The Bout - Shoulder Angels go head to head and toe to toe.

*Round1

7:46 am

“Oh what a beautiful morrrrrning, Oh what a byoo-tee-fulll dayyyyyyy”

~the little singsong voice breaks sleep’s fog as I open one eye hesitatingly- begrudgingly.

“Another sunny day Hildie! Hear those little birds? I bet they’re at the feeder we put up outside the window …. Let’s get up and open the blinds. Let the sun in!

Ok! ….heeeeeeere, we go…..! Just sit up and open that blind! On the count of three…. ONE - TWO - TH———-”

RRRRRrrrrMmmmmm…..sleeeeeeeeeeeep. Blankies. Sleeeeeeeeeep. No light yet. Thaaaat’s it Hildie, just roll back over nice and easy and smother her in the pillows. There we go.. That’s nice. hmmm…. SLEEEEEEEEEP

I roll over on my right side and shut my eyes again.

Voice singsonging something muffled and inaudible…

{ Winner - Dev}

* Round Two

9:53 am

I roll back over on my left side and squint at the clock.

“Hello sunshine! Hear those birds! Coooome on…. That new coffee we bought yesterday waits! All we have to do is push the button. Up up up!! "

Grumble.

Well ok. Gotta pee anyway.

I pull myself out of bed and scratch my butt as I go to the bathroom, flipping the coffeemaker button to ON as I pass.

The smell begins to fill the space as I sit on the toilet, phone scrolling.

“What the hell is she doing in that outfit at her age? …and posting it too….. shameless. ….wait. check the likes’ …is Phil there? …dammit…. look at her. How could he ‘love’ that - so stupid…..”

“Hellllloooooo???? I thought we agreed to not sit on the toilet with phone in hand….yes? Let’s not start our day that way. You’re better than that Hildie.”

I put my phone on the counter, wipe my hooha and pull my undies back up, then glance at the toilet bowl.

“Whoa there! Before you flush… does that seem like a weird color? You’d better look that up!”

“Wait a minute, let me see. Now Dev, you know good and well that it’s a little off because SOMEONE had us drinking wine last night. There’s nothing there in the bowl that drinking lots of water today won’t take care of… now flush and let’s get on with the day!”

I shrug and flush. Looking in the mirror as I wash my face and hands, I routinely stick out my tongue checking the color.

“Hmmm…. THAT seems off. Better look it up, just to be safe.”

“You’re fine Hildie. The morning awaits!”

With phone in one hand and coffee in the other, I step out to on porch.

“Oh joy! Look at all the birds! And that sky… my goodness. It IS a lovely day. "

Taking deep breaths, the phone goes on the table and my feet up on the porch rail. I smile while watching the little nuthatches help each other at the feeder. I snicker at the antics of the dissident blue jay as he makes himself a general nuisance to the neighbors’ cat. As I take another sip of coffee I can feel that all is right with the world.

“Oh those undertones are lovely. Jussssst rich enough without being overpowering. Shakiso - Natural process, was it? Celeste was right about this one. It’s quite heavenly, isn’t it? Like a little taste of Ethiopia in your cup.”

“Probably a scam- 25 smackaroos for a single bag of coffee-? Ridiculous. How’d you let her talk you into that? I mean, yeh, it tastes good, but so does Cafe Bustelo, at a quarter of the cost……”

“‘Quality is not an act, it is a habit’ sayeth Aristotle! Let’s enjoy another cup, shall we?”

“Say Hildie, speaking of quality, aren’t you a little worried about the quality of your pee? …….and didn’t your tongue look off? ……… WebMD is riiiiiiight there! Just take a peek. I mean if you’re dying, it’d be good to know, wouldn’t it?”

“Confucius said “If we don’t know life, how can we know death?” Leave her alone. It was such a peaceful morning for a second there. Even you can admit that two cups of coffee are better than one, yes?”

