Why would I want to remember?

Trigger warning: mention of terror attack

I remember when I woke up from this horrible horrible state. I remember feeling the cold temperature in the room. That was the first thing that I remember. I heard those horrible beeping noises beeping over and over again. I also remember the way I was sore I felt like there was a thousand needles puncturing me all at once.

I tried to open my eyes but the light was so bright it was like looking at the sun. I was in agony. I don't know how all of this pain had managed to hit me so suddenly but it hit me hard. I started breathing rapidly over and over again as fast as I could unable to stop. Every breath was painful. I could hear the beeping going up. It was faster and louder then before but not much. That was when I heard a “voice say he is awake.”

My breaths began to slow as I heard her The beeping slowed again. The woman must have sat next to me because she was suddenly very close. She whispered into my ear and said “it is ok you are just fine". I tried to open my eyes but I could not manage so I decided to try and say something. I said “turn lights off”.

I was shocked that is what I sound like, how is it that I did not know what my own voice sounds like. But when she turned the lights off I was finally able to open my eyes. When I opened my eyes I saw that I was inside of a hospital room. That made sense the beeps, the cold air, and the fact that I was so sore added up. The only thing that I did not understand was the fact that when I looked at myself I was covered in burn marks.

The woman looked at me. She said that she would call someone to examine me. I told the nurse not to leave me alone in this room and she had respectfully nodded. Within minutes there was a doctor in the room he came in with a smile trying to cheer me up. He shined a flash light in my eyes. The check up seemed to be going well until he asked me what my name was and I was unable to answer because I did not know anything about myself. I was horrified I kept digging for answers in my brain but I could not remember anything. I tried to remember who my father was blank no answers. Then I tried to remember who my mother was blank I got nothing and then were I worked and no answers just again.

I sat there in that chair and starter yelling "come on come on I must remember something". That was when the nurse said "don't be so hard on yourself".

She had this look on her face she felt bad for me. I looked at the doctor and said "Is this one of those memory things were your memory resets every time you sleep or something". The doctor responded saying it doesn't seem that way but I think we will get a neurosurgeon in this room to check you out.

He called neurology and then I asked him "Who am I?". The doctor looked at me and said "Your name is Charlotte and you are 38 years old".

I looked at him and asked him "I am covered in burns. How did this happen? What happened to me? '' What happened to me?" The doctor did not seam to know how to answer the question. He seemed to be trying to figure out how to tell me what had happened. After sitting there evaluating me he said "3 weeks ago on new years day, there was an incident at the mall, it was blown up and I am so sorry to say this to you but you are the only survivor".

I am the only survivor what does that mean? How would that impact my life and then I thought MY LIFE being the only survivor can't be the biggest thing for me to worry about right now. I mean come on I don't know who I am or who I loved or where I worked. I don't know anything about myself.

I looked about the doctor who had told me the news and he looked very sad and depressed. He looked at me like he was waiting for me to blow up at any moment but I did not and he was shocked for a moment but then he remembered something and looked in recognition. He no longer looked like he expected me to blow up.

Then I thought something he said was new years eve and then he acted as if I should be upset for me because I was the only survivor. Did I have someone important in the building with me when it went down. I asked him "Did I have any loved ones in the mall with me?"

The doctor looked at me in shock. He was horrified by what needed to be said. I didn't need him to answer that question for me because I already knew the answer was bad very bad. I burst into tears immediately. 

Later that day when I was more mentally stable he explained that most of my family had died in the explosion. I originally thought That it would maybe be 1 close family member but it was just about every one. I felt like the world was going to end for a few days but I recovered well. I can easily tell you that I would be much more devastated if I had any idea who these people that had died were. In many ways I am glad that I don't remember who was in my family but I feel guilty displaying those emotions. I am glad I don't remember them because if I did I would remember how wonderful they were and how much I enjoyed having them in my life. The thing is that I don't remember them and that freed me from the burden of truly loosing them.