrapped tightly around their red faces.

"Can we just go get coffee then? I want to feel alive today," I suggest, staring in the direction of the cafeteria, in a building that was just across the quad. Cecilia grins, her face already growing red from the cold.

"You don't have to tell me twice," she says as we take the ten-minute walk, her telling me about her winter break and her crazy family.

In the cafeteria, we decide on pizza with our coffee, even though it is still breakfast time. But we don't care at all. There are some other students ordering bagels and tea, but we're the only ones sitting near a large window.

"I knew you and Alex had something going on," Cecilia remarks with a sly smile, munching on her pizza, acting like she's found out some big secret. "Our thing" was a secret for months until the rest of our friends found out that we'd been spending extra time together and started responding to the group chat less. Cecilia was the only one who didn't seem to care, but the others and I haven't talked since before the break.

"I thought you told me to forget him?" I remind her, looking down at my pizza. I drink my coffee instead. I have two more classes today, I need the caffeine to get going. Cecilia hums absentmindedly, which she usually does to annoy me.

"Okay, yes, but it got me thinking about your relationship. You guys are so cute together," she says, smiling sweetly. I shake my head at the girl.

"There is no relationship, and there is no 'together'," I wish there was, but Alex and I seemed to have different ideas about what we wanted.

"Em, I know that. I just remembered how you both were so kind to one another last semester and how you always blushed when he smiled at you. I barely noticed it then, but I'm remembering it now." I dig into my pizza so that I don't have to answer her.

"Maybe there is a reason that he didn't answer you. Maybe he didn't know what to say. You did give him a big revelation after all." If Alex cared even a bit, he would have responded. I'd spent the whole break thinking about him and texting him but I'd ruined everything. I had to ruin our friendship over one text, one insignificant question, for nothing. Our other friends, Ramona and Daniel, haven't spoken to us since. Even the last week before the break, everything felt a bit awkward, and Alex and I stopped hanging out as much. I just wanted him to know where I stood, and I just want him to answer that question, whether it's what I wanted to hear or not. I think I won't get what I want. There was a positive thing about attending university and now it's gone.

"How about Ramona and Daniel?" I ask, "have you spoken to them?" Cecilia sips her coffee slowly, her eyes down.

"Um, yes actually, in our group chat." I narrow my eyes upon hearing her response. Group chat? We only had one group chat that's been quiet for a month. Unless...

"Oh you mean, you have a separate group chat with them?" I ask carefully, trying not to act like I'm accusing Cecelia of something, which I'm not.

Cecilia nods hurriedly, putting a hand up in front of her face. "It's just... It's not like we're excluding you and Alex or anything. You know I wouldn't do that to you, Em." I didn't know what to think anymore. I don't answer so Cecelia continues anxiously, clasping her hands together.

"Ramona and Daniel just thought that you and Alex had gotten really close and separated from them so I guess it made us a bit closer..." Cecilia trails off, not knowing what else to say. She starts drumming her manicured nails on the wooden table. I lean my head against the palm of my hand, trying to process everything. Of course, I'm not angry at Cecelia, that would be immature and senseless. I just hoped that Ramona and Daniel didn't think that we were friends anymore. I needed to talk to them as soon as I could and clear things up.

"Are you upset, Emily?" Cecelia asks, looking worried, studying my face. I shake my head.

"No, don't worry. I just need time to fix things. I don't want all of us to drift apart from one another. I'm just ashamed I let a dumb crush get in the way of our group. And now, Alex ended up ghosting me. He didn't even have the audacity to answer if he liked me or not." I look at Cecilia and she's staring wide-eyed at the window behind me.

"Oh god, I've done it again. Made it about him. I'm sorry, I'm not in the right mind today."

"You can ask him again," Cecilia says, something bright lighting up her eyes. I slug back in my chair, sipping my coffee.

"Right, triple texting him, I'm not that desperate I hope." Cecelia shakes her head then points out the window. "No! I mean, he's right outside. He's talking to one of his friends." Oh! I turn around and Alex is standing by a post, having an animated conversation with someone I don't know. I feel heat coming to my cheeks and I try not to smile, but I fail. "I hate feeling this stupid," I say to Cecelia.

"Stop your self-pity Em! He's stupid if he won't respond to you. I say go out there and find your answer right now." The caffeine flows through my veins, and I feel a warmth emerging in my body. I leave Cecelia where she is, surprised at my sudden outburst at the table. I leave the pizza and the coffee behind too, my chair scraping against the floor as I welcome the brisk chill of air in my face once again. I forgot my coat and scarf in the cafeteria, but my mind is addled enough to not fret the cold. Alex is leaning on the post now and his friend has a bag slung over his shoulder, and I can tell they're both about to leave for class. "Hey," I call out, though I'm still some steps away from them. Alex turns his head toward me, stricken with something, panic or fear, but I can't tell from this distance. His friend leaves as snow starts to pour from the sky.

"Emily! I-" He starts, but must've noticed my expression because he staggers a bit, frowning. "You have snowflakes in your hair." He brushes a few of them out of my long locks like it's the most natural thing in the world. I don't feel stupid anymore because I don't have to wait any longer.

"Can I ask you something?"