The Color of Memory

       I hear her voice in my mind; she is telling me to remember. She tells me to find the memory, hold it tight, and give it a color. The time I fell and scraped my knee when I was six, I am crying on the sidewalk but then she scooped me up and made it better. At first it is sad and blue, but then turns to a warm, ocean color. Or there was the time she took me to the carnival, and we laughed so hard on the tilt-a-whirl, my favorite ride, that my stomach hurt; that one is the color of sunshine. But then I hear his voice yelling up the stairs and think of all the recollections painted red and stained with the influence of his toxic drink. 

            After mother died, there were no more golden memories to be made. My life became filled with red and the sad kind of blue. I thought I’d never find anyone else who could relight the fire in my heart that my father extinguished. That is, until I met Kai Krane, the star-crossed love of my life. He saved me in more ways than one. My father found out about us and forbade me from seeing him. And even though he has been a drunk my entire life, that was the first time he hit me. At 19 and 18 years old, Kai and I ran away to the city. We found an apartment and got jobs, he is a valet at the most prestigious hotel in the city and I work as a waitress while taking night classes to get my degree in early education. I am now happier than I have ever been in my life because I get to fall asleep every night and wake up every morning next to the love of my life. 

            He took me on a romantic date in the park to propose, and I decided then was the right time to tell him I was pregnant.

EIGHT YEARS LATER 

            Ainsley is going into the second grade, I am the principal at her school, and my husband Kai has made his way up the ladder at Riverview Inn from valet to manager of guest services. Our small but happy family has lived in the suburbs for five years, and Kai and I have maintained a happy marriage dispite stress with careers, moving out of the city, and raising a child. I allow myself this moment to remember as I lie in bed, not yet ready to begin the day. But the moment ends when Kai calls to me from where he gets ready in the bathroom; so I drag myself out of bed and go to wake up Ani. 

            By the time I get Ani to school and make it to my office, it is already 8:15. I have a feeling that this just isn’t going to be my day. I sit down and get some work done but am unable to fully focus on the task at hand because I need to leave at 11am for a doctor’s appointment in the city. 

            I go to my appointment, and everything is normal. They did a test for dementia, but only because of my familial history and Dr. Kramer said dementia is rarely hereditary anyway. 

            After that, I decide to go surprise Kai at work since it is in walking distance. I walk through the wide-open double doors and make my way to Kai’s office. But when I get there, the door is locked, and the sight I see through the rectangular window makes my knees go weak. The story of our family sometimes seems like one big sunshine colored memory, but lately, I have noticed that Kai is drifting away. He stays at work later, works on weekends and doesn’t always seem there when I talk to him. But I never fathomed the notion that he would be unfaithful. 

            The concierge of the hotel, I think her name is Linda or Linette or something, has my husband pinned against the wall and is kissing him. I back slowly down the hallway, turn on my heals and run, tears stinging my eyes and smearing my makeup. 

            I confront Kai when he gets home and he denies the accusation. I can’t decide whether believe him or not. Now that I think about it, it did look like she had made the first move. He did not push her off, but maybe he was just surprised. 

            A few weeks later and things are still tense with Kai we try to keep up a façade for Ainsley, but she is smart, especially for someone so young and I can tell she at least suspects. 

            I try to talk to Kai, but he is angry at me for not believing him. I wonder how we will get through this; and that is when I get the call from my doctor. 

            Walking into our room to give Kai the bad news is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. He sits on the bed with his back to the door. I take a deep breath to steel myself and knock on the door frame to announce my presence. 

            Without turning around, his posture becomes ridged and I feel sad that this is now his reaction to me. I walk over to sit next to him on the bed. “I’m sorry I didn’t believe you.” 

            “It’s alright, I understand the way it looked, and I might have done the same thing if the roles were reversed.” I let out a tiny sob, unspeakably happy that we are mending things. I have missed my husband. 

            I build up the strength and give him the news, “the dementia test, it came back positive.” He looks at me with those eyes that I know are full of pain and hurt but are trying to be strong. Even through all this, he is holding in his pain to be strong for me. And that is when a fresh wave of love for him hits me, and I remember why I fell for those beautiful eyes in the first place. 

TEN YEARS LATER 

            I hear her voice in my mind; she is telling me to remember. She tells me to find the memory, hold it tight, and give it a color. I have to concentrate for a moment, but finally, the image of or first Krane Family Christmas takes shape inside my mind. Ani is a few months old; she attacks her presents with tiny infant hands and rips them open, giggling the whole time. Kai is hovering around her with a video camera, a proud father eager to capture every moment of baby’s first Christmas. 

            I slowly open my eyes to the blinding whiteness that seems to be the standard interior of all healing institutions. But with the opening of my eyes comes the closing of my mind. I try to fight it, but I can only hold off the memory stealing monster for so long. And then everything fades, and I become the other person who can’t remember 

            Her last day was the best one she had in a long time. It was a good day; I tell myself it was a day of happy endings. 

            When Haylee was diagnosed with early-onset dementia, we both agreed that her father should know. Even after everything he had done, he should know what is happening to his daughter. And when we approach him we actually find out that he had been sober ever since his daughter left when she was 18-years old. He has been trying to get back on his feet and had been searching for them. Haylee made amends with him, and they have had a good relationship the last few years. When we were finally forced to put Haylee into residential care after she had a breakdown and attacked me with a wooden spoon, Robert offered to pay. He said that after all the awful things he had done, this was his way of repenting. 

            Haylee’s doctor called us one morning and told us that she had suddenly become increasingly worse over the night, her brain is deteriorating, he said. She won’t last the day. Ainsley, Haylee’s father and I head to the home. I wait in the hall as Robert goes in to see her, then Ainsley and I go in to say our last goodbyes to our favorite person. 

            She is sitting up and smiling. This is the best I have seen her look in a long time. I tread lightly, not sure if she remembers who we are. Robert came out a few minutes ago and said she did but it is like a switch that can be flipped between one second and the next. The last time I let my guard down when she didn’t remember me, she completely freaked out and thought I had kidnapped her. 

            “Well, don’t just stand in the doorway, come in!” I laugh, and then tears start to well up because she’s the only one who can do that to me, and I am going to miss her so much. Ainsley runs to her mother’s side and falls, weeping into her arms. Even at 18, she’s still her mother’s daughter. That is the last straw for me; I run into the arms of the love of my life and the three of us just stay like that for I don’t know how long. 

            When we finally break apart, I take my wife’s face in my hands and kiss her; it is full of love and longing and ‘I miss you already’. 

            For the next hour, Ainsley and I sit on either side of Haylee’s bed, talking and reminiscing. We talk about all the memories from all those years of happiness together and she tells us what colors they are. Blue green orange, purple and gold; most importantly gold. At some point I hear Robert come in behind me, she looks up and smiles, and I know that they have made things right and Ainsley will know her grandfather. 

            We keep her talking for as long as possible, but all too soon, the monster wins and this time he has stolen more than just memories. We end the day by wandering the city, talking about her and celebrating the life of the person we all loved most.