Sad

The crashing sound of waves against the rocks broke Andy's sleep. From the time his wife Molly expired twenty years ago, this was  routine, he didn't need any alarm to wake up.  


Standing by the window he saw the crystal clear water and the pristine white beach bordered by coconut trees swaying gently. It was, indeed, "paradise". He would miss all this. 


His daughter Carla, would be here soon to take him away to England. He was eighty-six, and things were getting difficult for him to manage on his own, so reluctantly, he agreed to go and live with her. 


His heart sank. He had never gone somewhere outside this island without Molly and didn't want to. This island was his home, he couldn’t imagine living anywhere else. 


Carla lived with her husband in England far away from here. It was a different world for Andy, it lacked the blue skies, the coconut trees, clear waters instead it would have constant grey skies and gloomy clouds.


He had lived all his life in this beautiful tropical island surrounded by a vast expanse of sea and lots of greenery. He had a few friends who were like family but age was catching up with them too. 


Every time during an emergency, Carla had to fly all the way here. An arrangement that was proving to be both time consuming and expensive, finally he agreed to move in with Carla. 


He prepared his favorite breakfast of coconut pancakes with macadamia nuts. Molly used to prepare it for him every Sunday after they returned home from the church service.


Life was so lonely without her. Her silly laughter, her soft voice, her sweet kisses haunted him every day. They were school sweethearts and got married soon after they finished high school, neither of them had any interest in going to college, nor could they afford it.


He found a job as a lifeguard on the beach. Molly worked in a bakery, baking cookies for the tourists.

They were young and carefree, enjoying the essence of life. His grandmother had left him this house, and after discussing it with Molly they had moved into it. 


Every day was like a picnic for the young lovebirds, often they would pack a basket with all the goodies and spend the whole day on the beach swimming, laughing and prancing around.


Carla was born nearly ten years later, after they had given up hope of having a child. Their life changed. Now everything revolved around their golden child. Molly gave up her job and spent all her time with Carla. Andy adored his darling little daughter and started working two shifts so that his family could live comfortably. 


Life was beautiful for Andy and Molly until Carla threw a 'bombshell' at them on her eighteenth birthday. She wanted to move out not only from home but also from the island.


She had applied to a university in England and would be pursuing her graduation from there.


Her parents were heart-broken but gave in after seeing their daughter's excitement. 


Carla promised to visit them every year but it was easier said than done. They would wait anxiously for her phone calls and letters.

Soon she graduated from college, and got a job and met her life partner . Sean worked in the same office. He was a good man who loved his wife to bits. 


Andy and Molly couldn't attend Carla's marriage ceremony due to Molly's deteriorating health condition. The travel would have been too much of strain on her weak heart. However, Carla and Sean came to visit them soon and Molly was happy to see her daughter basking and glowing in love. 


Molly passed away a few years later, leaving Andy to spend the rest of his life alone. She was gasping for breath and had wanted to admire the sea for one last time, so he carried her to the patio and she sat there for a long time in Andy's arms, gazing at the sea, untill her eyes closed. Her warm body turned cold and Andy knew she was no more.


After Molly's death, Carla asked Andy to come and settle down in England but he refused, this was home to Andy, and he couldn’t think of another place he would rather live. 


Carla would come to visit him during her vacations bringing along her kids, beautiful twin girls who loved being on the island amongst the coconut and mango trees. But the visits ceased when the girls grew up. Andy's granddaughters had now flown the nest and were following their own passions. 


He checked his belongings, he had packed most of his things but all the beautiful memories would be left behind. Each and every corner of this house reminded him of Molly and he could smell her sweet scent everywhere. 


He would be locking up the house for the time being and eventually it would be put up for sale. 


The airport was far away and the flights to England were few, so they would have to leave immediately.  


He went around the house for the last time capturing every sight in his mind, he entered his bedroom and his eyes fell on the framed picture of Molly near his bedside. He picked it up and put it in his backpack. 


Thinking of Molly and her warm embrace, he lay on the bed. He missed her terribly and wished she was here. 


His phone rang, it was Carla inquiring if he was ready and packed up, she would be there in an hour. 


He closed his eyes thinking of his new life in England, it was going to be very difficult for him adapting to the cold and wet weather, he would miss the sea, the warm climate, the greenery and most of all this house which had Molly's indelible memories . 


