The Light in the Silence

Lina had always been fond of the principles of mathematics, which is why it wasn't just the numbers that made her enjoy math, but also the music, harmony, and rhythm that mathematics possessed. It wasn’t just a tool to help her navigate through life; it was a way to communicate, to discover the meaning of the universe. To Lina, solving problems wasn’t about coming up with the right answer; it was about the thrill of the search, about finding order out of chaos.

But life, as it often does, had a way of introducing challenges that disrupt even the most rigorous equations. It began with a mild soreness, a kind of discomfort that she felt along her jawline; she thought it was due to being tired. But it turned into something horrifying. What began as a small discomfort became severe forms of pain that pierced her face as if she was being electrocuted. The doctors would later on diagnose it as trigeminal neuralgia, but for Lina, it was simply an evil and vicious force that seemed to be intent on removing her from life.

Pain was something she had never experienced in her lifetime. It came out of the blue and with it came a sting as if her face had been set on fire. It was so severe that she was numb, unable to respond or even move as the world went on around her. It wasn’t something she could work through. There was nothing that could be done in order to prevent it. It was an enemy that sneaked up on her, that infiltrated her body and her mind.

She had always been a fighter, a girl who did not get down easily, and this was not something that could be picked up and dealt with. How was she supposed to pay attention to her lessons – the only way to escape from the world – when every now and then a pain arose from the back of her neck? How could one find answers to the equations when the body was uncooperative?

But still, she did it. She went back to school and resumed her work, trying to escape the pain. But no matter how much she tried to focus on her work, the pain only increased. There was always a sense of loneliness in the back of her mind, and the thought of being in a foreign country with her condition lingered.

Lina had enrolled in university in a new environment for a fresh start, but it wasn’t as she had hoped. Here in this city she had no one to turn to, no one to comfort her. But the loneliness wasn’t just a feeling one could describe; it was physical. It was a shadow that remained, and reached even to the distance between her and her home.

Lina’s senses were filled with the expectation of Christmas as the new year came. The city was all lights up for Christmas and people around her were cheerful, but in her apartment, she was not. All she could hear was her voice and sometimes a sharp pain in her head. She missed the arms that could hold her and the sounds of her family cheering, the moments of joy that were once in her life. But here she was, all alone – alone with the pain in her body, alone with the thoughts that were slowly getting into her.

On Christmas Eve, when the entire world was celebrating the arrival of Christmas, Lina was attacked by the pain all over again. It came up again, and with the same force as a wave she fell to the floor, holding her face. She wanted it to go away, she tried to make it go away, but nothing seemed to work. She closed her eyes and prayed for an escape, waiting for it to be over.

 Then, something happened.

 Somebody said something, in a whisper, but very softly, to her.

 “Do not be afraid, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by your name.”

The words were not her own, they came from elsewhere, from a world that is not this one. But as soon as they got into her mind, everything was different. The pain was of course there, the pain was still as severe and as unyielding as it had been, but the intensity seemed to be reduced, at least a little. The words echoed in her mind and she felt herself transform in some way. It was as if the very essence of those words fought against the darkness that surrounded her.

She wasn’t alone.

This realization came to her like a gentle wave, soothing the tempest inside her. The pain was still there, of course – it was always there, but it wasn’t as strong as before. But with these words, “I have called you by name,” Lina felt as if she had been transformed in some way. She hadn’t felt such comfort for a while now and when it did come, she felt it in her chest. The suffering had not been taken from her, and this was something she had learned through her faith. She was not alone in this storm. Christ was with her.

At last Lina inhaled deeply and filled her lungs for the first time in a while. The deep-seated fear that had been her companion  for so long seemed to be losing its grip. She understood that she could endure. She learned that living with it was possible by looking at it from a different perspective.

In the days that followed, Lina no longer felt as if she was confined to her skin. She no longer felt as if she was being victimized by her illness. She realized that there was more to her than that, and that she could change what was happening to her. She would never be lonely. She was called by God and this changes everything.

On Christmas Day, when the world was covered in fresh snow, Lina spent some time alone and thought about the changes which have taken place. She was still in another country; she was still away from her family and friends, and the people she could call her own. But the gap which separated them did not seem to be as wide as it had been before. There was still pain in her heart but it was eased by something which was beyond her condition.

It was as if she had been given the greatest gift of all – not the absence of pain, but the presence of peace; not all that she wanted but the understanding that she will never be alone.

It was still unclear what the future held for Lina-whether she would improve or if the pain would return with a vengeance. She didn’t know. But what she realised was that she was not alone. She knew that Jesus called her by her name, and that was enough.

This Christmas was different. It hadn’t been as fulfilling as it would have been if spent with family or in a familiar environment. It was the understanding that no matter how wrong things seemed, there is always hope in the world. And that light, even if it was still, was enough to take her further.