Death Is All I've Known

I always thought that I would grow up with my dad walking me down the aisle on my wedding day or my mom braiding my daughter's hair. All of that vanished on September 11, 2001. I remember that day vividly.

My mom and dad were late for work that day, but my mom still made me pancakes for breakfast. You could smell the bacon from the second floor. I kept asking my mom to stay home for the day, but she kept telling me she had an important meeting that day. She promised to come home for lunch and that we could get Chipotle. School was canceled for a teacher workday, so I was home alone all day. I was reading with the news in the background, that was when I saw it. The plane hitting the first tower, the fire, the people jumping out. The second tower getting hit, the first tower collapsing. The death the death the death.

Now here I stand on the edge of the new World Trade Center, wondering if I should let myself fall fall fall until there is nothing but the ground. I have imagined this exact scene many times each time I have made it up here though I got off the edge and left. But there is no one to go home to. I live alone. I have no extended family. I am just a small blip of existence. Nobody would care if I died nobody would even realize I was gone. I would just be another crazy who couldn't take it any longer. Who submitted to the sadness.

Both of my parents burned to death in this same spot. They had to feel their flesh melting off of their face, listen to the cries of their coworkers. I cannot deal with the pain anymore. 

Just as I start to take my first step, I feel two arms pull me off the ledge. “LET ME GO!” I yell as loudly as I can. I’m kicking and scratching at the arms of my captor. Once, I have calmed down the person turns me around with their hands on my shoulders the whole time. I realize it is a man. A very attractive man nonetheless.

“What were you doing up there?” he asked me compassion and concern clouding his eyes.

“I think it’s pretty obvious don’t you think? I was trying to end it all,” a slightly manic laugh escaping my lips as I say this.

“Ma’am I don’t know you, but I do know that that is not the solution to your problems. I know from experience,” at the last sentence he looks down.

“How do you know that this isn’t the solution to my problem. You have no idea what I have gone through,” tears are starting to burn my eyes.

“Will you please come with me? I can take you somewhere where you can talk to someone about this, ok?” he held out his hand for me to take. After a few seconds of hesitation, I took his hand. He led me to the elevator, which took us down to the first floor. We went out the front doors and started walking towards the street. He stopped at the crosswalk, waiting for the walking light to turn on. Once it was on we walked across the street. 

We kept walking for 15 minutes before coming to a stop in front of a Chipotle. I started to tear up thinking of my mom’s promise. We walked in and got our food, so we could sit down at one of the tables. We ate in silence for a few minutes before I got up the courage to ask him a question.

“Why were you up there?” I asked. This made him look up at me, studying my face before answering.

“When I was 11, my brother jumped off the top of the World Trade Center. I go up there every day just to make sure nobody else makes the same mistake,” he stated.

“What’s your name?” I questioned. I didn’t even know this man, yet he stopped me from taking my own life and he has bought me food, I deserve to at least know his name.

“My name is Apollo. My mom really liked to study greek gods. What is yours?” he asked with clear curiosity in his eyes.

“Luna Davis. My mom just liked the name,” I uttered. Every mention of my parents made me sad. Ugh, what is wrong with me.

Once, we were done with our food we started walking again. This time we ended up at a mental health hospital. I almost ran away right there, but he grabbed my hand and gave it a tender squeeze. I wonder how many people he has done this for.

When we went inside he was greeted by the lady at the front desk as Dr. Garcia. It all made sense now. He was a psychologist. We walked back to what I assumed was his office.

“So how would you like to know what life is really about?” he exclaimed

* * *

As I stood in front of the window of my condo, my hand on my protruding belly, I thought to myself how lucky I am. I have a loving husband, a child on the way, and a beautiful home. 

“Honey are you ready?” Apollo asked from the kitchen. He walked out cuffing the sleeves on his suit. He looked up studying me very intently. Then he walked up behind me and wrapped his arms around my belly.

“You are so beautiful,” he said into my hair. We stood there for a long while, before finally remembering we had to go to his parent’s house for dinner. 

We moved to Maine soon after our engagement, so we could be closer to his parents. They treated me like I was their flesh and blood. His sister loved me. She was so excited to have a little niece. I was excited for her to be an aunt. 

It was only an hour to their house, so we made it there in no time. We sat in the car for a little bit just relishing in the silence. We looked at each other for a while before he finally said something.

“Are you ready?” he asked

“Always.”