Raindrop Home

Another family game night, another pepperoni pizza sitting on the coffee table, another fire kindling in the background, another pointless routine to pretend we are all okay. We do this every Friday night; try to pretend that we are okay. We try to pretend that the pain went away when our father left, like everything would magically heal because we played monopoly once a week while eating an overpriced pizza. Yet as I watch the rain trickle down our living room window, everything becomes so surreal, so clear. The laughing of my mother and siblings, the echo of the television in the other room, the crackling sound coming from the fire, the smell of the smoke and the pizza and my mother's damn perfume. It all fades, all of the anger, all of the sadness, all of the pressure to feel okay, all of it fades away to nothing. Just like those tiny droplets of water dripping down, I wish to avoid it all. The rain does not have to worry about having to leave it’s family for college. The rain does not have to worry about being able to afford the bills or groceries. The rain does not have to worry about it’s parents divorcing, or it’s brother dying, or it’s grandmother being sick. The rain does not have to be afraid of what they may become. That’s what I wish for us, I wish to have no fear, no recollection of bad times, I wish to simply not worry. Although as I am snapped out of my hazy trance, I cannot help but keep my focus on the rain. The pure, cold, worry-less rain. Even as I switch my focus towards my loved ones. The happiness in them, the happiness I wish I had, just makes me want to evade my focus yet again, it makes my anger towards them just evolve to something I am afraid I cannot control; and then I notice it. I notice the sheer look of pain in my mother's eyes when she sees his favorite chair, the look of pure despair and agony. Almost a look of guilt? This draws my attention to my older brother, who is clinging onto our baby sister while playing as if he is afraid that she will leave him just like our father did. The two year old does not understand what's going on, or why the man who tucked her in every night and made her favorite breakfast every morning was no longer around but I know she will get one of these looks soon enough. Lastly, the most despaired look of all, my older sister. She was the only one with energy, the only one trying to make this all work. Yet when you looked at her all you could see was a hopeless, abandoned child, waiting for her father to come back to her and save the day. As our “family” game night had come to an end I sat alone on the very porch he had once taught me to tie my shoes on and I watched that rain fall as peaceful as I could with all of the built up anger inside of me. All of the pain in this home, in my siblings and in my mother, was there truly a cause, or was this all for the best? Sticking my arm out over that cold, rusted support beam, closing my eyes and just feeling the cold water droplets fall onto my skin, I could only think to focus on one answer. Even without him we are a family, and as a family we will move on. It’s almost like the water cycle, if we were the droplets. When our father left us it rained, and we all came down from our happy cloud. But eventually the pain will evaporate, and we will all go back to the cloud just like before, although it will not be the same, it is better than falling. I think this could be seen as a lesson to all of us, and not one of those cheesy messages like “we all can get back up”. No, what I have learned over the course of this game night is that change happens, but you just have to make yourselves move on for the better. As the rain causes my shirt to get soggy and the water continues dripping down my arm I began to realize something that I should have thought about long before this situation ever even had a chance to escalate this much. Yes we all may love him, and yes we all may miss him, but we do not truly need him. The rain can go through it’s entire cycle without worrying about losing other droplets because the rain does not rely on anything it does not need to. So why should we as people waste our time and energy on such things that we do not need in our lives or that cause us so much harm on a day to day basis? It is time to realize that you are self-sufficient, you are enough for yourself and for others, but if others choose not to stay it should not affect how you are able to support yourself and the ones who do. And as I shook that water off my arm, and I walked back inside my home, I had a new understanding of myself and how much I actually “need” anyone. Being left does hurt. And everyone should have time to heal and recover, I do believe that. Yet we cannot let those who did not want to be around us destroy our cycle. The rain does not stop just because not all of the water evaporated, so why should I have to stop being happy just because our father did not want to follow us right back up into our cloud this time? The cycle will continue, even though the amount of droplets will change quite often, the cycle will always continue.