The Kids Aren't Alright

The clock on the wall ticked rhythmically to the tune of the tap dripping in the sink, the only sound in the silence that permeated the kitchen. Cleo sat at one end of the table, Rick the other. The awkwardness in the air could have been cut with a knife as the clock continued to mark the muzzled seconds, numbing their brains as they sat in silence. Neither of them knew how long they had been sitting there before Rick eventually cleared his throat to speak. 

“Do you want coffee?” He made to get out of his chair to make it just for something to do, but Cleo shook her head. 

“No. Thank you.” She continued to pick at the kitchen table with her chipped black nails. 

Rick sank back into his chair and tapped his foot to the beat of the clock as the icy silence between them pursued. 

“Mind if I put the radio on?” Rick had done so before Cleo could argue. The music filled the kitchen, feeling alien and awkward after so long in silence. They both listened for a moment before the persistent beat rocking the silence became too much and Rick switched it off again, the silence resuming. The awkwardness in the air was becoming painful. 

“Cleo, I…” Rick started but Cleo cut across him, her mind finally made up, unable to hold back any longer. 

“Do you know how hard it is?” She asked, her eyes suddenly the same shade of a flame as her hair as she finally looked at him. “Do you know how hard it is to find the words, Rick? Do you know how many times I’ve practiced this scene over and over in my brain until my ears feel like their bleeding just to let out the pressure?” 

“I never asked you…” Rick began feebly but Cleo shook her head. 

“No. You never did. And that’s what makes it so much worse. You never asked me for a single damn thing and so all of this is on me, don’t you see that? This is all my fault and I’m never going to live that down, never going to…” She paused, welcoming the established silence as she looked away from Rick to let out a small sob. She closed her eyes, straining to find the words again, and turned back to him. “Where did it go wrong?”

Rick blinked at her, his mind heavy as he knew exactly what she meant. “You mean when did I realise?” He asked feebly. 

Cleo shook her head. “No. When did I?” She spoke slow, meaning every word, as he simply looked back at her. “We grew up together, Rick. We were inseparable. We had everything… we took on the world, you and me. We were the kids who were going to have it all and we were going to do it together.” Cleo managed a small smile of memory before sighing. “Now there’s just… this.” She gestured between them with her long fingers, meaning the silence and awkwardness without having to say it. “You don’t deserve this.” 

“Of course I do.” Rick’s voice was thick with emotion as he pushed his glasses further up his nose. They were talking finally but they were not the words either of them wanted to hear. 

Cleo frowned at him. “How do you deserve this? How? Tell me that.” Her voice wasn’t scolding, it was full of concern. “Is your self-esteem so low that you don’t realise that none of this is your fault? Christ, Rick. None of this is your fault. Do you hear me? Please remember that, accept that, take that.” She offered her hands out as though handing him his self-esteem. He simply looked back at her as she then gestured to herself. “This is all on me. I can’t give you what you want, all you’ve ever wanted, and because of that…” Her hands hit the tabletop again as though she simply gave up, her hazel eyes softening. “... it means we have nothing.” She looked at him with something that resembled pity. 

Rick blinked back tears and shook his head. The last thing he had ever wanted was pity. “We can’t choose who we love.” He looked away from her, out of the window to the mild Chicago breeze. 

Cleo sighed. “We should. Then maybe I could have returned the love you’ve given me all these years.” She scoffed to herself and Rick looked back at her. “All those times you’ve gone out of your way for me and I was too selfish to see it. All of those times you picked me up when I was down, dusted me off, and made sure I was okay whilst taking on everything yourself.” Her voice was growing in anger at herself. 

“Cleo.” Rick said softly as he took in her tragically beautiful expression, “That’s what friends do.”

Cleo met his eye as she shook her head .”Not like that. Not like this. Not like you.”

“I would have done it all over again…” He shifted closer to her slightly in his chair, appealing to her to make her see. “...for you.”

Cleo clenched her fists in anger as she sighed heavily through her nose. “I know you would. Don’t you see? That’s the problem. The rapture could literally be going on around us and you’d still take my place so that I could ascend and you’d be sucked into Hell. That’s what you do.” Her voice was higher than normal as she felt all of the emotions she had been keeping down bubble to the surface. “For all the relationships you’ve had in the last twenty-five years I’ve had five times that because you’ve always put me first, and I can’t do you the courtesy of returning that favour.” Angry tears pricked her eyes.

“I don’t ask you to,” Rick said softly. Seeing her so emotional was breaking his heart and he felt his glasses begin to steam from the warm tears pricking his eyes. 

Cleo growled and thumped the tabletop. She couldn’t understand how he was being so calm when she was berating him. “Well, you should! You should shout and scream and kick and cry and shake me and tell me I ruined your life! You should tell me that I chose a man who would continuously hurt me. You should tell me that I chose a man who would always be bad for me. You should tell me that my daughter should call you daddy and not Brent. You should tell me I should have chosen you.” Her voice dropped on the last comment and she sat back in her chair as the weight of her words hit her, her eyes sliding from his face to the floor as her anger abated. 

