Just climb the tree

"Speak now." The command echoes in the spaces between my thoughts. Blinking, trying to wet my eyes and refocus on the figure in front of me.

"Do you... do you think that the fish knows that the bears the enemy?"

"Christ! We're not doing this again. Always these dumb questions and hypotheticals. Did you even hear a single thing I said?"

"Right, because you're so considerate and comprehensible while you're yelling at me."

I did hear him. I always hear him. I always strive to do exactly what he says but for some reason I always fall short. If only I was as perfect as people used to mock me for being.

Those spaces between my thoughts are getting loud again. This time I see ranges of radiant colors all vibrating in ripples intersecting with each other. Changing from rainbows to specific colors. First, I see yellow and white. They are shining brightly and give me a sense of warmth and surrounding it bleeds into the color of a deep earthy green. They remind me of... well of trees. Yes, trees with the sun cascading between the spaces of leafy branches. The leaves are fresh and new like the beginning of spring and the warmth of the sun feels like a warm bath. I'm floating looking up at the trees.

*shhllaamm* refilling my lungs I look around. He probably just went for a walk and by the slam of that door I can tell he needed it.

Maybe I need to rest for a bit myself. My favorite chair with the fluffy plump purple cushions dancing in the background of the shadows is holding my clean clothes for me, so I guess I can lay on the couch for now. This is his most beloved piece of furniture because it was the first thing we bought together. His face lit up like the brightest star the first time we sat here, holding each other In our arms and enjoying the sound of silence around us as our heartbeats joined together on the most powerful rhythmic scale. Placing the tiny pillows below my neck because they are perfect for relieving neck and shoulder tension and that's part of the reason I leave them here on his favorite couch. It helps to remind us that we are here to be each other's supportive extras.

From here I see the blade of the fan, the bottle of pills on the table which all unfortunately have my name on them, my pile of clothes stacked high on plump cushions and the door that will always stay unlocked. It's embarrassing well more frustrating how I can't tell him everything that I feel and think and see. If only I was a super genius mad scientist who created a device that allowed others to view a person's thoughts and emotions as they arrive. They always come in waves and never with the same force. Waves... waves I feel them. I feel the waves of the water I see the dark and light green of the newborn leaves and I feel the warmth of the light, the sun, its rays on my skin reaching at me through every hair on my goosebumps. I need to wet my eyes but I don't want to look away from the branches. I need to touch them and smell them I need to get up. I hear a splash and my breath gets deeper, my eyes are still dry but I'm closer to the leaves, I can feel it. I'm trying to reach but I'm still too far away, I'm willing my body to move but I'm stuck, and I can no longer feel the waves. Pushing through I keep trying. I'm flopping and inching, I'm squirming and squealing I hear my bodies suction attach and release on the ground below me but I can't seem to move closer.

"Gosh he's right," I think to myself, "I can't ever seem to do anything right no matter how much I put my mind to it. Maybe thats really all I am, a failure. Someone who always tries and always fails."

*Click click* my eyes open to the sound of the doorknob turning. I hear his footsteps and in seconds he's kneeling next to me. His eyes are soft and red and a bit puffy. Adjusting his body he sits with his bottom touching the floor moving one hand to the top of my head running his fingers along my face while clasping his other hand with mines. He doesn't usually apologize but this is kind of his way of saying sorry for yelling or whatever it is that we may quarrel about. He says it's healthy for us and that things like this help us stay closer together. Squeezing his hand I do my best to remove the pain he may be feeling. I may be terrible at everything in this life but one thing I'm good at is taking other people's pain. He transfers it to me and I gladly recieve it as his eyes become full again and his heartbeat steadys.

"We can try to talk about this later. I'm going to go make us something to eat. Also, fold those clothes or else you won't have a place to read tonight" the dark golden brown of his eyes makes my heart melt. He smiles wholesomely, leans over and positions his hands around my body. He hugs me, squeezes me, giggles and then kisses me gently before standing up and walking towards the kitchen. His jacket brought the cold air inside with him and as he stands I feel the breeze from outside. The hairs on my arm all flowing in the same direction from the cool wind. The air feels beautiful yet, as far as the tree appears to be the waves from the water seem to be even farther. I begin to hear them again, the waves. The ripples begin to sound in my mind. "Speak, now, For the love of everything beautiful in this world Speak to him!!!" I hear myself scream inside my head. I'm reaching... right? I know I'm reaching, I'm flopping. The last water droplets on my skin from the crashing waves are beginning to evaporate. The wind passes by my body once more but this time it's sharp, it feels like tiny stings from a thousand bees scraping against my skin.

My mouth begins to open but the only thing heard is a whimper from a quivering lip and a quiet tongue. I can't reach with my flippers I can't reach with my words. I'm the only one who sees the colors and the only one who feels the ripples. How strange to be helpless and to want to do something so bad in my fantasy world and my reality and have absolutelyno power to do either of them. For now my mind will keep drifting. I'll keep looking for a way to escape, but there's no escaping being different and that is another failure I'll have to add onto my list of things that I can't do. A fish who wishes to climb a tree and a person who wishes to be fully seen. Yet, how can anyone hear someone who can't figure out a way to speak.

"Hey" his voice breaking into my thoughts.

"Hey"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay... are you okay?" I ask

"Yeah I'm okay"

"Okay..." he sighs

"Okay..." I retreat.