Stars

Last time I celebrated New Years Eve was before the accident. Before she broke my heart. Before my life was like this.

“I love you.” Addy said with a giggle and a sparkle that never seemed to leave hers eyes.

“Addy you have had one to many champagnes.” I replayed, “you don’t mean any of this.”

“Rubie… I’m not making any of this up. I-i have felt like this forever.”

“Ads, please it’s almost 2014.”

“Dance, come dance with me.”

“You know I don’t dance.” 

“Please.” She begged with her eyes. 

It may have been because of the champagne, or how when she makes her jade eyes big like that I just can not resist that. I join Addy dancing to the pre ball dropping music. 

Every year since the 2013 almost 2014 I have never celebrated New Years Eve and I refuse to. That was the night I lost my true love. The night the stars went out and then the sun never rose again. It’s now 2019 almost 2020.

“40 more minutes.” Smith announces.

“Look at that Rubie we made it till midnight.” Addy slurs.

“It’s not midnight just yet Ads.”

“Well at midnight it will be two years.”

“You know I can’t wait.” 

Two years ago Addy was a shy girl hiding behind her long black hair, now she isn’t scared to be the real her. I think that's what made me fall for her. The way she speaks her voice or the way she sticks up that special finger when someone gives her shit.

It’s December the 31st; I have a bottle of whiskey and a way to get around. The night is crisp and clear, but still no stars. Years have gone by, I haven’t seen a star in so long. I miss my star.

‘You going to the party?’ Smith texts.

‘You know I haven’t come since that night.’

“You know I won’t stop trying Rubie, we all miss you.”

“ I’m sorry Smith.” I text back and turn the phone off.

“Half an hour shot time!” Smith yells.

“Cheers!” Addys and I’s cup click together.

“Kiss me.” Addy whispers over my ear.

“Ads were friends and I'm not g-” She cuts me off with her lips on mine and my whole body melts into hers, and right there I knew she was the one for me.

I lied. Why did I lie to her. Clearly I wasn’t straight. Clearly. I miss you Ads, I miss you. If I could go back to that day. Before my star disappeared. That night always replays in the back of my mind. Loud screams and pops.

“20 more minutes!” I hear in the distance. I breath Addys air and she breaths mine. All I need is Addy. She makes me see stars.

“Come on you lesbian love birds I need to pee.” We break apart. I have lean against the wall just to make sure I don’t fall, my legs are limp.

“Oh my God.” I say breathlessly.

“I told you I loved you.” She giggled.

“You’re still drunk.”

“Drunk on love babe.”

The bottle is finished as I turn on a rerun of a 90s show. The sound of loud music is blaring from my next door neighbors. I need to remember to move, its like this every year. I bitterly eat my sandwich and and watch a crappy overplayed show. 

“15 more minutes! Everyone, only 15 more till 2014!” 

“I think I just need another shot.”

“Rubie…come one.”

“Addy I just need a drink to process everything, okay?”

“Okay.” 

Everything begins to blur when the hot tears cloud my vision. I will not cry, not tonight. Rubie you loved her and she knew that, now suck those sorry tears back up. I still love her, but she is gone. 

“Ten minutes. The final ten.” He announces.

*BANG*

“What the hell was that?” Someone yells.

“Just some jerks wants to scare people.”

*BANG*

That is not fireworks. That is gunshots. Oh shit. Oh God. Oh my. Addy! 

*BANG*

*BANG*

*BANG*

Screams is all I can hear. The last one sounded like Addy. I run into the general direction of where I heard her scream. Once I arrive I see her laying in her own blood. 

“Addy, oh my God.” I scream.

“Rubie, I-i’m fine.”

“Ads you’re bleeding out, fine my ass.”

“Rubie you are overreacting.”

“Babe you are bleeding from your stomach.” I say.

“You called me babe.”

“Ads it’s no big deal.”

“It was a big deal to make-out with me.”

“Well duh I love you.”

Addy coughs and its not good, it’s blood.

“You said it.” She smiles.

“Of course I said it. Addy you are going to be just fine.”

“Well duh Rubie, nobody can never kill me.”

“I hope so.” 

Oh God I really hope so. Please don’t let this wonderful girl die. I need her. I really need her. God please don’t take her. I beg and cry. I scream. All I can do is hold pressure and kiss her forehead.

She’s gone. She is  gone. Addy is gone. Addison Miller is gone. I miss her. Her kisses could kill. Her body was a deadly weapon. Her hair was were she kept all her sass. Her eyes could hypnotize you. She was perfect. I could admit she was gone it to myself for well over four months. 

Addy was my best friend. Was. God I wish she could see me today. I always imagined she would be there with me through everything. House. Marriage. Baby. As I held her body all I could think about more and more was how much I loved her. God I loved her.

The white pews and the stale smell of air freshener. This wasn’t like her, it was like her mother. It’s in a church which clearly wasn’t a place for Addy.  Her mother asked me to say a few nice words. I had written and rewritten the speech multiple times. It had to be perfect just like she was. Was. Just like how she was my star. 

My speech was short and simple, “She was my star; from now one all my nights will be dark. Goodbye my one and only star.”