Tears started rolling down his cheeks, and he lay there feeling sorry for himself. A whiff of breeze blew in from the window and caressed his face. He felt a soft hand wiping his tears, he opened his eyes to see Molly in front of him. Astonished, he smiled through his tears.


She laid a finger on his lips and whispered in his ears, "Come with me".

Dazed, he got up and silently followed Molly.


Carla arrived at her her father's house after an hour calling out to her father, but there was no response. She searched the house, Andy was nowhere in sight. She went to the beach to look for him and there she saw Andy's shoes and phone lying on the sand and next to them was Molly's framed picture..


Carla instantly realized what had happened, she looked towards the sea and knelt down on the sand sobbing.....


Posted Mar 02, 2021
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68 likes 57 comments

Philip Clayberg
03:26 Mar 03, 2021

This is much better than the first draft. I really like how you really convey the ups and downs of Andy's life: meeting his wife, marrying his wife, having Carla, having to say good-bye to Carla when she left for England, getting old, and then Molly's death and what happened after it. I especially like that you don't say exactly what happened to Andy after he accompanied his dead wife's ghost to the beach. You leave it open-ended so that the reader can decide for themselves what happened.

Editing comments follow (I have the feeling in some cases we'll just have to agree to disagree):

,clear waters instead it would have [I would say: , and clear waters. Instead, it would have]

who were like his family [I would say either: who were like family [or] who were like a family to him.]

An arrangement that was proving to be both time consuming and expensive, finally he agreed to move in with Carla. [I would hyphenate "time-consuming" -- also, I would change the comma to a period and then say: He finally agreed to move in with Carla.]

Molly would prepare it for him [I would change "would" to "used to" since she isn't alive anymore]

, neither of them had any interest [I would change the comma to a period and say: Neither of them had any interest]

enjoying the essence of life. [a space is missing after the period]

His grandmother had left him this house, which he had inherited and after discussing it with Molly they had moved into it. [It's redundant to say both "had left him" and "he had inherited". If it were my choice, I would delete "which he had inherited".]

, often they would pack a basket [I would change the comma to a period and then say: Often they would pack a basket]

after they had given up hopes [I would change "hopes" to "any hope"]

Their life changed, now everything revolved [I would change the comma to a period and then say: Now everything revolved.] [You could also change the comma to either a semicolon or colon and leave "now" as is.]

and would be pursuing her graduation from there. [If they have graduate school in England, I would say: and would continue with graduate school after that.]

and got a job and met her life partner . [First, you have an extra space before the period. Second, I would say: , got a job, and met her life partner.]

Andy and Molly couldn't attend Carla's marriage [I would change "marriage" to "wedding ceremony". You get married at a wedding ceremony, but the marriage doesn't technically start until *after* that.]

She was gasping for breath and had wanted to admire the sea for one last time, so he carried her to the patio and she sat there for a long time in Andy's arms, gazing at the sea, untill her eyes closed. [First, "untill" should be "until". Second, the sentence seems too long to me. I would break it up into two sentences: She was gasping for breath and wanted to admire the sea one last time. So he carried her to the patio and she sat there for a long time in Andy's arms, gazing at the sea until her eyes closed.]

, this was home to Andy, and he couldn’t think of another place he would rather live. [I would change the first comma to a period and then say: This island was home to Andy. He couldn't think of any other place he would rather live.]

during her vacations bringing along her kids, [I would add a period after "vacations" and then say: She would bring her kids with her:]

, he had packed most of his things [Maybe change the comma to a colon]

He went around the house for the last time capturing every sight in his mind, he entered his bedroom and his eyes fell on the framed picture of Molly near his bedside. [I would say: He went through the house one last time, memorized everything he saw. Then he entered his bedroom and his eyes fell on the framed picture of Molly near his bedside.]

His phone rang, it was Carla inquiring if he was ready and packed up, she would be there in an hour. [Maybe say instead: His phone rang: it was Carla, inquiring if he was ready and packed up. She should be there in an hour.]

, it was going to be very difficult for him adapting to the cold and wet weather, he would miss the sea, the warm climate, the greenery and most of all this house which had Molly's indelible memories . [First, there is a space missing before the period. Second, I would change the first comma to a period and then say: It was going to be very difficult for him to adapt to the cold and wet weather. He would miss the sea, the warm climate, the greenery, and, most of all, this house which was filled with indelible memories of Molly.]

