A Pointless Conversation

Trigger warning: brief mentions of sexual violence, coarse language, brief mentions of mild gore, mentions of homophobia/transphobia

"If you had to give up one part of your face, which part would you give up?"

"What."

"I almost thought I would immediately- with certainty I would say an eyebrow."

"But that- I'd probably give up an eye because then I can like- then I could wear an eye patch and look cool."

"An eye? You would give up an eye?! I could draw an eyebrow on!"

"Yeah, but I don't wanna do that."

"You're giving up one of your eyeballs!"

"Yeah, that's- you have the other one. I mean, people that only have- I could get a glass eye easy."

"This is not a sane decision."

"I mean I'd rather that than have no nose!"

"If a doctor was like, "we can do your top surgery but we can only do one." Would you become a uniboob?"

"No, because it would only be on one side. It won't be like in the middle. And I could just chop the other off at home."

"That would be unsafe."

"Yeah."

"Yeah. Bloody. Very bloody."

"Yeah."

"Guess you're not gonna be a uniboob."

"Good, I don't wanna be!"

"I think an eyebrow is much better."

"It would be really weird if it would- it would be better to get rid of an eyeball instead of an eyebrow. Imagine just having one eyebrow, people will be like "are you asking me a question or something" all the time! Whereas if you just have one eye, people are like "oh my god what happened are you okay" and you get a ton of attention and special treatment."

"I think this says a lot about your personality."

"Also, I prefer the word 'chesticle'."

"Wh- haha!"

"Yeah! Like my testicles are just on my chest. They just grew in wrong. I'm cis, I promise."

"That's the best thing I've ever heard."

"And my genitals- I call them my "male-box.""

"Dude! That's perfect."

"Yeah, cus like mailbox? They're- they go inwards, you know? Like a vagina. But it's also 'male', like me."

"Yes, I got it the first time. Oh my god, that's perfect."

"Right?"

"We should probably migrate downstairs. I don't wanna lie on the floor all evening."

"Aww."

"My body's not made to stay stagnant."

"You're the only person I know that uses fancy words in like- normal conversation."

"Biiiitch, you say 'pardon' instead of 'excuse me' or 'what' or normal stuff! You're such a brit."

"Yeah, I am. It's all mum's fault. I've been having at least two cuppas a day since I was three."

"I know, I make you one after school every day. Wait, did you just say 'cuppa?'"

"Shut up!"

"Pffft!"

"Oh my god, shut upppp."

"You're so posh!"

"Let's go downstairs, I'm hungry."

"Oh, of course, good sir. My lord."

"Yes, peasant."

"Oh goodday, sire. How art thou this lovely morrow?"

"You idiot. Do we have chips?"

"I dunno."

"I think we only have mum's gross salt and vinegar chips."

"I thought you loved salt and vinegar. And shouldn't you be saying 'crisps?'"

"Yeah, but that brand sucks! I want Tostitos. And no, calling fries 'chips' is stupid. They're fries. Ooh, can we get McDonalds?"

"When have I ever said yes?"

"On my birthday three years ago. You let me use the app on your phone."

"Which I regret completely. You got grease everywhere."

"I was nine!"

"Exactly! You should've known better!"

"Give little Cleo a break, she was struggling."

"Wow, I can't believe you just played the trans card."

"I have such a privilege. I can use the queer card, trans card, Jew card..."

"Yeah, well I can use the woman card! You can't anymore! HA!"

"I have more cards than youuuu."

"I'm also short. I have a short card."

"Oh, I'm aware, shorty."

"Hey! It's not my fault you're... how tall are you?"

"5'7."

"No you're not! The doctor said 5'6."

"Why did you ask if you already knew?!"

"Shut up."

"Do we have cucumbers?"

"You're the only kid I know that eats vegetables as a snack."

"I know, I eat a whole bell pepper every day."

"It's truly flabbergasting."

"Is that a word? Like flibbitygibbit. Haha, Benedict Cumberbatch said that."

"Jesus, you're so obsessed with Sherlock."

"Had this microfixation for over a year, not letting it go anytime soon."

"I'm sure. You drew an entire mural above your bed."

"I still think that's some of my best work."

"Yeah, I think so too."

"Also cause the texture of the wall is so difficult! It's rough and impossible to blend- so hard to blend the color pencils, but I did it anyways- and the music notes in the background, you know how hard that was?!"

"I can only imagine."

"The THEME SONG! I did the whole fucki- the ENTIRE THEME SONG in the background! ON VIOLIN! SHERLOCK'S INSTRUMENT!"

"Yes, I know! You've told me a bunch!"

"IT WAS SO HARD TO DO."

"How long did it-"

"ELEVEN HOURS. ELEVEN HOURS AND I HAD TO GO TO THE CHIROPRACTOR AFTER BECAUSE I DID IT STANDING UP AND MESSED UP MY BACK AND IT WAS SO HARD."

