I Am...

I am worthless…I am a failure…

Meet Melanie – a customer service representative in a large company who very soon would make a life changing decision – one that involved learning a new skill which was essential to her success but in no way came naturally to her. Her supervisor knew of an evening class for just such a skill and enrolled her in it – Positive self-talk. Melanie balked at the idea but agreed. The first night her stomach was full of butterflies – she wasn’t sure if she would make it through the evening.

She looked cautiously around the classroom. Every seat was taken - maybe like me lots of people put themselves down on a regular basis and don’t like doing it so they want to change, she thought. Our shy customer service rep avoided eye contact since she didn’t know anyone there and didn’t want to come off looking like a total fool if she said anything strange. There, her voice was as loud as ever - over generalizing and criticizing. Aargh, she said to herself. Did she have the courage to stay to the end of class? Although she wanted to run out of the room, she was determined to stay and to attend every session of the intense three-week course.

Week one - 

“Hello class - you are all admirable and strong individuals, welcome.”

Melanie and others shook their heads - can’t possibly be talking about the new people in class. (Except, everyone was new). 

“I know you don’t believe me now but by the end of our time together you will agree with me. You’ve taken the first step and that is acknowledging the inner critic needs to be silenced. Pat yourselves on the back mentally. Here is a list of traits that you can probably relate to along with an example of each - place a yes by any that you experience. It is only for yourself so be honest.”

Melanie looked at the list and wrote yes by some of them.

All or nothing - I’m a bad person

Overgeneralization - I will never amount to anything (yes, she could relate)

Mental filter - I accomplished nothing at all

Disqualifying the positive - anything good I did means nothing or extraordinarily little in the scheme of things.

Jumping to conclusions - he didn’t like my idea so everything I say is worthless (another yes)

Magnification/ minimize - Susan had a perfect game; everyone saw me mess up (if she was honest, yes)

Should statements - I should have not said anything (a biggie, yes)

Labeling - I’m a complete numbskull (very definitely)

Personalization - The event was a loss because I was there

“Great - now you have an idea of the kind of voice you have and can work on techniques to silence it. For this week, just try to pay attention to the kind of things the voice is telling you and write them down. Keep a notebook with you and pen. Thank you for coming, see you all next week.”

Eyes kept down as Melanie and the others left the classroom. A couple of the attendees planned to meet for coffee the next day, but Melanie just noticed the wrinkles in her cotton shirt and tea stain on her slacks. So much for making a good first impression. Oops, she already had something to write in her notebook and she hadn’t even left the class. Signing up was the right decision to make. Immediately the thought came that she should have signed up earlier - aargh - a dreaded should statement. A friend had told Melanie once 

“Don’t should on yourself”

Easier said than done! Negative self talk came easy - positive? Therein lies the challenge but a determined Melanie said to herself - I accept the challenge, at least will give it my best shot.

Week Two -

“Welcome back everyone. I’m sure you all had several things written in your notebooks. Don’t worry, 30 days after the end of the class (if you keep up with it) you’ll have less and less written in those books. Why 30? Research has shown that it takes that long to develop a new habit - a new skill works the same. For this week, your task is to identify which way of thinking the thought applies to. For instance, “should” (that one is easy to recognize so start with it) or “labeling” (what an idiot I am - you get the picture). Before we leave - Did the negative thoughts get less for anyone because you were aware of them?”

Shaking heads for the most part.  

“Never mind, be patient - it will happen. I will see you amazing people next week.” (This brought nervous laughter from the group). When she got home, Melanie noticed something amazing - she had not put herself down for her appearance. A victory! She treated herself to a dark chocolate with sea salt and caramel - her very favorite candy. She even told herself she deserved it; that was not like Melanie at all, but it felt good. Just one piece though; you are already heavier than you should be admonished an all too familiar voice inside her head - oh well, she hadn’t learned the positive self-talk skill yet; out came the notebook.

