First

Sam Harris remembered when she had first talked to YuMi Jeong. They both were the awkward looking ones, Sam with her bluntly cut shoulder length hair, her hazel eyes hidden behind thick glasses, and her lanky limbs that felt too long  for a 15 year old, while YuMi’s long black hair was constantly tied into a signature ballet bun. Sam recalled how YuMi’s mother had been over the moon when she had gotten her growth spurt, explaining how now she could start ballet at any time, something that YuMi had always been hesitant about. 

They were the ‘weird kids’ in school, so they kind of stuck together. They both liked comics and video games, as well as other fringe interests. Sometimes they would just spend the days arguing over which characters from different franchises would win in a fight, or would spend all day at the bookstore, hoping they wouldn’t get in trouble for sitting in the aisles. They followed each other on Tumblr, and when Discord became popular enough, they connected there. Their conversations would always flow perfectly, even when they would see each other the next day. It wasn’t a stretch to say they were best friends.

They reached their first bump quickly though. YuMi had said, as she held back tears, that her parents had decided to finally move back to South Korea. Her father’s family had been adamant for years for them to move back, but the final push was when her grandmother started getting sick. She didn’t want to move back, but there really wasn’t a choice. Sam remembered moving closer to her as she sniffled, silently devastated at their turn of fate.

The two soon realized, however, that the move had only made their conversations a little more staggered. The time difference sucked, and video calling could be weird, but everything else was normal. They’d talk about everything and nothing. It just felt right.

Out of the blue, though, Sam received a message from YuMi detailing her plan to become an idol. She could just imagine YuMi mapping everything out in an 8 x 5 notebook covered in conflicting stickers of Junji Ito and Marvel. She could see YuMi’s eyes full of determination and confidence, and Sam realized she had never seen her friend like this before.

If Sam were being completely honest, she had no idea what K-pop even was. But she knew that YuMi had a knack for entertaining. She was pretty good at singing, and picked up dance steps after watching a video two or three times, which was probably why her mom wanted her in ballet. Her main issue was that stage fright that she would get, but she figured she’d work through it. So she cheered her on, telling YuMi to go for her dreams. And she vowed right there that she would be her biggest fan, and try to learn as much about K-pop as she could so she could understand her friend better.

As time went on though, it was rough to hear about everything YuMi was going through. There was a lot of rejection from every audition she went through. She tried to explain the whole process, how she would have to go through rounds of auditions. How sometimes she would be able to make it past the first round where they assessed her talent, but would fail a camera test. Other times, she would be dismissed immediately, either because she didn’t speak Korean quite right, or she didn’t have the right look. They would sometimes do video calls, and Sam could see the red puffy bags under her eyes, with her nose being comparable to Rudolf. She wished she could hug her through the screen, but she resisted the urge to tell her to stop. 

Sam learned a lot about the K-pop industry from YuMi, though. That there were certain talent agencies that EVERYONE wanted to go to, and how groups usually had themes associated. And how each group had roles assigned to them depending on their strengths. Sam even took it upon herself to learn more and more about kpop to understand, with her getting hooked on different groups and bands.

But she knew her favorite would always be YuMi. Especially with seeing first hand how hard she was working. She knew it would only be a matter of time until she found a company that would accept her talents.

It finally happened about eight months after YuMi started her journey. Sam remembered excitedly getting the video call. An up and coming company had taken a gamble on YuMi, and what had really helped her stand out was that she could understand English so well. The two of them were over the moon excited for the new turn of luck. But that excitement was quickly brought down when YuMi explained that they wouldn’t be able to talk for a while.  

A pit grew in Sam’s stomach as she listened to YuMi explain how everything would go. It felt a little unfair that she wouldn’t be able to talk to a person she considered one of her closest friends, but she knew it was inevitable. With all the training that would go on, in addition to finishing up high school, there would be very little time for them to have the conversations they had both become accustomed to. 

This was for her dream though. And she had a duty to be there for her, no matter the cost. So Sam cheerfully agreed, not wanting to put any more stress on her friend. And that was the last full conversation they really had.

The next couple of years passed with increasingly fewer updates from YuMi. And Sam couldn’t help but feel lonely. Sometimes she’d get a message or two around holidays, with small updates. YuMi would say that she was finally put into a group of girls she had tested well with. That she was also testing with guys to make a coed group which would be a big deal. She also had quick moments of vulnerability where she worried that she would never debut. But Sam was always there to cheer her up. Even though she was on the other side of the world, Sam knew she was one of the only ones who could do that for YuMi.

