It is not Easy

I have always struggle. My life is a series of challenges that never ends. Every time I pick myself up, something will be there to put me back down. This does not bother me. I have long accepted this as a part of my life. Yet, the people around me, those who says they cares about me, those who says that they want the best for me, those who encouraged me to go for the stars, cannot seem to accept this my views on this. They never let me give up, even on a lost cause. They always told me that I can be anything that I want to be, as long as I try. They always say that it is “Easy” for me.

How can they not see? I have tried, I have given my best, I had goals, I had dreams. I have had everything that they think I don’t have. I just had enough of failure, enough of heartbreak, enough of pain in my life to pick myself back up again.

I know they mean well. I know, or at least I hope, they only want to help me. But I don’t want help, not anymore at least. I am beyond the help that they could give. They have their own lives. I’m not so conceited that I could demand their time and attention purely for me. That’s not who I am. I can never ask anyone to sacrifice their time for me, let alone those who I care about. It is not my place to do so.

But sometimes in my darkest moments, my resentments grew. They have gone through what I did and it’s not easy for them. They fell down the same hole I did, they face the same challenge I face. It was never easy for them at that time. So how could they tell me that what I am going through right now is easy?

I was there for them. I never tell them it was easy, I acknowledged how hard it was for them. I strengthened them against it, I helped them push through. I never shielded them from the truth; never appease them from the hardship that may come. I stay by their side through everything. I sacrifice for them, I fought for them, and I support them. I thought I wanted nothing in return. I thought I was being a good person, a good friend, a good lover, a good son. Giving my help and sacrificing my time, wanting nothing back. Oh how life has proven me wrong.

I want their help, like I have helped them before. I want them to sacrifice for me, like I have sacrificed for them before. I want them to be there for me, like I was for them. I want all of this, yet I can never ask them for this.

I am either noble or just plain stupid; my own view on life won’t allow me to ask for help from anyone. The help that I gave was not asked by anyone, I just gave them. Is it fair for me to ask help on someone just because I helped them before? I am stuck in this dilemma. I am desperate for help, but to ashamed to ask for one.

I have come to accept this part of my life. I am prepared to move forward by my own. I won’t ask for help from anyone. I won’t blame anyone that doesn’t help me and I would gladly received help for anyone that wants to give it. This is how I live my life and I am contempt with it.

But this contempt is not easy. This way of live is not easy and my acceptance of it is not easy. This is how my life has turned around; this is what was set for me. I am willing to go through with it however difficult it is. But they cannot seem to accept it. They said it would be easy for me to be better than I am today. They said it would be easy for me to go through what they have gone through. They said it would be easy.

This I can’t understand. They have gone through this. They couldn’t face these challenges alone. They needed me to cross their finish line. Yet when I go through it and when I face those challenges. Rather than offering their help, they said it would be easy for me.

I don’t know when this start. The first time I heard it, I might not pay too much attention to it. But again and again, from every person that I came to, hoping for help, that word always came and slowly stabbing at my heart.  That word hurts more than a dagger to the back. I would rather them to just flat out refuse to offer help rather than said it would be easy for me.

They should’ve known better. It’s not like this was easy for them, they also struggle for the same thing that I struggle. Yet they can innocently say that it would be “easy” for me. Who am I to them? I’m not perfect, I’ve never claimed to be perfect, and I’ve never shown that I was perfect. I have flaw, I have weakness. I have things that I could do and things that I couldn’t do. I am just like them and any other people on this Earth.

I never blame anyone for not helping me, but don’t make it like I don’t need any help. I am desperate for help; if I could I would beg on my knee for help. But I can’t do that; I can’t lower myself to that level. Not because of some silly pride, no, I’ve long lost that. It’s because I can’t stand to inconvenient someone else with my problem.  The least that I expected from those who are close to me is to not undermine my problem. If you can’t or don’t want to help then don’t put me down by saying it was easy when you know that it’s not.

But I’ve heard it too many times now, and frankly, it hasn’t been easy for me.