He felt a soft hand wiping his tears, he opened his eyes [I would change the comma to "and"]

Carla reached her father's house after an hour calling out to her father, but there was no response. She searched the house, Andy was nowhere in sight. She went to the beach to look for him and there she saw Andy's shoes and phone lying on the sand and next to them was Molly's framed picture.. [I would say: Carla arrived at her father's house an hour later. She called out to her father, but there was no response. She searched the house. He was nowhere in sight. She went to the beach, thinking he might be there, and saw Andy's shoes and phone lying in the sand, and next to them, Molly's framed picture..]

, she looked towards the sea and knelt down on the sand sobbing..... [I would change the comma to a period and change "she" to "She"]

Reply

Asha Pillay
00:57 Mar 04, 2021

Thanks Philip I really appreciate all the help from you regarding my story. Im glad you liked it.

Reply

Philip Clayberg
01:34 Mar 04, 2021

You're very welcome. Indeed I did.

Had I been 40 years younger (13 instead of 53), it's possible that your story wouldn't have resonated so much with me. I probably would've said something like, "That was interesting, but not exactly relevant to an adolescent reader. Do you have any stories about teenagers?" But, as a middle-aged man, I can say, "Thank you for showing what it's like when a long-term relationship ends because of the death of one of the people. And thank you also for bringing them back together near the end of the story." Carla was sad to learn that both her parents had died, but I'd like to think that she was happy that they were together again.

I've had friends for 30+ years now and I'm grateful that they've stuck with me for so long, despite the literal distances separating us. I've tried to do the same for them. The path we've traveled together has been smooth sometimes, very bumpy other times. But true friends don't abandon one another no matter how rough the journey gets for one of them or for both of them. I'm grateful for every single true friend that I still have at the age of 53 (54 in early July).

Reply

Russel Lad
21:20 Mar 05, 2021

Hi Philip I would like if you could critique my writing too. If that is ok.

Reply

Philip Clayberg
00:00 Mar 06, 2021

That would be okay ... with one caveat: I'll let you know if the story just doesn't interest me. This doesn't mean it's a bad story. It just isn't my kind of story. But if I like it enough (or I like it a lot), I will definitely read it. Is that fair?

Reply

Russel Lad
18:09 Mar 06, 2021

that would be fair, I would like to also know how you would revise my story in your own words, I am still a Novice in this.

Reply

Russel Lad
18:09 Mar 06, 2021

that would be fair, I would like to also know how you would revise my story in your own words, I am still a Novice in this.

Reply

Russel Lad
18:09 Mar 06, 2021

that would be fair, I would like to also know how you would revise my story in your own words, I am still a Novice in this.

Reply

R Narayanan
11:31 Mar 02, 2021

Such a cute narrative.....the ending was very touching. How we get attached to loved ones and the emotions pour out when we lose them....beautifully captured....in simple language...excellent....looking forward to more from you ....

Reply

Asha Pillay
18:48 Mar 02, 2021

Thanks I'm glad you liked my story .Thanks for reading it

Reply

Isabelle Masters
18:05 Mar 12, 2021

Very well done this story touched my heart!

Reply

Asha Pillay
01:01 Mar 13, 2021

Thanks Isabella.

Reply

Kanika G
14:02 Mar 12, 2021

A very sweet and moving story! Well done!

Reply

Asha Pillay
15:18 Mar 12, 2021

Thanks Kanika.

Reply

Kutee Tilbe
19:04 Mar 10, 2021

Oh no! Quite an unexpected turn at the end. I'd have given him a chance to see a bit of a different world, you know. It made me nostalgic for some reason as I read it. I was wondering why I took time or is it the writing? Unhurried even the packing scene.

Reply

Asha Pillay
00:06 Mar 11, 2021

Thanks for your valuable remark Kutee, but as you read you must have realized that Andy was in his seventies, and also sick, at this age very few would like to leave their home, and he was lost without Molly his wife.

