LOOK TO THE LIGHT

There was a strange feeling in the air that I sensed was a warning. Someone was following me. I immediately felt the hand of fate in a 'do or die' moment and turned quickly with every ounce of my body at the ready in self-defense mode. All of a sudden, the wind blew epic gusts, stirring up a cauldron of leaves swirling like the devil with forks and knives. It was just a sketchy Michael Myers scene, but my mind went on traumatic overdrive. I stopped and quickly put on the mental brakes and said, "I know you. We got this."

It was my younger self in the shadows behind me that I saw while walking the streets of this desolate town. I know that now. I was having a near break down moment as my life spun in circles. Clarity always came when I stepped out into the night air for a purposeful stroll. There is something about Mother Nature, regardless of snow, wind, sleet or dark of night that made my thoughts settle down. Always a Zen moment and for that I thanked my longtime friend and Army's buddy, Trae. I paused and thought back to a moment in time which seemed like only yesterday and not the ten years it has been since we were in la-la land. Whenever we were out on night patrol in 'Nam on the outskirts of a sparse area near Laos, he made it a point to look to the sky, see the stars and find the brightest one. He felt it was always a calling to notice the moment. Pointing it out to us brought clarity to a dire predicament. Which, for me, was right about now.

A flash back brought me down memory lane to a pivotal time never to be forgotten in '67 when we were all issued a one-way ticket to paradise. We opted in to do our time as the draft was ramping up in the background. So much was going on in this country with the war situation heating up. The Hippy freaks were causing a scene wherever they were, and it wasn't pretty. Protests and the war affected everyone in one way or another. Getting out of Dodge was the option many of us chose as we were just out of high school and many of us hadn't a plan for the next chapter. What did we really know about life? In late January of 1968, during the lunar or Tet holiday, North Vietnamese and communist Viet Cong forces launched a coordinated attack against a number of targets in South Vietnam. The US and South Vietnamese militaries sustained heavy losses before finally repelling the communist assault. The years went on until the US finally pulled out. By 1975 the involvement of all the US soldiers ended as a lost cause. Now what? Each one came home to a wave of different scenarios. One person's curled and calm sea of water was another's upsurge of a monster tidal wave in the ocean. 

This is where I am now. The tidal wave in my life came and went, and on occasion, forced me to leave and get out of my own way. The years took their toll as I tried to figure my path. It became a burden with each day not ending on a happy note. It began when I would meet up with a few of my buddies, a Budweiser in one hand, the other holding onto the dog tags I kept in my pocket. Something about the feel of the metal next to me brought closeness to the brothers I lost. The meeting place was always the same, down by the river, under the bridge. We took on life's challenges and solved so many problems, in our own way of course. Inevitably, we all had to move on as this place was keeping each of us in a dormant mode. Life happens. Some rallied and found work, a woman to share their life, maybe reconnected with family and found a sense of peace in it all.

My home became this place for a while as my restlessness kept replaying scenes from the past and time spent across the pond. One night, I walked the river's edge, when brightness on the water caused me to look up. The night sky glistened with an overload of stars, but it was the dazzle effect of a shooting star that reminded to take notice of the moment. It was a pivotal sign and one that made a difference. I threw my arms up and yelled into the night. Tossing my head back, I swore and cursed like a banshee wolf. It was as if a switch went on. This is bullshit! I am better than this. By daylight, I had pulled myself up by the bootstraps, and found my way out of the dark. I became more determined to change the life that lay hidden under piles of war-torn fragments. 

Taking a huge first step, I began a job working for a well-known building company as a pencil pusher since I knew numbers. I pushed the pencil hard over and over but hit bottom more times than not. What am I doing. This is not me. Many people I interacted with were either real nice, or okay. And then there were the rude idiots. I so much wanted to shout, DUNG LAI ! Stop. Do not mess with me. This was not what I expected at all. But I kept going, telling myself, don't quit. 

Today I sank to my knees. It was not an average day. My younger self came to me as I sat in a dark closet in the company warehouse. Suddenly, in a split second, the war screamed and blazing howitzers jumped out for a brief moment. We were out on a hammer and anvil mission and images of an arc light flashed in my mind. I grabbed my head. This was not what I needed right now and got up. Time to shake off the moment and get back to real time. Stepping out of my dark sanctuary, I swore a blue streak, when I realized the lunch hour was long over and I'd be late getting back to the office. A co-worker, with warehouse duties, was walking towards me. He must have seen the weight I carried and stopped. "Hey, brother." He surprised me as I felt a little off given the place I just came out. What would he think? 

It didn't take long for him to sum up what he sensed in this unplanned run in. "I know you." This guy was around my age and had a look and presence not everyone had been trained to wear. "You are where I was, not all that long ago." I was confused, not sure what he meant. "We came. We saw. We survived." It was a moment shared that forever adjusted my life in its pitiful slide. We both crossed over the fence into the thick of the jungle in our time in 'Nam. He shook my hand, grabbed my shoulder and only said, "Do Not." The words that followed was my calling card to step up to discover my real life's purpose. The signs pointed everywhere. I needed to see the light.

THREE LIFE RULES

If you do not go after

what you want, you will

never have it.

If you do not ask, the

answer will always be no.

If you do not step

forward, you will always

remain in the same place.