Easter in a pandemic

April 2020. Dear diary,

This month i celebrated two of my grandkids birthdays. I can’t celebrate. I can’t see them. We can’t blow out candles. We can’t give birthday hugs or kisses. We can’t go on a drive or get an ice cream or have dinner out. We can’t hold hands or give silly slaps , or laugh together. why? Because we are in the middle of a pandemic !!! We are under quarantine. A virus has hit the country. The Covid 19 or Corona virus. It has spread and people are dying. Two close friends have been diagnosed. It is real. Yet, they still need our support. We pick up their mail, get them their groceries and do their errands while they self isolate. We worry if we are next. Who is next ? Do I have it? Am I infecting others now? How can I help ? Who can I help? Is it okay to volunteer ? Can I work the food pantry? Should I get tested? Can I go out ? Should I go out? Stores, restaurants and churches are ALL closed. I am frightened to hike with friends , to take walks in the woods with old classmates. I don’t shop without a sanitized wipe and sterile mask. The beaches and parks and playgrounds are off limits. We are alI afraid to go near each other. As far as my grandkids go, I can’t visit them. I can’t have them over . I can’t see them without masks, gloves and social distancing. No contact within six feet of each other. I have resorted to messaging on Facebook and playing silly games that involve throwing up rainbows and wearing car faces. These are unusual times . Very difficult times. Times I have Never seen before. It stinks . I’m so lost ! I need people . I need them!!! I need the touch of my kids , the snuggles of my grand babies. It is isolating beyond bearable . Touch is Essential! I‘m slipping into a place I hate. I’ve almost lost touch with reality . I have no job, no place to go, no purpose. I need to apply for unemployment for the first time in my life. It’s unmanageable. I am forced to celebrate differently. To visit on line. To deny my touch to others and restrain from adorable grandkid hugs!!!! this is unacceptable to me. To all grandparents everywhere!!! How are we supposed to thrive without physical contact? i see them on a screen or out my car window . My tears are unstoppable. i can’t believe the level of despair I have encountered. I am a woman of faith. i can’t imagine how I would survive without faith, hope and His love. I didn’t realize how much I needed to be needed. How much I depended on my families emotional and physical support. I am wasting Away. I thrive on their love . I have no running hugs to look forward too. No screams of “ Grammies Here” to fill up my bucket of joy . I am a people person . But beyond that, i AM a Grandmother!!!!! My first granddaughter turned 15 . She is the reason I’m called Grammy. My first child’s first kid. My baby’s baby! She is awesome and independent and bi. She is my heart , my life, my love. I never had a relationship with my own grandparents. There were too many siblings in my family . I have 4 sisters and 2 brothers and numerous cousins. I never felt special. Therefore, I wanted to take her on an adventure! To confirm her specialness . I make it a point to make memories over material gifts. A memory is Way better than a present. We were ready to grab the bus to the Big Apple! We are friends on Instagram, she gets me!! I support her lifestyle choices. She is strong , brave, and cool. We connect. We were hoping to go to a broadway play in NYC!!!, NO !!! that’s not happening !! I had to resort to sending her a card, a balloon and a gift card. Boooo!!! She deserves a memory . We were supposed to bond , to share a moment! Also, My grandson became a teenager . He is the oldest brother in a family of five. He plays the piano , loves classical music. There was a plan! I wanted to show him how beautiful music can be! I was hoping for a Boston symphony trip ! Now, there is No travel, No trips ! No special Grammy birthday memory! No subway ride, no BSO! He is talented and unique. He fills me with pride!! He is shy and kind and smart! My heart aches for the memories Not made!!!! Instead , I have to mail a card, drive by and beep and give him an Amazon gift card. LAME !! He loves to hear Live music. He needs a break. A time to feel so important to his grandparents. He is our joy. It’s also Easter!!!! I have 5 more grandkids . I want to hold them . To show them how special they are to me! It’s so hard. I can’t take them out. I can’t visit them!! I miss them ! We usually have a big dinner , an egg hunt , the works! We are in crisis ! I am in crisis . I’m hurting . I’m lost. I’m sad. I Need them more than I thought !!!

I can’t hide eggs , I can’t buy organic jelly beans or vegan chocolate. I can’t give them Easter baskets . There will be no ham or fancy dinner or pretty plates or new clothes .

I'm going insane . I love them so much .

I sit here watching Netflix and my mind wanders to them . My precious seven Grandkids !! Should I dress up? Buy a tofurkey, Cadbury eggs, peeps?

I’m their grandmother . I try to make things fun , to make holidays extra special!

I’m lost! I want to drive by. I want To make baskets . I don’t want to freak out their parents. How do I reach them? How do I show them? Zoom is not enough. FaceTime doesn’t cut it. Instagram is a sham. I need hugs . They need jelly beans and chocolate bunnies. I need kisses. So do They!!!

help

Grammy