Reply

Divya Pawar
14:57 Mar 10, 2021

I liked the way Andy loved Molly. The story inspires you to love someone beyond life which is rare in today’s world. Keep writing such innocent stories😊

Reply

Eddie Thawne
20:30 Mar 09, 2021

This is fantastic. I loved every bit of this story. Beautifully written. Well done!

Reply

Ashley Slaughter
06:34 Mar 09, 2021

Great story! It's interesting that you chose the one line of dialogue to be from Molly, beckoning her husband to join her; it stands out! Very creative!

Reply

Asha Pillay
09:11 Mar 09, 2021

Thanks Ashley,I'm glad you liked the story.

Reply

Manisha Singh
05:44 Mar 06, 2021

I loved this story

Reply

Asha Pillay
19:48 Mar 06, 2021

Thanks Manisha

Reply

Suresh Nayak
01:03 Mar 06, 2021

Thanks - that was a lovely story Asha. Now you should start writing happy stories too.

Reply

Asha Pillay
19:48 Mar 06, 2021

Thanks Suresh ..I will...

Reply

Serenity Foryu
18:40 Mar 05, 2021

Such a sweet and sad story..loved this combination,waiting for some more beautiful stories from you

Reply

Asha Pillay
19:49 Mar 06, 2021

Thanks dear.

Reply

Nadig Rangaswamy
12:12 Mar 05, 2021

Nice Story, after the death of Molly though Andy was physically existing in the island due to the greenary and pollution free nature, but mentally he was with his wife's ghost. On hearing that he should go out of the island to stay with his daughter missing the greenery memories of his wife Molly, which couldn't be digested by him, so his soul left his body to join with his wife in the greenery island itself. Realy a fantastic story.

Dr. N. Rangaswamy

Reply

Asha Pillay
15:11 Mar 05, 2021

Thank you I'm so happy you liked my story

Reply

Dr Sambandam Sky
09:32 Mar 05, 2021

Lovely..touching...

Reply

Asha Pillay
10:52 Mar 05, 2021

Thank you.

Reply

Vadali Srinivas
08:21 Mar 05, 2021

Very nice heart touching story....
just love ❤️😘 the story.....

Reply

Asha Pillay
10:52 Mar 05, 2021

Thanks .

Reply

Anne Ryan
04:49 Mar 04, 2021

Heartwrenching!

Reply

Asha Pillay
10:51 Mar 05, 2021

Thanks dear.

Reply

16:40 Mar 03, 2021

Awesome story! I love it.

Reply

Asha Pillay
10:51 Mar 05, 2021

Thank you. I'm glad you liked it.

Reply

Philip Clayberg
18:13 Mar 02, 2021

This is a great story. Thank you very much for writing it.

The ending did come as a surprise (even if it wasn't a big one). I was actually expecting Carla to find her father standing on the beach. He would say his farewell to both Molly and the island. Then the two of them would turn away from the sea, go to her car, and head for the airport. But with his deep connection to both Molly and the island, even if he *had* left the island with Carla, his heart would always remain on the island until the day he died and was reunited with Molly in heaven. I like your ending better, though.

Editing comments follow (I hope they're not too long):

It was indeed, "paradise", he would miss all this. [Maybe say instead: It was, indeed, "paradise". He would miss all this.]

Carla his daughter, would be here soon to take him away to England. [Maybe say instead: His daughter, Carla, would be here soon and she would take him back to England, where she lived with her husband.] [See also my fifth editing comment.]

His heart sank, he had never gone anywhere outside this island [Maybe say instead: His heart sank. He had never left this island and gone somewhere else]

This island was his home, he couldn’t imagine living anywhere else. [Maybe change the comma to a semicolon?]

Carla lived with her husband in England far away from here. It was a different world for Andy as he had lived all his life in this beautiful tropical island surrounded by a vast expanse of sea and lots of greenery. [I moved the first sentence to earlier in the story (see also my second editing comment), because it fit better there. I also rewrote it more concisely. I hope that's okay.] [Then I might say something like: England was like another world to Andy. It lacked the near-constant blue skies, white clouds, coconut trees, a beach, and clear waters. Instead, it would probably have near-constant gray skies, overcast clouds, no coconut trees, no beach, and the waters would instead be in lakes, rivers, and streams. And probably cold freshwater, at that, instead of warm saltwater like here.]

