Hesitation Cut

"Just say it," you silently reminded yourself. You knew you'd regret it if you didn't. 

As she, with apprehension, stared in the eyes of her father, who until today had been an absentee parent in her life. She had not seen him in over 10 years. 

This all stemming from a beyond irrational disagreement between the two. A massive misunderstanding on his part. Did that really deserve a decade of silence from the man? 

The little voice in her head grew louder and more impatient. Almost demanding, bullying. 

“DO IT NOW! You weak little girl”. 

This voice was asking for more than just a menial statement from her that possibly would result in guilt. It was bigger than anyone knew, bigger than even she knew for the longest time. She wondered; did he even know? This could be something so easily erased from one’s memory for the sake of survival. 

“SAY IT! Say what you came here to say!!” 

Again, she just stood there quivering, sweating, lips numb, unable to notice anything else going on around her.  

How would she even put it into words, what would she say? She had often practiced this to herself, but how does one possess the courage to confront her biggest fear? 

He, after all was the demon, the obstacle, the panic, the dread and the absolute doubt of self. He, then became every other man in her life and she would find herself in a relationship with. The repetative, emotionally unavailable idiot loop.

It wasn’t always this way. There was a time where she worshipped him. He represented freedom in her childhood. A representation that was not actually a good influence to be learned upon, however. 

Being a product of a broken home, a newly anointed teenager, impressionable and looking for adventure. She found lots of comfort in receiving all the opportunities to do anything she wanted when she was living with him. He did not often punish, nor provide any rules to follow and she, being a wild child found this to be like the Las Vegas of puberty. He was never around and did not take part in her life when he was. She could do anything, at anytime, whenever she wanted. Partying with boys was like the bright lights on the strip. A fascination, a way to get attention she so desperately craved. She learned quickly how to manipulate her sexuality in order to receive the love from a man, fill the void that he had left her.

What she didn't understand was the actual reason he would leave her empty in her most vulnerable ages.

“Come on!! You can say it! Just say it!” 

There is was again. The little voice growing bigger, stronger in your head as it tries to make its way from the mind slowly to the mouth. You will not be able to move on from this point if this is not a statement you make here and now. You will feel unfulfilled and continue to make the conversation with an invisible party in your mind. 

Now, there is always a possibility that he will not give you the response you need, want or desire. You may still be left with the unsatisfying taste in your mouth, but at least you will have done what you can do and speak. 

You can see that he was growing impatient or possibly uncomfortable with the lack of conversation and uncomfortable silence that was growing like thick smoke in the air choking them both.

Her memories of childhood were few and far between. Little flashes here and there. She often wondered why these were so sparse. Did she suffer an accident that no one told her about? Did she happen to have some sort of amnesia? 

As she got older and things like relationships became harder to maintain and even navigate with any kind of functionality, she began to suspect that these gaps and holes in her memory were in fact by choice. Suppressed for the purpose of being able to live without all of the accompaniments attached to possible trauma that causes one to erase one’s past. However, suspecting does not mean that she was willing to see this as truth yet. Many years of suffering, affliction and self-hate finally brought it all to the surface. The absolute helplessness and surrender gave way to the truth. It was like a re-birth of a sort and now, now she could live. She could be anything now. Recreate herself, find love without punishment. Be alone without fear. It was all hers. 

But this was not over. There was still him.

“This is your chance. Say it now!” 

You knew this was the moment. Once time, this would be the moment to let it all go. He would return to his life of denial that made him old and ugly, and you would start your journey here today. 

She looked him in the eyes and her mouth opened. “You….”

Now wait. Was there a way to move forward without saying a word? You would like to think so, but your entire life you have been afraid of asking for what you want. Terrified of confrontation or even it’s perception. Like this whole time you were only waiting to confront him. Just this once and it would never burden you again. You could just turn around and leave with the satisfaction that you saw him after 10 years and that was enough, maybe he caught your vibe and it was enough for him to feel some sense of responsibility? 

Likely, no. 

He has lived his life with no repercussions. No remorse and protected by a wife that probably in fact knows the truth as well and this is the reason, she has kept him from you for so long. She is just as responsible. 

You have thoughts of their life together and how you somehow just fell out of it. It was that easy for them to disregard you. Well of course it was that easy. Who wants to see the representation of their misconduct in the flesh? He, so you hear suffers physical pains that secretly you hope he feels because of guilt. 

You hope he can’t sleep at night the same way you have suffered long bouts of insomnia. At the same time, you have had moments where you wonder how you will feel if he passes away with not having heard what you have wanted to say. You have your moment and it will never come again. 

“Just say it!” you felt the strength of your possibilities. The armor and security of all you will become. You opened your mouth and this time the words left.

“YOU HAD NO RIGHT!!”