I Never Told Him I Loved Him

“How’s your day been?” Michael asked. 

“Fine,” I replied casually, trying to hide my blushing. “Thanks for being there with me earlier.” I referred to his comforting arm around me at church as I sobbed from the lack of joy I felt from religion. 

He offered a reassuring smile. We climbed up the stairs to Macy’s apartment and he knocked on the door. No answer. He turned the knob and walked in. 

“Macy?” he asked the seemingly empty apartment. He was about to shut the door to call her when she appeared from her room with a beaming smile. 

“Come on in,” she said. 

We both entered and kicked off our shoes by the door. All three of us sat on the couch together, Michael sitting in between Macy and I. I picked up the blanket and drew it over my lap. Michael grabbed the other end and laid it on his own lap, giving me an excuse to scoot closer to him. I rested my head on his arm. 

I can’t quite remember what we talked about. I just remember laughing and enjoying physical touch from Michael. 

Michael’s phone buzzing in between us stopped the conversation briefly. He reached into his pocket and I could feel his hand against my thigh. I scooted away so he could grab his phone. 

Niccolina. I internally groaned. 

“Hey,” Michael answered. 

“What are you doing?” she asked piningly. 

“I’m here with Matthew,” he said. “And Macy. We’re at her apartment.” 

“Oh, I’ll be over soon,” she said. 

“Okay,” Michael hung up. I didn’t want her to come in and ruin the mood. I adjusted myself to rest my head on his shoulder. I wanted to receive all the affection I could from him before she arrived. Every time he spoke to me or told a joke he would look down at me with his beaming eyes; I felt a warmth spread through my body. 

He absentmindedly started looking up stuff on his phone. He opened up his Spotify app. 

“Have you heard this song?” he pointed to the song that had been on his queue when he was last using Spotify.

SAD! XXXTENTACION. 

I shook my head. 

“Don’t listen to it,” he warned. “It’s bad. Well, XXXTENTACION is bad in general.” He said “tentacion” like the English word temptation, replacing the mp sound with an n sound. I had heard the name of the artist before. 

“Yeah,” I agreed. “I just know a couple of songs by XXXTENTACION…” I pronounced it with a more Spanish inflection so the last syllable was with an s sound instead of the sh sound. “...and I know they’re not good.” 

“Thanks, Matthew,” Michael said, chuckling slightly. He repeated back my pronunciation. As Michael cleared the song from his playlist, I noticed he had a mix with Vance Joy. It made me smile to know he was still listening to our shared favorite artist. 

A knock at the door interrupted us. 

“Come in,” Macy invited. It was Niccolina. 

I casually put my feet up so she couldn’t sit next to me. She went over and sat on the other side of Macy.

Michael and I went to sit on the other couch together. Conversation started again and I scooted closer to him. 

“Oh my gosh!” Macy suddenly shouted. “I have more Christmas lights to put up!” She sprung up from the couch and glided into her room. She came back out producing a string of lights with the big bulbs. Her face was beaming. 

Niccolina, now alone on the couch, called out, “Michael, come cuddle with me.” 

I didn’t want that. I wanted Michael with me. I hoped Macy’s excited squeals, Michael’s infectious laugh, and the loud Christmas tunes drowned out the request. I leaned up against Michael and put my head on his shoulder. He sat back further into the couch and snuggled up to me. I could feel the warmth of his body as he fit comfortably against me. 

I glanced over and could see Niccolina’s miffed response. 

“I’m going to take a nap,” she announced to no one in particular. Macy continued her stringing up of the lights. She stood back from the wall and contemplated it like an artist might contemplate her canvas. She grabbed a chair from the kitchen and a couple tacks. Michael and I watched in wonder. 

I felt so comfortable and even though I still had lingering, nagging thoughts in the back of my mind, I tried to let myself feel happy. I tried to bask in the Christmas lights, and the warm blanket, and the music. It brought some sort of peace - a distant memory of Christmas all together, when dad was there. 

“How does this look?” Macy asked. She stepped back to show how she had strung the multi-colored strand around the entryway that led into the kitchen. 

“I think it looks good,” I judged. 

“I’m not sure about this part,” she gestured to the side where the strand connected to the outlet in the wall. Because of the twisty move, the light strand moved away from the wall asymmetrically compared to the other side. 

