Clandestine

“Can you keep a secret?” You know from that very start you should not nodded and agreed. You should walk away and never turned again. As a cold hand touched your cheek, you closed your eyes until innocence leave your sense. Then it drawn to your mind it was not the first time anymore, lack but not drought by the taste of it. You flushed shows how trenchant and inexperienced you are, tried to reciprocate the expertise that being showed but failed with no avail. Lips started to wonder to your jaw down to your barestrip soul. The sensation enrich and gave birth to a lustful feelings which only appeared in your wildest dream. 

“Can you keep a secret?” Now it’s your turn to ask that question. Your voice trembled at first but steady as you saw the encouragement in the eyes. “She’s cute, I asked her out.” There’s a glitters in your eyes while your words make it way to me. You looked at me once again before you start your story. How you waited an hour just to ask her name, she’s hesitated just like the feeling of you when you stabbed my back while making me smile. You tell me how tiring to walk home alone. You talk and laugh about your day not minding the thought floating in my head. You said that your day was long and how you worried that Farah, you’re mother will be worried if she knows you overwork. But we know that she wouldnt think of that. Except me, all people around you didn’t care one bit.

“Can you keep a secret?” She asked you that questions as you gave her that big cone ice cream. Walking down the street, left hand at the pocket, sunset smiled at the two lover. You laugh and said “Of course,” not minding the memory flashed in your head as the first time you heard those words. You stop walking, held her cold hand, placed unto your chest to make promises that you never forget. She smiled, then laughed and punched your chest.

“Can we keep this secret?” You asked her that question just like how your eyes begged me for it. You know she should not nodded and agreed by it. As your cold hands touches her hands, telling her to trust you more, even you knew that trust could not be given to a sinful person. Embrace her tightly just like how you wanted to keep your words. Your hands wonder in her back, trying to reach for something unreachable and untouchable. It’s like playing a fire and get burn then regret touching it. Eventually two shadow evenfall. Then duvet covered the two naked young soul. 

“Can you keep a secret?” Perhaps young heart and innocent soul are the weakest. She stand before me, laugh as my voice faded. Talking about you and your first date. She reminds me of how young and pure you are back then. Then I know that you will love her deeper than the wound that you would leave until it turn to the ugly scar on my heart. 

“Can you bury this secret?” You begging on your knees. Head down on the floor. Water drips from your eyes. You rehearsed what and how you are going to do it. To be charge not guilt by leaving a body without heart and soul. You anticipated disapproval but surprise how a freedom just landed on your lap and chains removed from your neck. The secrets that you kept and buried will be resurface in the future. The deprived feelings will be free in the cage. The dead heart and soul from eating a poisonous apple will revive as it tasted a prince lips. You know that I know from that very moment that it’s not me the secret you wanted to kept and buried and I know that you know she is not someone to be kept and buried. 

As I walk down the aisle, time passed by a decade ago. You still lingered somewhere in my heart and you still a young 19 year old who can’t fall asleep without thinking what happened between us. You are not even sure if it just a reverie or a nightmare. That night with a long silent between us. The atmosphere started to warm up. You look at me to see what I want. You. Shake your head. No. Deep inside you can’t do this. But the tension did not incised one bit. But rather go deeper till it touches our soul. You took a big step, rushing to grab my face. Lips thirst for drink and we drinks from each other. As you lay there thinking about her. You chose the surface and not minding whats beneath it. You’re afraid to dig, to fight. You grabbed the flesh and thrown the picture of felicity of the two of us. You go down and buried me in your bed, our blood became as one but eventually separated by the preceding values and morals.

As I reach the altar, I held your hand, shake it for the first time. I look at your eyes, smiled to conceal. This is like coming home, after a long work abroad, after the tribute. This is home like I long gone for a world war. You smile back but your eyes longed for me. Maybe I should not let us to be secret. I should not agreed just be buried. Because now you held her hands and take her away from me, the two of you that I loved the most, standing before me, assuring me that you would take care her. “Dad, I love you. You are my forever first loved.” She hugged me as your eyes begging for me once again. “Can you keep me once again your secret?” And my answer will forever be forgotten and unheard. As you said your vows, kissed her lips just like how I wanted you to kiss mine.