"But it was worth it?"

"Very worth it. Very, very worth it. You non-artists simply don't understand. 'Dear god, what's it like in your funny little brains? It must be so boring.'"

"Was that a quote? Do you remember, like, the entire script of the show?"

"Yep."

"Quote something from... season 2, episode 5."

"There aren't five episodes."

"Oh, right. Episode one then."

"Really? My favorite one?"

"Okay, season one episode two. That's your least favorite, right? The one with the... the Chinese drug thing?"

"Ugh, I hate that one. So boring. 'BORED!'"

"Was that the one where he shoots a gun at the wall for no reason?"

"Yes."

"Jesus Christ. So, Chinese drug thingy episode. Quote it!"

"Okay, um... lemme think..."

"Hurryyyyy."

"Oh! I remember a conversation, actually. So Sherlock says- Sherlock says, "I need to get some air. We're going..." um.. right! "We're going out tonight." And then John says, "actually, I've got a date." Then Sherlock says, "a date?" Then John says, "it's where two people who like each other go out and have fun?" And Sherlock says, "that's what I was suggesting.""

"Ohhh, so it was a Johnlock moment."

"Exactly!"

"That's not fair! Do another one."

"Okay, fine... well, it's not a direct quote, but there's this scene where... I think John found some sort of clue, but then a moment later it disappears, and Sherlock grabs him and starts spinning him around and is like- he's like, "you have to remember! Concentrate! Close your eyes! Human memory is only 60% accurate!" Or something like that, and John is like, "wot? Why? Sherlock, calm down!" And Sherlock keeps going on a rant, he keeps talking about it and spinning John around and it's hilarious, then John is like "calm down! I took a photo!" And Sherlock gets all quiet and embarrassed and it's hilarious."

"I think I remember that! Wasn't it in an edit you showed me?"

"Yeah! I think it's in a few."

"That show's amazing."

"We need season five though. And for Johnlock to be canon."

"For sure."

"Anyways, I'm hungry. 'Dinner?'"

"'Starving.'"

"See! You remember some too!"

"That's, like, the most famous though."

"I wish Johnlock were canon.”

"Me too.”

"The only thing, though is that- all the people that ship them? All straight white teenage girls sexualizing adult gay relationships. All the people that draw yaoi, all the people that write gay smut, all the people that gush about gay relationships and how hot they are, all the people that ship these iconic gay couples… they’re straight cis girls. All of them. It just- it pisses me off, you know?”

"Yeah…”

"It’s like… queer people don’t exist to satisfy your fantasies. We don’t exist to be sexualized and jerked off over. We’re human beings. I’m sick of seeing all this bull where we get- and it’s the same with lesbians! The adult gay dudes are sexualized by 16 year old girls, the 16 year old lesbian couples are sexualized by adult dudes. It’s effed up. It’s all effed up.”

"It really is.”

"I mean, it’s fine to ship gay couples! It’s totally cool! It’s more than cool, no matter your gender! It’s just that when they sexualize it, and especially if they don’t actually support real gay people in everyday life, then it’s a problem. And especially cause a lot of it is super effed! Like most of the comics are a hot gay guy ‘turning’ a straight guy by forcing him to have sex. And- it’s just romanticizing and sexualising pedophillia, incest, beastiality- don’t even get me started on that part, I understand people like furries and that's fine it's just when it starts to get weird- it’s just painful. It’s painful when I wanna sit down, relax, and read a nice fanfic about Sherlock and John’s first date, then I read further and it gets sexual, and not even in an accurate way, and I get pissed cause I didn’t wanna read smut and I look at the author’s profile and it’s some teen girl who’s written hundreds of inaccurate gay smut filled with pedo crap. It just sucks, y’know? It just sucks.”

"It does. So many parts of the world are messed up. But there are a few good parts, right? Like the wholesome fics, the authentic fanart, the funny memes…”

"Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. I just wish all the shitty stuff didn't have to exist.”

"Maybe one day it won’t.”

"We both know that’s not true.”

"Yeah."

"Like the whole CEO situation, the internet's reaction... the war going on, the antisemitism everywhere, and Trump- god, Trump was elected and I'm scared. I'm scared, dude. What if he bans transition care for minors? What if he bans it for adults, too? What if I'm stuck in this body forever?"

"It can be really hard. We're lucky enough to live in a blue state, though."

"Yeah. We are. I just.... I just wish it were better. It seems like everything is so progressive and new and woke, but it's not. It's still similar to back then, to when they were burning us at the stake. You know that's where the slur comes from? Because it's another word for cigarette. And gays were burned at the stake, like a cigarette."

"Yeah."

"I guess some parts are better. Like anyone can marry in America, if they want. But in other parts in the world it's worse. Queer people are criminals in 67 countries."

"Kinda badass, though."

"Hah. Yeah. Alright. Alright, let’s go. I’m hungry.”