Daydream Believer

I arrive on campus early where the lot is about halfway full so I am able to find a spot quickly and I decide to take a few minutes before getting out to calm my nerves. The sun is beating through my driver side window and my heart is beating so fast from nerves that my hairline is starting to sweat. ,I open the window to let in the fresh, crisp fall air. I close my eyes and take a couple of deep breaths- a forceful inhale through the nose and long gentle exhale out the mouth.

When I open my eyes I pull my new backpack up onto the passenger seat to make sure I have everything I need on my first day (even though I checked twice before I left). Three notebooks with clean empty pages just waiting for my meticulous notes, two folders for semester itineraries, four pencils sharpened to a fine point, a black pen, a blue pen, a water bottle, fresh pack of gum and my brown wallet. I flip open the wallet quick- my license, my student ID, twenty dollars, picture of my wife Barb and my daughter Erin who is also at her first day of college out of state. I check my schedule for the fifth time this morning and whisper the courses quietly aloud- American Literature first, followed by Statistics and then Physics after lunch.

  My purpose here is unclear even to me and my decision to return to university was somewhat last minute, so these are the classes that were left with available slots. But the classes I take are beside the point and the education is beside the point. When people ask I tell them that I am in seeking a second chance, not just at a degree but in life! But if I’m being completely honest with myself I am here to see somebody I shouldn’t want to see and I keep that to myself. But us college students are funny like that- we never know what we want! This is a time for experimenting and learning who we are! At least that’s what all of the posters in the administration office said.

               I start walking towards my first class, looking around at all of the students chatting excitedly with one another, trying to spot one excited student in particular. I stop at a tree at the edge of the grass and pretend to check my cellphone for messages. The time reads 7:55am which means I only have about fifteen more minutes to find my class and time is running out. I look around one last time when I feel a tap on my shoulder. Startled I turn around and there she is. I can feel heat rushing to my face and I fight back the urge to smile. I'm mortified by her seeing me blush. Her long dark hair is hanging around her shoulders; she has a coffee in one hand and her phone in the other. She’s wearing contacts today and a brand new college sweatshirt that still has its creases. For a second I think back to when she was over for dinner last spring and Barb and I were telling the girls how much I regretted not finishing college and how important the experience is to transition into adulthood. Taren was the one who suggested going back, saying how it’s never too late. She was right! Why had I never thought of that? While Erin went away to her out of state private school, Taren and I are stuck here at the local state university.

 In her sweet upbeat demeanor, Taren smiles broadly and says “Hey Mr. Doran! Happy first day!”

“Please, Taren, call me Dan.” I say calmly, still fighting a big smile and losing.

“Have you talked to Erin? I miss her so much already. Shit, my class is starting, see you later Mr. Doran!” She says as she starts to walk away. “I mean Dan” she says over her shoulder, laughing. The sound of my name passing through her lips sends me to a thought I have to abandon immediately or I can't keep lying to myself. There are butterflies in my stomach I haven't felt since I was thirteen.

 Was she laughing at me? Laughing because she has always wanted to call me Dan? I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and squint to read, I shade my phone with my hand- it’s a text message from Barb wishing me good luck on my first day. I notice the time and my class is also about to start so I hurry off with a little more pep in my step. I walk into the small lecture hall, find an open seat and sit patiently waiting for the professor to arrive. I pull out my notebook and open it to the first page; take a pencil and place it neatly parallel to the notebook, pop in a fresh piece of gum and try to fit in. A couple students stare but I mostly go unnoticed. Twenty years their senior but I still have a full head of hair and minimal lines on my face. Everybody has computers and I’m suddenly embarrassed by my new notebooks. I’m probably the only person who brought a pencil. I feel old and nervous. I pull out my water bottle and take a few too many swigs and cough loudly. Amidst my fit, the professor walks in and begins class immediately. “Welcome to American Lit, our first book will be A Farewell to Arms” and everybody types into their laptops.

  I listen intently, hanging onto every word, taking organized and concise notes as if my life depends on it, which it kind of does. Being here is crucial to my non-existent plan. I knew I had to come. But now that I’m here I have no idea what to do. I wonder what class she is in now. I wonder if she is wondering what class I am in now. I imagine sitting next to her in class, spending time in the library together, her leaning in to kiss me and me heroically exclaiming “Taren, stop! Erin is my daughter! And you are her best friend! I'm much too old for you and so we can’t do this, it’s not right. We must swallow our feelings and ignore them forever” And even though she is disappointed I stand by my decision to be responsible. I shake my head, the clouds part and my daydream disappears. I’m back in class, the professor is still talking about Ernest Hemingway and the students are still clicking away on their keyboards.

               After class I take the long route to my next building that I know from studying the campus map in preparedness so not to seem new or lame. I see Taren across the way talking to a couple of students. Friends? I sit on a bench and pretend to read my book. She has her hair up now into a bun and is laughing at something one of her friends said. I imagine Erin calling me and asking if I’ve seen Taren and I tell her I have but there is something I need to tell her. I ask her if she is sitting down before I gently break the news to her that Taren and I are in love and that her mother and I are getting a divorce but remaining friends. Lying to my daughter and myself, even in my own daydream.

