THE BIGGEST BEAST IS THE FEAST

THE BIGGEST BEAST IS THE FEAST

Feasts is the best way to get to know your new neighbours. Actually, scratch that.

Feasts were the best way to get to know your new neighbours.

Making a first impression when meeting somebody new is vital. Which is obviously why it needs to be a good first impression. The way you act upon the first meeting, is the way you will forever be remembered the new person. In my case… The incident that I caused is going to be remembered by the whole neighbourhood until the day of my death. How convenient.

“Hello everyone. Er... My name Is Lexi and this is my husband, Elijah. These are my children: Tristan and Isabella,” My first mistake. Dragging my poor family into the yet to strike disaster. “I want to thank you all for coming to my house this afternoon. I’m going to make us all dinner and in the meantime you guys can talk to each other and get to know everyone better,” Some smiles by the ladies, some grunts by the men. “Could somebody please volunteer to help me out in the kitchen?” I looked around a bit desperate when I saw a hand shoot up. A little voice followed. “I don’t mind helping you!” She looked left to her husband for support and gave him a weak smile. “It’s ok John, I’ll help her and come right back… Don’t be rude.” The man named John sighed in frustration and annoyance.

“Liv we barely even know these people, for all you know they could be serial killers moving into a new town to change their identity.”

“JOHN, For heaven’s sake.” The pale woman shook her head and stood up. She made her way over to me and nodded. She extended her long hands and introduced herself “Hello Lexi, my name is Olivia but you can call me Liv and welcome to the neighbourhood.” I smiled back and shook her hand. Together we made our way in the kitchen, leaving behind the echoes of laughter and chatter.

Olivia seemed quite calm and she asked me “So what’s the plan?” I blanked out for a second unable to even remember my own name when I caught a glimpse of my ingredients. “Oh um. I’m planning to make a variety of meats and some pasta for those who would like it. Besides it a light salad with nachos. For desert… A chocolate lava cupcake explosion!” It seemed to take Olivia a second or two to process my words before she squeaked “Sound like a plan. Let’s get started!”

“Ok so, I’ve prepared the liver, kidney and meat which means you could start boiling the pasta.” Olivia nodded and started the hob. I put on an apron and tied my hair up into a messy bun. This was going to be quiet the journey!

After about 20 minutes I realized that we made some progress. The basics were done but there were still some extra things to do. I finished making the salad and the pasta. The toast was in the toaster and Olivia was just taking a break. The atmosphere seemed a little awkward when I had a brilliant idea. “MUSIC!” I said mischievously.

Me and Olivia huddled over my phone to pick out some songs. At the end we decided JXDN was the best because he gave us great vibes. “WHAT NOW???” Olivia screamed over the rock music. We both looked crazy. Our hair stuck out from all the pins and hair bubbles. My glasses hung at the end of my nose. Our clothes were caked in grime and food stains. Worst of all the kitchen was a disaster. Broken spaghetti sticks littered the floor. Bits of leaves and other greens were scattered across the kitchen. The sink was piled high with dirty pots and pans. Wooden spoons and other cutlery were hanging on the discolored countertop. The backsplash was dripping with water from the humidity. Skewers were laying around everywhere clearly misplaced. Disaster was too good a word to describe the state of my beloved kitchen. “LET’S MAKE THE PASTA SAUCE LIV. GET THE TOMATOES AND I’LL CUT EM, THEN WE’LL BLEND EM!”

“ALRIGHT.” That was the last word I heard from Liv before the accidental catastrophe. Olivia passed me the tomatoes and I cut them up with my sharp bladed knife. The knife by now was smeared by tomato sauce covering it in a rich red ooze. I strutted over to the blender and plopped my tomatoes inside. I put the remaining tomatoes on a pot on the hob. Using a wooden spoon, I started stirring the tomatoes in the pot until it was nice and thick. I was about to start clearing out the blood on the meats when I remembered the blender. “HEY LIV. TURN ON THE BLENDER PLEASE. I NEED TO MAKE THE REST OF THE SAUCE.” Olivia nodded and wiped her tomato-stained hands on her shirt making it even more red. “OH BY THE WAY LIV, DON’T FORGET TO PUT THE LI-” and so the end had begun.

Shrieks and wails from Liv were heard from the dining room where our husbands yelled “Hey ladies, keep it down please will you. We know you’re having fun in there but its just a tad too loud.” You might be wondering exactly what happened. Simple. Olivia forgot to put the lid on the blender. 