Maybe the only one.

Finally, Sam got the message she had been anticipating. YuMi excitedly called her, telling her that she would be debuting in a six member coed group. Their name was going to be STARLIGHT, and she was to be the main female dancer. Sam could barely contain her excitement for her friend. She eagerly looked over their promotional material she was sent, surprised by how beautiful everyone looked. Of course, YuMi looked completely different. Her jet black hair was now layered and curled, falling around her shoulders gently, and she had a huge smile on her face. She was wearing incredibly striking makeup, from her bright lipstick to the colored contacts and bejeweled eyeliner. She was dressed in black shorts, a white halter top and platform boots, and had her arms wrapped around an incredibly attractive man, while another woman was leaning on her back to back in the photo.

And even if they were all some of the most gorgeous people she had ever seen, Sam couldn’t focus on anyone except for YuMi. There was something that just looked specifically like YuMi. Of course, her image had changed, but she was still YuMi. And she couldn’t help but feel overjoyed for the new phase in her life.

But there was something else that was starting to overtake her. It was an unpleasant feeling, right in the pit of her stomach. Why was she so close to that guy…? And why did she look so happy when her best friend couldn’t be there to help her celebrate? It wasn’t really fair. Before she had realized it, two hours had passed with her examining the promotional pictures. YuMi had long stopped messaging her, but she couldn’t look away. She wanted to soak up every little detail of the group. 

STARLIGHT debuted and was an instant hit. There was something about the dynamic that audiences found genuine, and Sam was no exception. She made sure to buy any merchandise their company produced, from lightsticks to collaboration products.  Of course she would. She was supporting her best friend and it was something she was more than happy to do. 

Even though they hadn't really talked in almost a year, Sam knew she and YuMi were still best friends. She would send messages on Discord, and while she wouldn’t get responses, she knew she was reading them in some way. But it had been strange, especially when she had been so supportive of the group, specifically YuMi. With STARLIGHT becoming so popular so quickly, she really wanted to hear directly from YuMi how things were going. But with the continuous silence from the other side, it was more than a little disheartening. 

As Sam continued to watch each comeback for the group, she thought of ways that she could reach out to YuMi. It was pretty lonely not being able to get a response and if she were being honest, it was really hurtful. She had gotten some information from an online forum, which touted a guaranteed delivery on any gifts sent to idols, with each idol listed having a different address. Maybe she could send YuMi a gift; something she knew she'd like. She did know her favorite superhero, so maybe she could send a plush toy with a handwritten note! That would be something nice. And there was no reason to sign it. She knew her handwriting, and because it would be an inside joke, she would know exactly who it came from.

After that first gift, months had passed without so much as a thank you from YuMi. Sam had tried to send calls through Discord, and had even managed to get her actual phone number. Not that she ever got a real answer. She would call and leave messages, but would never get a response, which at that point was just rude. But also, YuMi was probably incredibly busy. She had watched every variety show YuMi had been on, and watched every video their YouTube channel had released. It seemed like she was incredibly busy, so she couldn’t hold it against her too much.

She woke up KST every time they had a comeback, and followed every rumor that was released on their group. She even knew every romantic partnership she had been connected to, and knew every friend the media reported about. She made sure to make multiple accounts for different performance shows like Inkigayo and M! Countdown. It almost felt like a second full time job supporting YuMi, but it was all worth it. Seeing her live her dream… In a way, it helped Sam feel like she was living her own dream. 

Any money Sam made immediately went into supporting STARLIGHT, but more specifically, it went to supporting YuMi. And after a shift at work, her nose went directly to her phone as she looked up any new information about YuMi. It became a sort of ritual every day, and in a way it kept her calm. Seeing that YuMi was doing well helped her get through her day. 

Another year passed, and Sam’s support for YuMi felt all-consuming. For most of the day, she was wondering how life for YuMi was. She wished that she could be there to support her in person. They could have even been roommates, living up their lives. Sam knew for sure they’d both be happier if they were finally together. And it wouldn’t feel like Sam was doing all the heavy lifting for their relationship. Instead of trying to catch each other through unconnected Discord messages and missed calls, they could have an actual conversation with each other. It would be fulfilling…

The way Sam’s life was going, cheering on YuMi was really the only thing she had going for her. She was in hot water at her job because she would leave her desk anytime news broke about STARLIGHT, or she would be irritable because of a lack of sleep from getting up early or staying up late. Because she was spending so much on STARLIGHT merchandise, her savings account was in disarray. And she still really hadn’t made any strong connections. She was able to talk to people online about the group, but it never felt like a lasting relationship. It was mainly contained to forums and the odd direct message.