I check the time and head to my next class. When I walk inside I see Taren in the second row of the lecture hall and so I take a seat in the back by the door. She has a laptop like everybody else, of course she does. I am trying to pay attention but I keep finding my gaze at the back of her head before coming to. The whole class passes like this and then it’s over. Suddenly I’m embarrassed that we are in the same class so I duck out before she can see me and wait outside pretending to check my backpack for something. I reorganize, straighten some papers and check my phone again while waiting for her to walk out of the building. Finally she exits into the sunlight and is walking towards the campus center, probably for lunch. I stay a solid thirty feet or so behind her as she puts her headphones in and picks up her pace. Inside the cafeteria she takes seat at the center of a long community table and pulls out a sandwich. I find myself a small table against the window and pull out my notebooks in case she sees me. I watch her watch her phone for about thirty minutes before she’s finished stands up to gather her belongings and leaves in the opposite direction as the Physics building .

               The rest of the day I spend with my head in an alternate world where I am younger, cooler and desirable. In a world where I’m not just Mr. Doran, boring yet devoted husband and father. When I arrive home Barb has dinner started and the house smells like roasted chicken and potatoes. She greets me at the door excited to hear about my classes. She takes my jacket and bag and places them neatly on the bench just inside the door. I follow her into the kitchen where I make myself a small drink and stand on the other side of the kitchen island while she checks the oven. I realize that the rest of the students are probably eating cafeteria buffet food together in a loud hall. Barb’s hair is pulled into a bun like Taren’s but I don’t stare at it. She makes small conversation, mentions she has talked to Erin and then asks if I saw Taren on campus. I hesitate for a moment and then I answer truthfully “Yes, I saw her in the quad before classes briefly.” Then quickly change the subject.

               Dinner is pleasant enough. Barb is a kind and supporting wife with intellectual conversation as always. She has read quite a few of the books scheduled for this semester in my American Lit class and says she looks forward to talking about them with me. She was very helpful with the enrollment process and even picked up a part time job while I had lowered my hours at work to accommodate my class schedule. When we finish and Barb starts to clear the table I tell her I need to get to the library for a study group which isn’t entirely untrue. I grab my jacket and bag and head back out the door.

When I walk into the library I keep my head down. As I quietly stroll through the aisles in the Historical Fiction section, I caress the books with my fingers along the way. I look at the different groups of students hunched over books and comparing highlighted paragraphs and talking quietly. Finally on the third floor in the back corner I see her with other students from our statistics class. I find a nearby table and sit facing away so I can listen without having to join. They talk about the professors they had, who they liked, how they didn’t care for statistics but you have to take some type of prerequisite in math. Taren mentions her dorm and I take a mental note.

               After a couple of hours everybody at the Statistics table stands up to head back to their various designated dorms. I wait a safe amount of time before getting up and follow Taren back to her dorm to make sure she is safe. All sorts of strange things can happen at night, especially at college and especially to young women who are new to being on their own. We walk straight for quite some time when she takes a sharp right into a tall building I assume is her dormitory. I take a sharp left and find myself extremely lucky as somebody has propped the door open with a rock, I assume it’s the boy smoking by the corner of the building. I walk inside; climb the stairs at the end of the hall passed the top floor until I see a sign that reads ‘roof access.’ I push in the handle bar, place my backpack in the doors way, find a seat at edge of the roof top and scour the lit windows in search of one in particular. On the far right two girls are smoking a bowl and blowing smoke into a toilet paper roll wrapped in a dryer sheet. “I guess some things never change” I laugh to myself as I think back to high school when I would do the same with my friends. Below them is a boy sitting at his desk up against the window with a lamp on. He is drawing something I can’t quite make out.

 I pull my gaze over the left and there she is. Already in pajamas, she has let her hair back down and has replaced her contacts with glasses. Safe in her room, locked away from the rest of the world. Her roommate isn’t there I notice because the other bed is still made and the lights on that end of the room are off. Taren is watching a movie on her laptop and playing on her phone. I watch as she stands up and leaves the room. Where is she going? I imagine a large fraternity boy stopping her in the hallway and backing her into a corner. He asks her where she’s going as he leans in. I start to get nervous but she comes back with what looks like a cup of tea and returns to her movie. I let out a sigh of relief. She’s lucky I am here to protect her if anything ever did happen. I keep an eye out until she eventually turns the lights off for the night and goes to sleep. I stand up, grab my bag and head back home.

When I get home Barb is already asleep. I quickly wash my face, brush my teeth and crawl in beside her. I curl up, wrap my arm around her and kiss her goodnight before turning over to face the wall. At first I am too excited to sleep but eventually my excitement turns to satisfaction from my day and comfort in knowing Taren is asleep as well. My body starts to relax and drift off to sleep. My day dreams creep into my real dreams where I don’t have the power to stop them. I am at school with enough notebooks to share with my class but nobody wants them. Taren sits next to me in Statistics and presses her thigh into mine and I kiss her. This is it- my second chance- at life and at love. I can feel the promise and endless possibilities of a brand new world exploding in my chest. Suddenly I hear my alarm ringing and her imagine is pulled away. I hit the snooze button and try to get back to that moment but it’s over. Luckily, after I wake up the feeling lingers as I go downstairs. I’m not fighting my urge to smile as I arrive in the kitchen where Barb has coffee ready for me. She takes my expression as if it’s for her, smiles back and tells me she’s proud of me. A tinge of guilt stings inside of me but I shake it off and start to get ready for class.