Resolutions Revolution

Resolution Revolution 

           I’ve never done this before, but it is probably about time. I have made my New Year’s resolutions today after some pretty deep thought that followed shortly after I received some no-nonsense advice from my siblings. Maybe it will be a good thing that I have them ready for when I am at the New Year’s Eve party. I have had some bad experiences in the past with what I have done at such parties. It would be good if resolutions made me a little easier to get along with.

.

Resolution 1 – I Will Not Honk My Horn at Other Drivers

           While I know that I don’t suffer from ‘road rage’, or anything like that, I feel that when someone cuts in front of me without signaling, you know, like someone driving a BMW (Do those cars even have signals?) that it’s time for my car to speak, actually yell, maybe scream.

It was pointed out to me, that it is not enough that it is technically illegal to do so, but that such an action on my part could cause the honkee to do something foolish – like confront me at the nearest gas station, or follow me home. So not honking at idiot drivers is now a resolution.  However, I can still think evil thoughts and imagine them ending up in a ditch.

A Contrary Experience

           What an idiot that guy is! He is trying to pass me from the outside lane, and of course he isn’t signalling, and he isn’t even driving a Beemer. I give two quick honks of my horn. Then I see him shake his head, like I had deeply disturbed him. Good! He sharply swings to the left, completely returning to his own lane. When we get to the intersection a short distance away, the light is red so we both stop. He rolls down the window on my side. I ready myself for an outburst of anger – venom with a red face. I am ready with my standard replies of “Oh yeah”, and “Take off eh.”

           “Thank you sir. I was falling asleep. I worked until very late last night. If you hadn’t honked your horn when you did, we would have had an accident. Thank you, sir.”

           “Oh yeah? You’re welcome. Any time my good man.”

Resolution 2 – I Will Cut Down on the Chocolate that I Eat?

           I really need to cut down on the amount of chocolate that I eat. I am a diabetic, and my glucose level is constantly too high. I may even have to entirely eliminate chocolate, my favourite food, from my diet. I’m thinking about this as the news comes on the car radio. I hear that there is a “great scientific discovery” that has recently been made. Apparently a researcher at Harvard University, who just happens to be funded by Hershey, has invented a form of chocolate that actually lowers a person’s glucose level. It’s a New Year’s miracle! There goes that resolution. I’ll have to pick up a few such chocolate bars as soon as they hit the market.   This will be the year of the chocolate bar for me. Next year is going to be yummy and chocolate guilt free.

Resolution 3 – I Will Take My Shoes Off When I Enter Someone Else’s House

            I have received some dirty looks over the years for not taking my shoes off upon entering someone’s house.  I blame my parents. They never made mention of that when I was growing up, so it was never programmed into my behaviour. As I enter the party house, I remember my third resolution. I lean back on a wall to take my shoes off, even though I had wiped the snow off on the outside mat.  I was raised to do that at least.  As I take one shoe off, I lose my balance and fall flat on my butt. It hurt – butt and dignity both! Then came another injury to the latter. A young woman walked by, got a whiff of my exposed socks, and emitted a subtlety-deprived ‘eeewww’. Perhaps next year I will make a resolution to change my socks more than once a week. In my defence, I am often in a hurry to get to work in the morning, as I often sleep in. In the meantime, I guess that I will probably continue to follow the wise words of Billy Joel, “Don’t go changing….”

Resolution 4 – I Will Not Automatically Fall in Love with the Next Woman Who Smiles at Me.

           Hopefully this will cut down on the number of times I ‘strike out’ with a woman I meet for the first time. I am too impulsive with women, and perhaps not very good at detecting the early signs of rejection.

           Then it happens. A feminine smile crosses the room like a cool breeze on a hot day.. The perpetrator of said smile walks over to me, and says, “Like you, I don’t usually take my shoes or boots off when I enter someone else’s house, especially when I have wiped my shoes free of snow.” I look down at her feet and see she is wearing her snow boots – no socks in sight.

           She continues “And I don’t often change my socks either. What do you like to drink? I imagine that we have the same tastes in alcohol.”

           There goes that resolution I am completely charmed, and all it will cost me is to have my four resolutions down the toilet.

Resolution 5 – Never again

           I wake up. What a strange dream that was. Sleeping in the afternoon tends to produce weird ones for me. Still it helped me make a decision. I am not going to make any New Year’s resolutions this year, maybe ever.  I really shouldn’t have listened to my older sisters last night when they lectured to me about resolutions. They are always so critical and so bossy to their younger brother. And one of them drives a BMW!  I can still at least occasionally do the most socially appropriate thing, but not turn it into a binding contract. Now I have to get dressed, put on some clean socks, and drive silently to tonight’s party. Who knows what will happen there? But first, I think I will send an e-mail message to Hershey’s concerning their need to fund some important research.