Raylyre - pronounced - Ray-Ly-Re
Onyxixs - pronounced - Onyx-sis
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The city was alive with the hustle and bustle of thousands of people and cars, going about their daily business. The shadow of the tree danced across the grass, the wind blowing softly, carrying the sound of the park. Chains rattled as wings stretched, the pristine white feathers glittering in the light drifting through the leaves.
"It's far too bright out here for my liking," a deep voice grumbled, crouching back further into the tree trunk for shade. "I want to go back home."
"Pipe down, Onyxixs," angel muttered, spinning his halo around his finger. "Just enjoy the moment."
"Listen up, featherbrain," Onyxix growled, fangs reviled with a angry snarl. "You may have come from a bright and cheerful world, but where I came from was dark and, contrary to popular belief, rather quiet. So I hope your "Dear Lord" can forgive my annoyance of such matters I deem my own personal opinion."
"Raylyre. Onyxixs. Stop fighting will you?" The human man muttered, the arm covering his eyes moved down so he could glare at the beings. "I have a headache enough as it is, and I don't need the two of you arguing to top it off."
Raphael huffed, but complied. His long blonde hair was left loose to blow in the wind and caress his tanned skin, his red eyes staring off into space. The halo that hovered over his head glowing and faintly crackling with power. The large white wings that grew from his back fluttered in annoyance, the chains that were locked around their bases clinking against each other. His white dress slacks were paired with a tight black button up, silk ribbons laced up the bottom of the back his shirt allowing for easy changing.
Onyxixs was less then cooperative. Shiny black hair styled with an undercut, cold gold eyes bled black blood down his pale cheeks. The two sets to sharp black horns were decorated with silver jewellery, some of which were studded with ruby's. His giant black feathered bat-like wings were equipped with deadly talons at the wrist, chain cuffs locked so tightly they crushed a few feather. Simple ripped black jeans and iron studded boots covered his lower half, a white muscle shirt was covered in a loose leather jacket with a hole ripped in the back to allow him to take if off over his wings.
"Adam," Onyxixs growled, running his hand through his hair. "We have been bound to your immortal ass for over 5 thousand years! Unless your headache is from trying to find a way to set us free, I don't want to hear about it."
"Be nice, Onyxixs." Raylyre sighed. "As much as what you say is true, I would advise you to use your words in a kinder manner."
"Suck my horns, Raylyre," the demon spat, flicking his clawed middle finger at the angel. "I just say things in a way you are too afraid to."
"Girls, girls." Adam said, his blind eye looking to hold a galaxy within. "You're both pretty. Now stop comparing bra sizes and let me rest."
"Watch it, pretty boy." Onyxixs said, baring his fangs. "You may be immortal, but you still feel pain like everyone else."
"And you are both my guardians," Adam said, a small smirk playing on his lips. "Meaning you are not aloud to hurt me."
"This is why guardian angels and demons are no longer assigned to humanity." Raylyre muttered softly. "Not only do they no long believe in us truly anymore, but they either pass on to young or live forever."
Sighing, Adam sat up and crossed his arms over his knees. His curly brown hair was tucked into a cap, the dark green t-shirt had small blades of grass stuck to itself from Adam's attempted nap.
"How many times do I have to apologise?" Adam asked. "I never meant to become immortal. I never meant to keep you away from your homes. And I never meant to bind you to me for eternity."
Looking at each other, the two guardians shared a silent conversation.
'Dear Satan, he is so pitiful.'
'Be nice, Onyxixs. He's truely sorry about what has happened.'
'Does he need to act so mopey though? It's really getting on my nerves.'
'He's trying his best. Just think about how you would feel in he place.'
'Thank your god that demons are nearly incapable of feeling human emotions then.'
'You are seriously missing out.'
'You angels suffer the same condition as us, don't act so high and mighty!'
'We're getting off topic! We need to help our friend.'
'Can we even call him a friend? He's more life a sulky kid.'
'He's our friend, Onyxixs. We've been stuck together for centuries now, that's the least we can call him.'