“Ok OK… I’ll admit…It DOES have me feeling nicely revved. I’m actually DYING to have another cup…….. ” “Get it….?” “Dying…?” Then, tapping a pretend microphone. “is this thing on…..?”

I leave my phone on the table and go to make another cup, grinning at my dumb joke.

{Winner- Gabriela}

* Round 3

11:45am

Notebook in hand - Deadline in mind. Porch time.

“You should write about me- everyone LOVES me…! "

“‘No sooner is a temple built to God, but the devil builds a chapel hard by.’ That’s what Herbert had to say about THAT. Just write what’s close to your heart dear.”

“‘The devil’s in the details’ -that’s what ‘they’ say about it…! And kour heart is ALL hung up in details kid. That’s why you’re stuck with me.”

Out of nowhere, I write “The devil went down to Georgia, he was lookin for a soul to steal” then scratch it out. Humming, I realize that a CharlieDanielsBand earworm has its horrible hold. Where in the devil did that come from?

“You’ll never write anything more catchy ……jessayin…”

UGH! Where is my muse!? My brain is swirling with churches and stealing and devils. Nothing writable.

“Just let it all come out and wash over you, dear”

‘Hmm. ….maybe a piece about the kleptonmaniac devil,’ I think outloud. ‘That could be funny. Sticky fingers taking souls of drunkards and pyros….. or something like that…?’ In moments I realize I’m doodling, humming that god-forsaken song, sidetracked with a story I heard once about this zoo with a only a dog in it…… ARGH! Where's my mind!? ….focus Hildie. Focus.

“You know your laptop would make this easier. You’re never going to succeed using a notebook and pen. You’re so dumb with that whole “minimizing screen time” thing. Take a look around. NO ONE uses paper and pen. EVERYONE is on their screen! You’re a freaking dinosaur. All the dozens of paper notebooks in your study and not ONE piece published. Not ONE contest won …”

“Now now, remember the second-place piece about your dad and the honorable mention about the clown. …and you’re working on the Lyft book slowly but steadily. THOSE are small victories. Don’t listen to Dev, dear.”

“OK. Yeh. Don’t listen to me. What do I know about losing? I’ll just be over here shining up your imaginary prizes while you write in your notebook about things no one will ever see …orrrrrr you could go get your laptop and join us here in this century, hmmm??”

Thinking to myself that my laptop would likely make the process a little quicker, I go back to my room to find it buried in bed covers. I head back to the porch with it, then settle down into my chair.

“Nowwwww we’re cooking with gas! Let’s get the best story ever written down! You’re on fire kid, wayyy better than those posers that constantly win the contest you’ve NEVER won! Just sit down and start putting down the words…show them how it’s done!

Sitting comfortably with my notebook resting on the side table, I open the laptop. The screen shows the solitaire game I fell asleep playing last night. I’d almost forgotten! I was crushing with solitaire last night.

OH! WHOA! Hold up! I almost forgot about that killer round of solitaire we were crushing last night. ….Let’s…. Hey! WAIT! What are you doing??”

I close the game feeling a tiny victory over myself and open the Reedsy editor program to the notes I’d typed there as I sampled the app.

“That’s my girl! As Benjamin Franklin once said, “Diligence is the mother of good luck.”

“Whatever. ….losers…….”

—23 seconds later

“……Soooooo Hildie, not to interrupt your genius, but I was just wondering -out of curiosity- what was our score last night anyway? I think I remember winning 14 consecutive games ! FOURTEEN! That’s an all time record. ….or was it fifteen? …..?”

Suddenly recalling that I had been on fire with Solitaire last night, I open back up the app- real quick, just to check on the winning streak from last night. What was that number? Whoa! Fifteen!

“OH wow! Fifteen? SICK! That’s the best ever. I beat we could beat the hell out of that score today!”