Beams of dark red shot out of the blender. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.” Olivia stumbled back, blinded by the goo. After that, it was a series of unfortunate events. Olivia didn’t look behind her when she tried to escape the tomato massacre. And she slipped on a puddle of lemon juice. Olivia shot up in the air and landed flat on her back. CRACKKK. The sad thing was that I heard that crack and I panicked. Olivia’s eyes shut and she lay on the ground motionless. The blender was still ejecting more goo. Blender or Olivia. Blender or Olivia. I blanked out again. Inhale exhale, Inhale exhale. Olivia. I left the blender and dashed across the kitchen Island to inspect the damage. Except on the way I accidently knocked the tomatoes sauce pot by the handle, sending it up in the air for a 360-degree flip. The thick sauce was drenched on my face and Olivia bodies’ now. Olivia seemed to have fainted or something because there was still no movement from her. The plates of liver and meat blood were laying beside her so I tried picking them up hastily to put them away.

“FREEZE!” It was John. Olivia’s husband.

“Oh thank god, John, It was the blender it just went of and-”

“SAVE IT FOR THE JUDJE.”

“Um, excuse me what do you mean by-”

“OH MY GOD. WHAT IS THAT IN YOUR HAND?” I looked down to what I was holding confused, when I realized things from John’s perspective. The sauce looked like blood. I had liver in my hands which looked like I pulled out Olivia’s vital organs. Worst of all, I myself looked like a psychopath. “I told you Olivia. Murders in disguise.” John muttered. He took out his phone and dialled the police and came forward to trap me. I tried to explain it was all a misunderstanding but he wouldn’t hear any of it. Ten minutes later the police arrived and stood at the doorway pointing their guns at my head.

By now I was panicking. “WHAT IN THE NAME OF 7 SEAS IS THIS?” yelled a police officer. He had a Russian accent and introduced himself to John, claiming his name was Sascha and that he was the head of emergency situations. “Oh, thank god. Mr. Sascha there seems to be a missunderstan-”

“NOT ANOTHER WORD. SOMEBODY TURN OFF THAT BLASTED MUSIC.” Sascha came forward and held my hands behind my back. I felt a something metallic and then click. Handcuffed. My eyes opened wider than they already were. “Mrs. Lexi Elijah Griffin, arrested for the murder of Mrs. Olivia John Freeman. Covering up her tracks. Music to cover up the shrieking and wailing. Very clever.”

“EVERYONE JUST STOP,” I bellowed “I DIDN’T MURDER ANYONE. SHES STILL ALIVE. AND THAT ISNT BLOOD. IT’S TOMATOE SAUCE. TASTE IT IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME!” The police officer had a shocked look on his face at the end of that last sentence. He bent down to Olivia’s level and stuck out his finger wiping a bit of red of her body. He took a deep breath and held it to his lips. He hesitated. Slowly he put his finger in his mouth and recoiled at the taste. “Oh, this is blood alright. Lying will only make it worse.” Now I was even more confused. “SHOW ME YOU FINGER.” I wailed. Sascha came over and held his finger to my face. Quickly I took the opportunity to inspect it and I realized it was the blood from the meat I was about to cook. “No sir that’s the blood -”

“So, she admits it was blood.” The officer dragged me out of the kitchen and tuned out my explanation. He took me out through the living room were there were several raised eyebrows. He nodded at Elijah. “Sir, your wife has committed murder and she will have to do her time of 3 months in prison. We will hold the trial tomorrow,” Elijah was dumbfounded. “The body of Oliva is found in the kitchen." Elijah looked at me then stood up lightning fast and ran to the kitchen. That was the last time I saw his face as Sascha led me out the front door and into his tiny car. I stopped worrying though because I realized: If you push some one that’s bullying, if you kill someone that’s murder, if there is no evidence it’s nothing.

Soon enough they’ll realize Oliva is alive. The blood was tomato sauce. The rest of the blood was from the meat I was cooking. The meat was store bought. Lastly, she slipped because the floor was dirty.

So, I hope you learned from my wonderful experience how important first impressions are and how vital it is never to make that first impression an accidental death.

Despite everything that happened one thing remained clear. Me, Elijah and the kids were moving to a new city as far away from possible from here. And this time there won’t be a get-together feast.

 Hajar Zaidan