Becoming a mother was shocking to say the least. During my nine months of pregnancy, I read all the books and took all the classes. I knew about birth and what was to come, but I didn’t really know the complexity of what was about to happen. The enormity of it, the loss of myself. I don’t think any book or class can prepare you for that.
I remember seeing my baby for the first time and being in disbelief that such a thing just came out of me. Not because of his size, he wasn’t very big in comparison to other babies, but because I grew him. I created such a creature within my very body. To be honest, he mostly took over my body. I didn’t have much of a choice in the matter once he had made the decision to stay, to grow, and to be born. I was just along for the ride, having no control over my growing, changing body. I remember that being the first thing that scared me, the loss of control over my own body. We all know we can’t control the world or other people (at least we pretend to understand this while simultaneously still trying to control it all!), but we expect to have control over ourselves. Pregnancy showed me that I don’t even have control over myself.
So there I was with a 7lb 11oz baby boy in my arms. No idea what to do now, I had only learned about pregnancy and birth, completely forgot to prepare for the 18 plus years after! I felt an intense instinct to protect him and feed him, but I can’t say that I loved him…..yet. He seemed like an alien brought to me. He spoke a different language that I needed to quickly learn. He was completely helpless and fragile. I was never good at being gentle and careful. Breaking at least one dish about every other time I washed them and now I’m to keep a tiny, fragile human alive 24/7! Couldn’t the hospital staff see that I was clueless? That I shouldn’t be trusted? Instead, all the nurses and doctors smiled as they did their various tests and checks. Like the terror on my face was just a normal part of the process.
After going home, it was a whirlwind of feedings and changings. My husband and I tried to find time to sleep and care for ourselves, but failed at that miserably. No time to think straight, no time to just be, no time to enjoy life like we used to before his arrival. In less than a day, my life went from a quiet leisure that verged on boredom to hardly a moment to myself. Life went from “what do I want to do today?” to “what does this day demand of me?” and hopefully I get to eat. This whirlwind didn’t slow down for years. Just as it started to slow, guess what? Another positive pregnancy test. Time to do it all over again. Thinking that now I knew what to expect, but quickly realizing being pregnant and taking care of a toddler is very different than just being pregnant.
The process repeated itself with the changings and the feedings, only this time with a second older child mostly getting ignored and placed in front of a tv in all the chaos. Now I just wanna say, before this my first born hardly ever watched tv. It was all nature, books, crafts, and building with wooden toys. Having two kids and no outside support can change family values real quick! So not only was I trying to care for two kids while barely having time to eat and shower, there was also intense guilt that I was failing my older child. Mind you no one actually told me I was failing, it was all self imposed. The people from my natural parenting groups had to see it, to be thinking it though, right? So I hid away, ashamed of who I had become. How could I be in the presence of such wholesome families anymore? Now I was nothing but a fraud. Did we smell different after watching tv? Did our eyes bug out more? No matter, I didn’t want to risk it for the sake of being exposed. So I kept my distance and kept to myself. Just me and my 2 kids against the world, (well and my husband 6-9 pm Mondays through Fridays and weekends respectively). My world became very small and very lonely.
In the quiet moments, which were few and far between, I began to long for the days before my bundles of joy arrived. The days where I could sleep in, go grocery shopping and actually grocery shop, wear trendy clothes without wondering if I could breastfeed in them, meet up with friends, and just plain do whatever the hell I wanted! When calling out to work so I could watch tv and have sex all day was a real possibility. Come on, we all know we’ve done that before!
I just wanted to be me, just me again! I didn’t want to ever think about growth charts, when was the last time someone pooped, and what did that poop look like? Should I call the doctor or start feeding them prunes? Too much dairy? I feel like I’m earning a PhD in nutrition and child development without even getting dressed. Well, I put leggings on, does that count?
Longing for my old life, but having no way to replicate it in the slightest. No friends to go out with, no money to pay a sitter for a date with my husband, no clothes to wear even if I had friends or a sitter. No idea what is even going on in the world that I could do. Why was everything so late at night? Didn’t they know us parents needed to get to bed early or that late night sitters cost more? I had no energy to spend on adventure and a social life anyway. My energy and enthusiasm had been sucked dry. Days, weeks, months bled into one another. Not much difference between them and no end in sight. I searched for a way to find joy in this mundane, repetitive, caretaking life. I found meditation and thought yes I just need to get on board with this. That would solve all my problems, it seemed to be working for everyone else. I tried and tried to sit still to meditate, but I just couldn’t do it. It bored me more than my current life (now I know some of you will want to jump to defend meditation, I get it, it works great for some, but it was not what I needed). I wanted adventure. I wanted something to shock me back to life, not subdue me into calm. So I became a failure again. A meditation drop out. What next you ask? How did I get myself out of this hole? You do accomplish it, right? Well not exactly.
What I have come to realize is, life takes us on unexpected roads with twists and turns. When you come at life with a plan for exactly how you want it to turn out, you are more than likely going to be left disappointed. That was the key. I was disappointed because life didn’t go exactly how I had planned it would go. I needed to find a way to get the adventure I was seeking and be a mother. Thirteen years later, I am still working on letting go of a life that I had dreamed up. A life I felt was possible and almost had until becoming a mother. I have to stop hoping for that life or imagining how my choices failed me and my plan. I have to grieve the loss of that person and that life. Feel the anger and the sadness. Let it move through me, vibrate my bones. See it and say goodbye. I need to let it go. That life isn’t possible anymore, but the one I am currently living is and it is full of unexplored possibilities. Adventures are waiting for me in this life, and who knows, they may end up being better than anything I could’ve dreamed up myself!
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