Hmmm. I wonder if I could make it 16 real quick? I’ve got that system down pat now…

“….now Hildie/Dev….. last night I stood by silently as we played and played and played, even though it was well past 2 a.m. AND I’d been outvoted at stopping the wine flow at two glasses. Now I enjoyed us figuring out the system together and restarting each hand until we won it. It seemed a good brain exercise to counter the frivolous use of the prior 6 hours. But now, I MUST put my foot down. We didn’t even brush our teeth, for heaven’s sake, even though we ate all the rest of the birthday chocolates WHILE IN BED! Now, there’s nothing wrong with that -per se- we ARE coming off Hildie’s birthday week - but that was then, and this is now ! Do you want to be writer or don’t you? “

“Come onnnnnn Gabby! Each game only takes like 5 minutes…. we don’t have 5 stinking minutes before working? It’s Sunday for crying out loud! ONE game!?”

I push out the desire to beat my score, knowing full well that if I play one game, I will be playing another game… until I realize it’s 3 in the morning and I’m falling asleep turning virtual cards over and eating chocolate, too lazy to even get up and brush my teeth. Today I will make up for last night’s wasted time.

“‘Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely.’ That’s Rodin my dear. And he would know! ”

I turn my phone to silent and take it in the kitchen. I refill my water bottle and head back out to the porch to think, and to write.

“Thatta girl! "

{Winner - Gabriela}

**************** Round 4

4:47pm

Around 5 oclock I start feeling hungry and eye-strained, but well accomplished with a solid 2500 words towards my daily goal of 3000. Even better, the words are flowing, the story feels relevant and it’s even funny. Heck, I might have a chance at winning the contest this week after all.

“Sure sure…same as every week….’mayyyybe I’ll win this week’ ….pathetic. Why do you even bother putting in allllll these hours with NO REWARD? It’s ridiculous, if you ask me. Meanwhile, I’m shriveling up of hunger over here. When do we grub? "

“I’m a bit peckish as well. Oh joy! We have all that salad stuff we bought yesterday! Let’s have one of our classic Great Big Everything Salads! The sooner we get to chopping, the sooner we eat! Shall we put on some music to celebrate almost 5 hours of solid dedicated work while we prepare our meal?”

“‘ Ha! ‘great big everything’ …except pizza and ice cream, ammirite? Are we gonna celebrate these 5 grueling hours of work like the Rock Stars we are, or are we gonna let Gabby starve us to death with greens?”

“Now come on, salad is NOT starving to death. It’s nutritious and both of you must admit that you enjoy it once we’ve put in the work to create it. Now, we’ll just get out the cutting board and …..”

“SELLL A BRATE SELL A BRATE SELL A BRATE!”

“Salad will feel like a better choice tomorr……..”

“PEET ZAH! PEET ZAH! PEET ZAH!”

“Daggone it DEV…. you’re a child. Completely and utterly impossible. I can see right now, you’re going to win this one or I’ll never hear the end of it.….”

I go to the kitchen and get out the cutting board to begin chopping up all the veggies I’d bought to make my go-to Hildie’s Great Big Everything Salad. I try my best to trick myself into all the benefits of having that salad, but somehow my mind is stuck on that pizza down at Vino’s with the pepperoni (“PEPPERRR OWNNEEE! PEPPERRR OWNNEEEE!”) and the super crispy bacon (“BAYYYYYYYYCUNNNNNNNNN!”) with the smoked provolone and grilled onions with that crazy hot honey and spicy sprinkle on top (PEEEEEEET ZAH PEETZAH!). Sinful! (SINFULLLLL!)

I make a vow to have the salad tomorrow, get my bag and my keys and head out the door for a dinner date with that heavenly pizza.

{Round 4 - Neck and neck at the beginning but Dev grabs the victory}

**************** Round 5

6:18pm

When I pull out of the driveway, I realize it’s warm enough to take the top down, but cool enough to not get sunburned. It’s not difficult to take down, but it DOES require stopping the Jeep and getting out, which I feel a little lazy about doing.

“Fresh air is overrated. And besides we’ll be there before you know it. Just crank open the windows. We’ll be fine. Remember last week it was hot as Hades and we had to stop again to close it all up? What a chore!”