Week Three -

“We’ve made it class. This week starts an all new phase in each of your lives. I call it the “comeback” week. You are going to look at each of your original thoughts and the category that it comes from and next to that write something positive. Here’s an example from something I wrote when just starting out.” (This brought a collective gasp from the class. Their teacher seemed so upbeat, so together.)

Mrs. Williams smiled - “yes, I too lacked the positive self-talk skill, but I am so glad I took the time to learn it. It is an ongoing process, but one that is so rewarding. Anyway, here’s my example: You lost your keys again? You are a complete nincompoop. A disorganized idiot - you’d probably lose your head if it weren’t screwed on. Recognizing the voice - Overgeneralization, labeling, magnification. Comeback week - I will find my keys, I just need to look in the right place. In the meantime, I have just found a spare set that I can use. Now, as to the disorganization, I am in the process of simplifying my life, getting rid of what does not serve me any longer. I will set up a place where I put all my keys each night - then they will always be where I need them. Being disorganized and losing things does not make me a complete nincompoop or idiot and I would not lose my head. Inch by inch, everything is a cinch. That’s an old saying but it works for me.”  

The class gave Mrs. Williams an impromptu applaud which elicited a slight blush but also some words of wisdom for them.

“Thank you everyone. It has taken me a long time to get to this point. Now, take yourselves in hand and head out. You can do it! Keep up the great work that you started. Affirmations can help too –

I am happy, I am organized…

you get the idea. I am going to retire from teaching next month, but one of you I’m sure will be able to teach this class to future students. Good luck.”

“Did you ever find your keys” a student asked from the very back.

“Yes, they were turned in to someone who knew who they belonged to - it was uncanny really, but I was very relieved. The organizing is still a work in progress, but I do a bit each day, most days. I’m heading across the street to Hardees if any of you would like to join me.” About half the class (Melanie included) accepted. Another member of class that was close to Melanie’s age sat at the same table and the two became fast friends. She and Mary had a lot in common - even coming from the same area of London. They would encourage each other to keep developing this positive self-talk skill, and have fun doing it. A new but happier chapter in each of their lives had begun - each armed with a new friendship and a new skill. Hush inner critic! You have said enough!

Mary called Melanie on Tuesday of the following week and asked her what seemed to Melanie a very peculiar question. “Have you ever seen the pyramids of Giza?”

“No, why?”

“I have two tickets round trip to Egypt - free. Pack your bags my friend, I won’t take no for an answer. There is something we need to do there.”

Melanie was stunned. One of her main goals in life was to see the world. This would sure be a great start. Something was nagging at her though - something didn’t seem right. She did some research at the library of places to stay, places to eat, and things to see. The uneasiness dissipated. Come with me - that was all Mary said - what on earth could she mean when she said “free”. Had she won the trip? Been left some money? Maybe she would never know. Should she go with her even though the two had only just become friends? What about vaccinations? She was sure she needed them. Then there was the problem of who was going to feed the cats in Larry’s basement while she was away - there were 18 of them. To say Larry was fond of his cats was an understatement but since Melanie loved cats as well, she had agreed to take care of them while Larry was on a business trip. Now a visit to Egypt was placed in her lap. She had always liked camels - maybe they would get to ride one while they were there. Luckily, Mary knew of a trustworthy old lady (they called her the cat person) who knew Larry and would be more than happy to take care of his cats until he got back. One problem solved.

And, if she was completely honest with herself, she was yet to face the biggest obstacle of all. Melanie was deathly afraid of heights and had no time to desensitize herself to the idea of flying. She didn’t even climb to the top rung of ladders - first rung or second, but any more than that and she just couldn’t move. After much hemming and hawing the desire to see the world (or at least part of it) surmounted the fear of heights. She could close her eyes during the flight and that would be easier. She might even convince herself that she was having fun - maybe. Remember the positive self-talk Melanie - you can do this!

An announcement over the loudspeaker in the airport said 

“Flight 147 to Cairo now boarding, please have your boarding passes ready…”

A frightened but determined Melanie said to herself - oh help! 

No, change that right now –

I am calm, I am happy, I am…