Before planning for a holiday, earn it...

“I will wait for you by the beach when I meet your standards. Life will probably be chaos by then, and I will need peace and quiet. Be there if you still want to.”

Looking at the yellow-orange sunset, I remembered the words I had told in my mind years back, looking into his eyes.

A thousand emotions had flickered through his eyes too. But the irrationality of the moment had not let me understand them then. Over the years, I had wondered what those emotions were, which had wanted to pour out, but he had held them back.

The beach was relatively empty today. Who spent Christmas alone on a beach and not be with family? Probably people still looking for that special someone did. Probably people exhausted by the mad race of proving themselves did.

Memories crowded up in my mind today. The tranquility of the beach and the absence of the chaos of my busy life had suddenly let them free. That winter ten years back, the exhausting tour across the country, the dance troupe, the pains, the frustrations – all came flooding in and got jumbled up.

Starting a career in dancing as a backup dancer did not feel that bleak in the beginning. I looked at life through a kaleidoscope of dreams then, like most other nineteen-year-olds, and followed my passion with the frivolity of youth. So when my kaleidoscope broke, I was caught unguarded and had to take all the broken pieces straight into the eyes. The colors vanished for a grayscale.

When I had joined Rwugan Prince’s dance troupe, Kiara was on leave due to a leg injury. There was nobody to crush my high spirits. I was flying high, making friends with the teammates, watching Rwugan, being all moon-eyed. The high and mighty prince, the distant star of concerts and television, enthralled me with his courteous nature and polite words. Just the sheer fact that somebody so famous could be so grounded got me all enchanted. Kiara returned, broke the charm, and made sure my spirit and my kaleidoscope shattered too.

“If everybody thinks they are talented, even God can’t save us.” Kiara’s words still stung me all over. “Rwugan, are you seriously letting her advice on your dance moves?”

Just two months into being a backup dancer, I was doing quite nicely, earning applause from teammates and approving nods from Rwugan Prince. My bubble of happiness and expectation had blown up a bit too big. So, when Kiara burst it with her acrid words, I got seared all over. What hurt more was Rwugan did not oppose for all his politeness and approving nods. He let Kiara batter me.

That night I howled, burying my face in my pillow, not letting my teammates know. Broken pride had the sharpest of edges. The next morning, I had put on extra layers of kohl to hide my puffy eyes and wounded heart. Kiara got me wrong and pulled me into the locker room to say, “If you think make-up can get you closer to Rwu, you are in for a disappointment. It is a trick your predecessors had tried too. You are all so cheap. Watch your steps, or I’ll ruin you.”

I got so dumbfounded that tears rolled down. I hated myself for being so weak and giving Kiara the satisfaction she wanted. Coming out of the locker room, I caught Rwugan’s eyes. I was sure my eyes were red. I removed my gaze immediately, and Rwugan did not utter a single word either. I always wondered how he was so cold? Since that day, I let my emotional side die.

After months of rehearsal came the carnival we were prepping for, the much-awaited dance tour encompassing the whole country. Kiara became busier with the publicity and press meets. Most of the time, she rehearsed separately, and we could finally breathe.

“The witch is busy at last. I wish the tour never ends,” Sheena said. I smiled. Kiara had made things bitter enough for anything more. I already felt suffocated. The dance felt mechanical. The passion that once made me feel like I could win the world felt like drudgery. It pained me to lose myself.

After the tour’s first performance, I felt even worse. I walked out on the open terrace for some fresh air when everyone enjoyed the after-party. People were celebrating Rwugan Prince. Kiara was there right beside him, beaming, with her hand intertwined with his. As I watched them move around in glory, I watched my teammates too. They were having a good time drinking free liquor and enjoying good food, but they were nameless faces. People occasionally nodded at them, but nobody conversed with them for that matter or asked for their autographs.

I started wondering what I was doing there. Why was I tolerating this utter disregard every day? I knew how much effort my teammates and I put in each day to perfect our steps. How much we toiled to merge away seamlessly with the background to provide the perfect backdrop for Rwugan and Kiara to shine bright. I felt that I was not doing enough for my passion when I owed it a lifetime of dedication.

It was a full moon night out there. The twinkling stars looked pretty, but I noticed how I still stared at the moon, ignoring the stars. How could I blame people for ignoring us? I decided, if Rwugan Prince was the Sun in the sky of performing arts, I could at least try to be the moon. If not for fame, then at least for self-respect, I should do it. I wanted to run away somewhere quiet to get things sorted in my head.

My phone dinged.

“Check this out.”

I frowned, seeing Rwugan’s name. In the past several months since Kiara made it a point to berate me on every occasion or no occasions at all, I had distanced myself from Rwugan. I never talked to him other than when it was absolutely required. Rwugan avoided all direct interactions too. So, this message came as a surprise, if not shock.