'Fine! But you're doing the talking.'
'Deal.'
"Adam, listen." Raylyre said, sitting down next to the man. "We understand all that and you have apologised more then enough. We're all stuck under this curse, so you should not be the only one to try and find a way to break it."
"Thank you, Raylyre." Adam said, the corner of his lips twitching into a smile. "But I still feel guilty."
"Kid. You're our friend." Onyxixs said gruffly. "It's the least we can do to make us all happy."
"We're friends?"
"Obviously," the demon snorted, a cigarette in his mouth.
"We have to be after all this time," the angel said, placing an arm around Adam's shoulders; the chains connecting his wings to the immortal human clattering. "We just need to see it as a part of a bigger plan."
Looking up into the sky, the angel had a sad smile on his face; as he thought about his home in the silver city. The demon blew out a smoke ring, his boot absentmindedly scuffing into the ground as if trying to dig himself home. Adam clenched his fist tightly, determination filling him; as he dreamed of setting all of them free.
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8 comments
This is good. I was getting wrapped up in their world, wondering who this Adam was and how he got these two stuck with him. I think Onyxsis gave in too easily. It should have taken more to get to the end of this story, which was great. You should have made Raylyre have to work much harder. Maybe give something up as a compromise.
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I'm so glad you liked my story, and I'm happy to hear that you were getting wrapped up in their world. I agree that Onyxsis gave in too easily; I really wanted to make the story longer and have a very different ending. But at the time of writing this piece, the submissions were about to close, so I had to work with what I had. The original plot line I had would have been longer and more of a battle of wills type of things, seeing who would back down first. I really wish I had the time so I could have changed it to make the ending better.
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Very interesting story, Flora. I liked how you described each of the characters and their personalities. I noticed a few errors and places of confusion. In the 5th paragraph, you wrote " Raylyre. Onyxixs. Stop fighting will you?" and then "Raphael huffed, but complied. " When is Raphael introduced? In paragraph 7, the description of Onyxixs says "The two sets to sharp black horns ". I think you meant "sets of". Also, its rubies, not "ruby's." (That's the possessive) I wish the story was longer. It didn't really have an ending, ...
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Thank you, Ruth. :) People don't usually point out my mistakes, and then I end up finding them much later and the feel really embarrassed that I missed something that was so obvious. So thank you for pointing out my mistakes. Raylyre originally had a different name, but I didn't like it so I changed it. I thought I had changed all the names, but it looks like I didn't. And yeah. In paragraph 7, I meant to say "sets of". And I have never been able to rap my head around descriptive and possessive words; so thank you for pointing that out, I...
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Flora, I am glad you appreciated the suggestions. Sometimes I hesitate to point them out for fear of offending the author. I've made the same mistakes with making a change to a name and then missing one of them so I understand fully! The last story I wrote I gave a minor character the name Paul, then called him Todd four paragraphs later. I noticed it after I submitted it, but caught it before they closed submissions on the contest. If you read anything I write and notice anything off, please let me know! I appreciate feedback!
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Ruth, I more then appreciate constructive feedback and suggestions! It's all a part of learning to become a better writer. So if you read any more of my works, feel free to point out all my mistakes or what you think I could do better. I have actually read some of your works, and they're really good! You are a very talented writer! And I will point out anything off if I see something, but with how good you are, there will probably be very few inconsistencies or mistakes.
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Thank you! That is a very sweet thing for you to say. You have made my day! Sometimes I doubt my writing ability. I was hoping this site would help me improve. If anything, it helps motivate me to practice every day, and they say practice makes perfect.
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Well, when a compliment is more then deserved, it should be given without question. But I am happy to have made your day! :) You really shouldn't doubt your ability! The way you write is full of confidence, and is so creative and pulls you in to the story. Your stories are interesting and are written amazingly! This site also helps motivates me, and it gives me more confidence that I can write well and people actually enjoy what I write. And I agree! Practicing everyday helps make me feel like I am getting somewhere and getting better.
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