Our Final Words

I don’t think I grieved for my dad the right way. Everyone says there’s no right way to grieve but I feel as though this looming shadow is following me around, not of sadness, but of shame. I feel shame for how I feel less, for how I was never as sad, for how I was able to move on. So when I look outside my door that morning and see a package from my doctor, I feel more dread than excitement, just anticipating it to find out something wrong with me. 

My doctor gave me some pieces of technology to help with the grieving process. How metal with no emotions was going to figure and flesh out the idea of death and how it should be handled is beyond me. But, with how advanced the world feels, maybe this is beyond me and beyond my thoughts entirely. I bring the box inside, minding the ‘Fragile’ label. The box was like one that would hold an office chair, large and heavy, and I just hoped I didn’t have to put it together. 

I grabbed the scissors from the counter, they were red, my dad’s favorite color. I tended to put red things in my house now to almost pay tribute like his spirit would see that I placed his color in my house and approve. I assumed his spirit would still understand color, or even care. Or that there’s a spirit, maybe he was reincarnated already. 

There was a thump from the box. 

Suddenly, once the tape was cut the lids opened, and metal started rising from the cardboard. It was like it was folded, but knew its surroundings now, and on its legs stood up. It was shaped like a person, around my height, except it was entirely grey. But, the detail was horrifying as it resembled my dad exactly, to the wrinkles around his eyes and naturally down-turned lips as he analyzed the world around him. 

“Shit.” 

Its eyes were grey, unblinking, unmoving as they stared at me and I assumed it was booting up. 

“Please select what program you want,” it spoke… he spoke, the voice thankfully not matching. 

I only realized I was teary when I stepped forward to look at the screen appearing on his chest, with words and bubbles to choose from. My doctor had said to talk with the technology, and now I see he meant quite literally. That was the option I chose and my hand shook as it reached forward to select it. 

It was almost worse to see him again, at least I had known he was gone and I wouldn’t be met with this opportunity, now there was all this pressure on our last conversation. Now I had to say everything I’ve been wanting to for the past year. 

“Hi, Winnie,” he said, a small smile appeared on his face. I hated how human he looked despite the color being sucked out of him, like an old movie. 

“Please, sit down,” I say, gesturing to the chairs around us. The robot takes his legs and walks over to the couch to his left, I take the chair to the right. 

“How does this work?” I ask, unsure how to even approach a final conversation. 

“We can talk about anything.” 

He sounded almost warmer than the past version, the past flesh self. I missed that past version more than this bundle of wires, a manufactured person to help me solve my emotions? It was like a bandaid over a gaping hole, and I continued to feel empty. 

“Can you start?” I ask him.

“How do you feel about death?” 

I had no idea how to respond to a robot I wasn’t sure understood the concept. My doctor had stressed me on being honest in my sessions, to really pour out my soul, I guess this was where I could do that with no repercussions.  

“Terrified of it, really,” I responded. 

“But, it’s inevitable.” 

“The idea of ceasing is terrifying, we are born and from that moment we are always doing something, death is and will be nothing, and I don’t know how one could be at peace with it. I can’t do anything then so I have to do everything now, I have to get everything done and it almost feels like I don’t have enough time.” 

“Winnie, I think you need to realize that when it is your time to go, that really is your time. It’s not taking you too early or too late, it’s not getting in the way of anything, you were meant to go and you will. You know how small the chance of being human is, having this body and soul? You get to experience emotions and such deep thoughts and make real, resounding relationships with those around you. Every action you do is something only you can do, only you can do because of where you were and where you are now, remember that you get to enjoy your meals and sit in the sun. You’re you, you’re human and you get to create things that impact the world, no animal will have as much impact as an individual person could.”

“How do we cope with death with others. Maybe I’m okay if I die, knowing that there’s nothing I could do, but what about if I could prevent someone else’s death. If I had called 911 earlier then you would still be here, if the doctors had more time then you could’ve started treatment. There was a whole lifetime ahead of you and you left, how do we know that wasn’t too early.” 

“Look how much you’ve grown and changed since then, I left because it was my time and you were ready to help yourself and others through the challenges that would come after. I didn’t try to sabotage anything, it was so difficult to go and I wanted to stay, I didn’t want to cause this pain and suffering but it happened. We all learned how to adapt to it and push through the pain, I believe you let yours sink slightly, you let the waters capsize your boat and let it sink down to where no one would realize it’s still there. I just urge you to throw out a lifeboat and swim to your shore, to understand you had no cause in what happened and that you should almost enjoy every moment you have.” 

“I love you so much.” 

“He loved you so much, Winnie, I don’t feel like I can express it for him.”