I reread the text several times before clicking on the link attached. Rwugan had sent me an ad for an audition. A smaller production house was looking for a new face for the lead in the dance rendition of “The ugly duckling.” It seemed even more insane than his message.

I immediately turned towards the party to look for Rwugan. He was there meeting people with his poker face. He never turned back.

Over the next three months, we traveled to eight different cities, won hearts, and got the country rocking at our rhythm. The situation improved for us backup dancers too. After every performance, Rwugan made sure to introduce all twenty of us by name. People started noticing us slowly, and when someone did, Kiara smiled her stiff, plastic smile, and Rwugan nodded approvingly.

“Another mention, and that’s a hattrick for us! And Rwugan smiled this time, Ny,” Sheena chirped at the backstage after a successful performance, receiving a glare from Kiara. “Cheer up now!” Sheena whispered.

I was always a bit dazed these days. I was still undecided whether to go for the audition. It was coinciding with our last event, but thankfully the venue was in the same city. The final concert was the crowning glory of our whole tour. My teammates were hoping for doors to open up after it. And Rwugan had promised a vacation for everyone if the concert broke all records. When everybody was so excited, I felt exhausted with the chaos of rehearsal, slander, performance, after-party, slander, and repeat. I just craved some peace and quiet to get my head straight. I needed a break. I had always wondered later whether it was Kiara’s behavior or my frustrations that exasperated me more.

The night before the final event, I could not sleep. Kiara made us stage-rehearse till one in the night. My mind was half in practice and a half at the upcoming audition. I kept an eye on Rwugan to understand what he wanted me to do, but he avoided my gaze every time. I felt lost.

After everybody retired, I sneaked back to the studio. I turned on a single light and played The Rain on my phone. If I was going for the audition finally, I had decided to perform the piece that had brought me this awakening. The dance that had caused my kaleidoscope to break and hurled me to the ground to show for real where I stood. It was a random yet complicated dance piece that Rwugan was teaching us back then to break the monotony. After I had opined about a certain dance step, Kiara had shown me my place in front of everyone. For her, backup dancers were not qualified to speak.

It would be my retribution against her. And maybe a silent acknowledgment to Rwugan for his help this one time.

As I swayed with the music, keeping my eyes closed and losing myself in the rhythm, I started thinking of all the instances when Rwugan could have stood by me, but he did not. I thought how hopelessly I still had fallen for him, despite all the anger and hurt. Even the thought of going for the audition and granting Kiara a chance to kick me out pained me. But I reasoned that the feeling anyway was my own. Even if I went away from here, I could always love him from afar, if it came to that. And it would only be good for me if I left. My affection for him was not sufficient enough to fight the suffocation I felt. Probably, it was adding to my disquietude.

The thought jolted me back to reality, and I stopped abruptly in the middle of a dance step. But somebody held my hand and made me complete the move.

Opening my eyes, I found Rwugan. Dressed in a simple sweatshirt and with bed-tousled hair, he looked the exact boy next door. Gone were his formal politeness, his practiced half-smiles. He appeared very real.

I immediately moved away. “What are you doing here? When did you come? Kiara will,” I sputtered out.

“It’s been a while,” he said matter-of-factly.

“Been a while?”

“I have insomnia. It gets troublesome before big events.”

I realized I did not know this side of him at all. It was a surprise to find a performer per excellence getting jitters like us.

“What? I’m human too,” he said. “It looks like you are finally planning to go for the audition.”

“I, I’m still thinking.”

“There’s no need to think. Go. I’ll manage it.”

“Why would you?” I frowned, remembering his silence at every point.

“Well, I think I was the one who sent you the link. So, I’ve some responsibilities. Additionally, I think it’s important to let you hold your head high. We need adjustments in life, but we should not compromise with self-respect. Some people can tolerate it, but you are not one of them. I have seen how you go stiff at Kiara’s jabs. You have a rebellious streak, a spark. I knew you wouldn’t last here long. So why not accelerate the process?”

I was dumbfounded. When did Rwugan observe all these? He was always aloof, unperturbed by anything happening to the members of his team. It did not make sense, but I felt an ache.

“Shall we practice?” he asked.

“About holding the head high, why do you never speak against Kiara?

Instead of getting angry, Rwugan smiled. “I believe in boundaries. People know Rwugan Prince now, but once I was just a part of her troupe. Even though people have forgotten, it’s still her troupe. It’s up to her how she wants to manage it. Probably this is lame, but it is what it is.”

“Aren’t you breaching boundaries now?”

“I am. I told you I saw a spark. I could not let it die.”