She swallowed hard, avoiding his eye contact. “Do you know how hard it is? All these years you’ve loved me and I was too selfish to see it. I was too big-headed to see that everything you ever did for me was out of love.” She screwed up her eyes as a tear rolled thick and fast down her cheek, staining tracks in her make-up. 

Rick watched her and felt tears sting his own eyes. There was a long pause before he spoke, his voice soft and appealing. “You’re my best friend, Cleo, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Everything I’ve done? I’d do it all again.” 

Cleo’s head snapped to him, her eyes open and shining. “We both know this is more than that. I ceased being your best friend when you fell in love with me, but by then it was already too late. And that’s on me, I know it is. You already surrendered, the battle was already fought and lost and I had no idea I was even fighting in it. Do you know how that makes me feel?” 

Rick could not believe how much she was finding in this to argue with. He had thought, when he told her, it would be a compliment. All it had done was tear them apart. “Would you rather I told you sooner?” He asked, strained. 

“Yes!” She cried, then shook her head. “No!” She growled and ran her hands through her red hair exasperatedly. “I don’t know. I don’t know if things would have been different. I don’t know if I would have…” She met his eye but her throat strangled the words before she could say them. 

“Loved me?” Rick finished for her, his voice heavy with defeat as her meaning was clear. 

There was a long pause as they looked at each other. Her anger ebbed again and she sniffed back her tears. 

“I do love you. Of course I do. I always have and I always will,” She shook her head, “...but it’s not the kind of love that you want. I can’t give you that, I’m sorry.” She bit her lip and looked away. “I wish you had never told me. We could have continued being best friends then, not this. Not dead ends with nowhere to go but down.” She wiped the tear from her cheek and looked at it on her fingertips, symbolic as it was of it all. She clenched her fist, squashing it. 

Rick spoke softly from the end of the table. “I had to take the chance, the shot. I had to…”

“No.” She spat at him, “You didn’t. Because now it’s all ruined. Everything. Everything we ever had. We can fake it, force smiles, we can pretend we’re okay when we’re not. It’s not the same and it never will be. Twenty-five years and now I’m a stranger to you. I broke your heart into a million pieces and there’s no coming back from that.” Her sad eyes fell on his eyes as fresh tears fell from them. 

Rick shook his head. “No. This isn’t on you, Cleo. It never was.”

“Of course it was! It is!” Anger flared in her again though she knew not where it was coming from, Deep down she knew this wasn’t his fault. “You had no right to tell me. All this ‘speak your heart’ bullshit. I’m engaged, Rick, I have a daughter and she’s not yours. You missed your boat. This ship sailed and you were nowhere near it. You were too passive, you missed your shot.” 

Rick looked away from her, the hurt on his face loud and clear. 

Cleo caught herself, horrified, and shook her head desperately, knowing she had gone too far. She fell over her words as she tried to make it right. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean that. I don’t want to... I don’t know what to say. Just… thinking of all the times we shared. They’re all tainted now, Rick, they’re tainted with thoughts of ‘did he only do that so I’d love him’, ‘would he have done that if he didn’t love me’? Can’t you see that?”

Rick took a deep breath and looked back at her. “Of course I would.”

“Why did you tell me? What did you think was going to happen? You would tell me and everything would be okay? I’d love you back and leave my fiance and we’d run off into the sunset together? What do you want me to say?” Cleo’s voice was thick with tears as she felt they were going around in circles with this conversation. She hated it. She hated seeing him hurt, she hated how this was making her react. 

To her surprise, Rick’s voice grew angrier as he stared at her. It felt good like he was finally giving as good as he had been getting. Cleo sat back and took it as he raised his voice to her. “What do you want me to say? I’m yours. Now and always. You can choose other men over me, better men, and I will always be yours. I’m sorry but that’s just how it’s going to be. You said I’m too passive? This is me being aggressive. This is me telling you enough is enough. It’s our time, Cleo, let’s take it.” Cleo frowned at him as he looked at her intently, on his feet, and clutching the tabletop as he stared her down. She opened her mouth to argue back but he sighed and sank back into his chair before she could. “Is that what you want me to say?”

He looked away from her again. Cleo stared at the tabletop as she continued to pick at it with her fingernails. 

“So is this it? You and me, finished?” She said eventually in a tiny voice. 

Rick shook his head at her. “No. Of course not. I have always and always will be there for you, Cleo. I’ll be there at the end of infinity whether you want me or not. You are still my best friend. We’ll get past this. I’ll move on. Now everything is out I have no choice, I know where I stand. I just… it was killing me not knowing. I’m not the first guy to fall in love with his best friend, there’s been a million of those before me and there’ll be a million after.” He swallowed hard. “Especially with you.” 

Cleo blinked at him and took the small smile he offered her. Her mouth twitched in a minute return as she sighed. “You really are the last of a dying breed, Rick.” She made sure he was looking at her in the eye before continuing. “And, Rick. For the record… no man is better than you. I’m just so sorry I realised that too late.”

Rick simply looked at her. There it was, all out in the open. The mistake had been made and there was no going back now. Things would never be the same.