“But THAT was last week. And THAT was midday. I believe it would be lovely to have the air and see the blue sky overhead as it changes hue at dusk. I vote we stop and open it up!”

“But it will muss all my hair; that wind blowing around everywhere……”

Just as I get to the edge of the neighborhood near the mail boxes I can’t resist. I stop and lower the top, then put on my baseball cap and crank the radio.

—‘…in today’s news….’

“STUPID! ‘FAKENEWS’ ! CHANGE IT”

“‘To a philosopher all news, as it is called, is gossip, and they who edit and read it are old women over their tea.’ Anything else, please!”

Before the announcer can finish the sentence, I hit the scan button. News to me is like fingernails on a blackboard. Pure hell.

Stations play random snippets and I let them scroll through automatically until….. “…….Nine LIVEz …cat’s EYEz….!”

YESSSS! I crank it up a little bit more.

“F**K YEH! "

“oh I do enjoy this one, what memories it brings back!”

I hit every note like the karaoke boss I am, and even find my right arm wanting to do a little air guitar as I make my way to Vino’s. A few high octane songs later, I pull into the parking lot, ravished and ready to do some damage.

{Round 5 - Team Hildegard for the win}

**************** Round 6

6:38 pm

“I could eat a horse! SOOOOO hungry! We are going to CRUSH this pizza! I’m so excited I can hardly wait!”

“Now remember last time and mind your manners, you beast. I was almost embarrassed to be seen with you two. You’re an awful influence on Hildie.”

The waitress comes to the table with the menu, but I tell her I already know exactly what I want. I recite the sacred list of ingredients and order a water too. Hard to believe that salad was considered tonight. What am I, a rabbit? I laugh to myself and sip the water, already contemplating the dessert menu.

The waitress brings the pizza. She asks if I need anything else. I mischievously give her the standard, “Maybe a curtain because this is gonna get ugly! I’m so hungry!” She laughs, but I’m only halfway joking.

7:17 pm

“Well that was embarrassing, as usual”

“You are my hero, Hildie! THAT was ugly…AND amazing! ….and dessert too!!? Just, wow. I told you you could do it!”

“Not a crumb left, child. I’m shaking my head at the whole thing. I should have waited in the Jeep. What a spectacle.”

“A spectacle is right! That was totally rock and roll. "

{Round 6 - Dev KO}

* Round 7

8:25

Back home a little after 8 and I.am.stuffed. Probably should have gotten a box for the last few pieces if it weren’t for the voice in my head chanting me on “Finish It Off!”.

As a kid, Grandpa would say “That girl’s got a hollow leg”. I could outeat anyone and never gain weight. Now my hollow legs are topped with dimples and stretch marks. And eating pizza til I pop fills them with more of each. Not to mention the top of my mouth is burned. That’ll take a few days to heal. Go team!

I don’t know what possesses me, but somewhere deep inside … in a place that doesn’t make sense, I still feel like a Champion of sorts when I polish off enough food for three.

As I walk up the steps and unlock the door, this champ is torn between being proud and being ashamed.

“That meal could have fed a family! I’m so proud of you! I’ve never seen anything equal”

“‘If a man is not rising upward to be an angel, depend on it, he is sinking downward to be a devil.’ Tomorrow is a new day, for heaven’s sake. Let us hope for a more fair fight”

I brush my teeth and crash. This champion is spent. The clock says 9:27.

There’s this little saying I know from somewhere: ‘If a man isn’t rising up to be an angel, he’s falling downward towards being a devil.’ That seems about right. I’m really good in most ways, but I get a little kick outta being bad too. I guess I’m caught somewhere in that sweet little spot between angels and devils. A divine human being, being human.

Tomorrow I’ll write that story. I’ll eat that salad. I’ll rise again towards the angels and try to NOT fall for the devils.

As I fade off, the ear worm accompanies me towards the winners circle.

‘‘‘…cuz I told you once, you son of a gun, I’m the best that’s ever been.”