Carla had to fly all the way here which was proving to be time consuming and expensive, finally he agreed to move in with Carla. [I would add a period after "here" and then say: An arrangement that was proving to be both time-consuming and expensive. Yet another reason why he agreed to move in with Carla and her husband.]

every Sunday after they reached home from the church service. [I would change "reached" to "returned"]

Life was so lonely without her. [Maybe make this a separate paragraph *or* add it before the beginning of the next paragraph.]

, neither of them interested in studying further. [Maybe change the comma to a period and say instead: Neither of them had any interest in going to college. Besides, the additional expense of tuition, books, etc. was more than either of them could afford at the time.]

His grandmother had left him this house, and they had moved into it. [I would make this a separate paragraph. Also, maybe say: He had inherited this house from his grandmother. After discussing it with Molly, they both agreed to move into it. A decision they never had any regrets about.]

when they had given up hopes of having a child, [Maybe change "when" to "after" and the comma to a period]

and their life changed, now everything revolved around their golden child. [I would say instead: Their life together changed. Now everything revolved around taking care of and raising their golden child.]

until Carla threw a Bombshell at them on her eighteenth birthday. [I'm not sure why "Bombshell" starts with an upper-case letter. Also, maybe change "a Bombshell" to "an unexpected bombshell"? Maybe "unexpected bombshell" is being overly redundant and "bombshell" is enough.]

, they had accepted her application. They both were heart-broken but gave in after seeing their daughter's excitement. [I would change the comma to "and". For clarity, I would change "They" to "Her parents".]

They would wait anxiously for her phone calls and letters every other month. [This is a little confusing to me. Carla only called and wrote her parents every other month? I would think the phone calls would be more frequent than that. The letters, however, might be less frequent.]

, and got a job and also a life partner . [I would omit the comma and add a period after "job". Then maybe say: She also met the man she would later marry.]

, a good man who loved his wife to bits. [Maybe change the comma to a period and say: He was a good man who loved his wife to bits.]

They couldn't attend Carla's marriage [Maybe say instead: Andy and Molly couldn't attend Carla's and Sean's wedding]

due to Molly's deteriorating health condition and the travel would have been too much of strain on her weak heart. Carla and Sean came to visit them soon and Molly was happy to see her daughter basking and glowing in love. [I would add a period after "condition" and then say: The travel would have been too much of a strain on her weak heart. However, Carla and Sean visited the island soon after the wedding and her parents were happy to see their daughter basking and glowing in love.] [No mention here of Sean's happiness, but I imagine that he was just as happy as Carla was.]

She was gasping for breath and had wanted to admire the sea for one last time, so he carried her to the patio and she sat there for a long time in Andy's arms, gazing at the sea, till her warm body turned cold. [Maybe say instead: On her last day of life, she was gasping for breath. But she wanted to admire the sea one last time. Andy carried her out to the patio. With his arms around her, she sat there for a long time, gazing at the sea, until her eyes closed and her breathing stopped. He could feel her body grow cold and knew that she'd expired.]

Carla asked Andy to come and settle down in England but he refused, this was home to Andy, and he couldn’t think of another place to live in. [I would say instead: After her mother's death, Carla asked her father to come and live with her and Sean in England. But Andy refused. This island was his home and he couldn't think of anywhere else he would rather live.]

Carla would come to visit him during vacations bringing along her kids, beautiful twin girls who loved being on the island amongst the coconut and mango trees. But the visits ceased when the kids grew up. Andy's granddaughters had now flown the nest and were following their own passions. [Maybe say instead: Carla would come to visit him during her vacations and bring her children with her. Two beautiful twin girls who loved being on the island with all its coconut and mango trees. [Not sure how to say that sentence any better.] But the visits to the island ended when Carla's children grew up. Andy's granddaughters had flown the nest and were now following their own passions.]

, he had packed most of his things but all the beautiful memories would be left behind. [Maybe change the comma to a period? And then say: He had packed most of his things, but all the beautiful memories would have to be left behind.]

, and he could smell her sweet scent everywhere. [Maybe delete the comma?]

They would be locking up the house for the time being and eventually it would be put up for sale. ["They"? As in, Andy and Carla? If not, maybe say instead: He would lock up the house for now. No one would live here until it was eventually put up for sale.]