I was silent again.

“Let’s do it.”

I nodded, and we practiced for the next hour. The postures and movements came effortlessly to me. I felt liberated.

“Wait here.” Rwugan suddenly left the studio and returned with a crepe bandage.

“Sit. Kiara will arrive soon. Just put on an act.”

“How do you know she will?”

“She will. Sit down now.”

As Rwugan wrapped the bandage around my right ankle, Kiara arrived and immediately erupted. She impaled me with her most brutal words. I got that it had more to do with Rwugan putting a bandage around my ankle than me recklessly injuring myself. Rwugan stayed silent, pressing his lips together. I felt the rebellious streak in him this time. He never spoke up against Kiara out of gratitude, as he claimed. Maybe something else was also there. But I realized he never probably approved of this. How little I knew about the person standing right beside me, yet I never refrained from judging!

Later that day, when everybody got ready for the biggest event of the year, I sneaked away.

“Stop worrying.”

I smiled at Rwugan’s message. After having a glimpse of his private side, he suddenly felt close. The text did not feel out of place at all.

The audition went well, and I got an invitation to the next round on the spot. Finally, I felt relieved that something was happening. The tightness in my chest loosened, and I could breathe again. The audition gave me courage and confidence. And it was all because of Rwugan.

I wanted to run to Rwugan and tell him. I knew he would be happy.

I fake-limped to the after-party and managed to find a rare window to thank Rwugan.

Slightly tipsy, Rwugan smiled, “So, what now? More practice?”

“I’m leaving for the vacation. I need a few quiet days before the fight starts again,” I said merrily.

To my confusion, Rwuran frowned. “Vacation?”

“Yes. You promised us, remember?” I reminded him.

“Before planning for a holiday, earn it. A round at an audition and you thought you could go slack? You disappoint me.” He turned away.

I had never seen him this rude before. Neither did he ever reprimand me. I flushed, and my ears went buzzing. A mix of hurt and anger boiled up, and my rebellious streak flared. I blurted out, “Give me five years, and you and your Kiara will yearn that I went for a vacation… to make the competition go slack.”

He turned back. “Take ten. When I think you deserve a holiday, I will meet you at a holiday destination of your choice.” He smiled coldly.

“Fine. Let’s fix a venue then.”

“You want to decide already? What’s your local beach today may become the Bahamas later. What’s the hurry? I’m not going anywhere. Just inbox me.”

“No, it will always be Goa, the holiday you spoiled. Goa and Christmas.”

“Done! And good to know that you’re renouncing it this time.”

We looked at each other’s eyes one final time, then went our separate ways.

I still felt mortified about my shameless behavior after such a tiny success, especially towards the person who showed me the path. I regretted not being able to see Rwugan every day. But I never regretted my decision to give up the job.

Over the years, I met him at award ceremonies and concerts. We shared the stage on several occasions. My heart ached every single time we were just a few feet away and did not speak beyond the dry formalities, if at all. He had broken away from Kiara and formed his troupe two years later. I rose to some popularity too. We commended each other in interviews, but we never spoke directly. People presumed we had a bitter past, but none of us remarked on that.

As for me, I always repented the bitter farewell. I craved to relive that night when we had pirouetted at the tunes of The Rain. But I stayed away.

Today was the tenth Christmas since the day I had thrown that stupid dare at him. A nineteen-year-old challenging a twenty-one-year-old. I wondered how it had the power to keep me going.

As I waited, allowing the setting sun and the rushing waves to make me feel more forlorn, I wondered if my achievements were still not good enough for him. I was happy with myself now, but the chase for betterment never ceased. If Rwugan did not come today, I decided to start afresh. This time it would not be to prove something to him but to do something for me.

As the Sun leisurely dipped below the horizon, I realized Rwugan had forgotten this pact. I got up and walked towards the waves to bid adieu to this beach. I would never return here. It would hurt to relive this day. From now on, I decided, when I meet him at concerts, I would smile and look him in the eyes without the baggage.

“I know there’s an ocean out there to win. But just as the ocean has its shore, we need it too. Our shore to crash on with all our frustrations and complaints, or to dance in exhilaration. A place to return. A place to call home.”

I closed my eyes as my heart started hammering. Rwugan’s voice sounded like a song.

I hated him for sneaking up behind me like that day in the studio! I loved him that he did!

“I watched you all through the day, dreading you would vanish. Every year I have come here for you to turn up, but you didn’t. You have set some strict standards for yourself, Nyla. Ten years?”

“I wanted to be sure that I met your standards,” I said, turning back.

“You were always above them.”

As we looked into each other’s eyes, I got my peace and quiet. I got the lull that I needed after ten chaotic years.