So, when Sam learned of the fact that STARLIGHT was officially having a world tour, it felt like she had caught a break. Finally, she could meet with YuMi, and they could restart their relationship. Everything would be easy again. 

Her life could get back on track with her best friend.

Sam waited in the VIP line, patiently hoping to catch at least a glimpse of YuMi. She had made sure to get her hair and make up professionally done, and had even gone shopping for a new outfit to meet with YuMi for the first time in years. This was going to be her moment, and it didn’t hurt that she had been pumped up from their concert not too long before. She had it planned from beginning to end in her head, and while there was always wiggle room for these situations, she knew it would be a positive interaction. 

There was something in the way that YuMi looked at Sam that confused her. There was definitely a look of recognition, but… something seemed incredibly off. Those eyes that Sam remembered from all those years prior had a very palpable feeling of fear that decorated them. Like, she didn’t want to see her. She watched as YuMi whispered something to one of her group mates, who YuMi recognized from the promotional pictures YuMi first sent, before giving a careful smile and a small wave. Out of the corner of her eye, she watched the man YuMi talked to talk to another individual, but it didn’t mean anything to her. As she tried to make a beeline towards YuMi, she was cut off by a polite-looking woman who seemed to work for the venue. In a hushed tone, she explained that YuMi wanted to talk to her privately, and how she would escort her to another room to wait. Without too much thought, Sam nodded and followed the woman before giving a parting glance to YuMi.

As Sam waited in an adjacent room, her mind raced with excitement as her stomach flipped with anxiety. She knew that it was a countdown until she finally saw YuMi’s face again. As she imagined every way the upcoming encounter could go. But finally, she could stop imagining. She heard the door open, and she felt herself sit up straighter. As she looked up, the first to come through the door looked like the group’s manager. After that, it looked like it was the group member she talked to earlier. Under his platinum blond hair, his eyes were vacant as he glanced at her. His hands stayed stuffed in his pocket, and as he looked at her, it almost felt as though he were glaring at her. Which was rude.

But it didn’t matter.

Because the next person who walked through the door was YuMi. She came in very carefully, slowly looking around the room until their eyes met. And like before, Sam noticed that YuMi’s eyes held some kind of distance. She kept a smile on her face that didn’t reach her eyes, and made sure to stand right next to her groupmate. Sam would be lying if she said she wasn’t confused, but maybe it was best for YuMi to start.

“Hi, Sam…” YuMi started. Her voice sounded deeper than she remembered. It must have been through all of the singing. But Sam still recognized that voice. She watched as YuMi played with her long auburn hair nervously, as her eyes shifted from Sam’s face to other things in the room, anxiously trying to find the next words to say.

Sam opened her mouth to say something - anything - but the words got stopped, tangling themselves in her teeth as she tried to spit them out. All she could do was smile excitedly as YuMi continued.

“Sam, I called you aside because… I wanted to ask you to stop.”

“Wha-?”

“Stop everything. Please.” She could hear a quiver in her voice, which confused her even more. What was she supposed to stop? Had she done something to upset her? All she did was support her best friend! That was normal.

“I don’t understand…” Sam squeaked out. Her voice was unfamiliar to herself. It was shaky and high pitched, and foreign. 

“I… got all of your messages. And I got all your… ‘gifts’... And I don’t want them anymore…”

“What do you mean…? I’m just supporting you. You’re my best friend!”

“I’m not.” YuMi said quietly, yet firmly. “We don’t know each other anymore. We’re not friends. This is the longest we’ve talked to each other since before I started my auditions. Everything you’ve been doing recently has been scary and I don’t like it. This is goodbye. So please stop.”

Sam couldn’t find the words to respond. Her eyes stared at the floor, and distantly heard the door open and shut. And it was at that moment that she replayed everything that had happened, leading up to that moment. She had spent so many years sending her love, but had it really been that one sided? Did she really have to stop? She was her first fan and had been with her in spirit the whole time but…

Was she really alone?