The airport was far away and the flights to England were few, so they would have to leave immediately. [Maybe say instead: They would have to leave for the airport as soon as possible since it was far away from here. Even then, there were only a few flights per day from this island to England. If they missed one flight, they would just have to wait for the next flight. At least, Andy and his daughter were traveling together; he wouldn't have to wait alone.]

He went around the house for the last time capturing every sight in his mind, he entered his bedroom and his eyes fell on the framed picture of Molly near his bedside. He picked it up and put it in his backpack. [Maybe say instead: Andy went through the house one last time, memorizing every sight of it. He entered his bedroom and his eyes fell on the framed picture of Molly near his bed. Without hesitation, he picked it up and put it in his backpack.]

He missed her terribly and wished she was there. [Maybe change "there" to here"]

His phone rang, it was Carla inquiring if he was ready and packed up, she would be there in an hour's time. [Maybe say instead: His phone rang. It was Carla inquiring if he was packed and ready to be picked up. She would be there in an hour.]

He closed his eyes thinking of his life in England, it was going to be very difficult for him to survive in the cold and wet weather, he would miss the sea, the warm climate, the greenery and most of all this house which had Molly's indelible memories . [Maybe say instead: He closed his eyes, thinking of his new life in England. It was going to be very difficult at first, adapting to the cold and wet weather. he would miss the sea, the warm climate, the greenery, and, most of all, this house with all of his indelible memories of Molly in it.]

, he opened his eyes to see Molly in front of him, he smiled through his tears, astonished. [Maybe change the comma to a period, and then say: He opened his eyes to see Molly in front of him. Astonished, he smiled through his tears.]

She laid a finger on his lips and whispered in his ears, "Come with me". Dazed, he got up and silently followed Molly. [I would make the first sentence one paragraph, and then make the second sentence another paragraph.]

Carla reached the house after an hour calling out to her father, but without any response. She searched the house, Andy was nowhere in sight. She went to the beach to look for him and there she saw Andy's shoes and phone lying on the sand and next to them was Molly's framed picture.. [Maybe say instead: Carla reached her father's house an hour later. She called out to her father, but there was no response. She searched the house. There was no sign of him. She went to the beach to look for him. That's when she saw her father's shoes and phone lying on the sand, and next to them was her mother's framed picture.]

Carla realized what had happened, she looked towards the sea kneeling down on the sand sobbing..... [Maybe say instead: Carla instantly realized what had happened. She looked toward the sea and knelt down on the sand sobbing....]

Reply

Asha Pillay
20:04 Mar 02, 2021

Thank you so much Philip for editing my story.
I really appreciate your efforts . I have edited it. Thanks once again

Reply

Philip Clayberg
20:21 Mar 02, 2021

You're very welcome. Glad I could help. Could I read the edited version (if it's on this website)?

Reply

Asha Pillay
02:29 Mar 03, 2021

Yes its there.

Reply

Philip Clayberg
02:51 Mar 03, 2021

Cool. I'm going to read it while I eat some cream-of-chicken soup for a late dinner.

Reply

01:08 Mar 27, 2021

Very nice. Loving someone beyond life is really great

Reply

17:07 Mar 09, 2021

Hey Asha,

This is a very poignant story, and I really enjoyed the bittersweet ending. You manage to build up a whole lifetime of memories in very few words, and really encapsulate Andy's reluctance to leave his entire life behind (understandably so!) His decision to remain on his own terms is tragic but also beautiful, and it was very well written.

On editing notes (this is just my personal opinion, take it or leave it as you like) I wonder if you sometimes choose more complex words than you need to. The most obvious example of this is in your second sentence. "From the time his wife Molly expired twenty years ago"-- why "expired" rather than just "died"? In my opinion, it breaks the flow of the sentence a little, which can be a little jarring for the reader.

Otherwise, a very good job, well done :)

Reply

Asha Pillay
19:53 Mar 09, 2021

Thanks Lizzy for your valuable observations. I will take care of it in future .Im glad you liked the story.

Reply

Asha Pillay
19:53 Mar 09, 2021

Thanks Lizzy for your valuable observations. I will take care of it in future .Im glad you liked the story.

Reply

V S
18:21 Mar 02, 2021

Beautiful Story.... Nicely narrated.
Very well Written. 👍👍😍

Reply

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