Michael got up to help her. “I think if you just do this.” He adjusted the lights and used a tack to hold it in place. Now, it seemed more symmetrical. 

Macy nodded her head in agreement. She clapped her hands together energetically. 

Michael began wandering around a bit. I worried he would sit next to Niccolina on the couch and forget about me. As he neared her on the couch, she reached her hands out in an inviting gesture. At that same moment, Macy spoke:

“I’m hungry. Who wants dinner?” 

Michael turned to Macy with a gleam in his eyes. He was always down for food and I found it endearing. “Yeah!” he said excitedly. He walked away from the other couch and sat next to me. Niccolina turned over. 

“I’m never hungry,” I admitted. “But I’d be willing to eat anything you make, Macy.” 

“I’ll make macaroni,” she said as she twirled into the kitchen. I loved macaroni and cheese. It was my absolute favorite food. Macy stopped suddenly. She spun around again and grabbed the speaker still playing holiday music. 

“I’m taking this with me,” and she danced into the kitchen. I laughed. 

Michael leaned onto my chest and rested his head under my chin. I put my arm around him and let my hand rest on his arm. I felt his warmth again and his gentle heartbeat against mine. I loved his scent that wafted to my nose. It came from his deodorant which worked in eliminating scent but whenever he lifted his arm, I could see small sweat marks. I always resisted the urge to poke him in the armpits to make him giggle. I loved feeling lost in the moment. 

“Going on my first impression…” Michael began singing quietly. It was a Vance Joy song - First Time. “I recall you wearing white,” he continued. 

I joined him for the next line. 

“There was something sweet in the air, babe, that summer night.” 

We sang together a little louder. 

“There will always be another time for us to fall in love, but it never cuts you quite as deep as the first time.” 

I let Michael take the harmonizing ooh. 

“You’ll find out that the deepest cut is the first time.” I sang the ooh with Michael this time. 

“The first time always cuts the deepest.” 

We laughed at the shared moment. 

“That’s a really good song,” I remarked. 

“Yeah,” he agreed. “Even if it is about his first time having… you know… when he loses his virginity.” 

I laughed nervously. “Sure,” I said. “I like to think, though, that he’s singing about the first time he fell in love.” 

Michael paused. I could tell his mind was reviewing the lyrics. His brow furrowed the way it did when he was recalling something. He ummed with uncertainty. 

“I mean…” he said hesitantly, probably conjuring up his own meaning to the song. “But I like that interpretation. I’m going with it.” He shook his head decisively and his curls brushed my face. 

“I really like Vance Joy and how his music doesn’t usually rhyme,” I noted. 

Michael paused another moment. “Yeah, I think that’s why I like him, too. His lyrics are just so fun and poetic in their own way. Like your poems,” he added. 

I blushed. I was glad Michael really liked my poems. 

“Does anybody want some ‘nog?” Macy called from the other room. 

“I’ll take some,” Michael said without hesitation. 

I declined. The first time I tried eggnog was in New England - it’s big over there. I liked the taste but it was just so rich that I wasn’t sure I should try it on my lactose intolerant stomach without my lactase pills. 

Michael stood up to go to the kitchen with Macy. I heard Macy chastise him, telling him to go sit down and she would bring it to him. 

He came back into the room and sat on my other side. Macy came in with a small cup of the beverage topped with lots of whipped cream and a bendy straw sticking out of the concoction. She placed it ceremoniously in front of Michael and he grabbed the straw with his lips. He sipped a little and sat back with a grin on his face. Macy giggled as she went back to the kitchen. 

Michael leaned forward practically shoving his face into the cup. He began slurping up the whipped cream with exaggerated sounds. Seeing him lap up the cream made me laugh. It reminded me of watching a cute dog eat something. His curls fell around his face like fluffy ears. 

“You look like a puppy doing that,” I told him. 

He turned to me and made a puppy dog begging face. I laughed again. He guided the straw into his mouth with his tongue and downed the rest of the drink. Then, he laid his head down on the arm rest and placed his feet across my lap. I rested my hand on his calf. He looked about ready for a nap. I put my head back and felt his even breathing. 

Meanwhile, Niccolina woke up from her nap even though I didn’t think she actually slept. She came over and sat on the couch right in front of Michael’s face. He pulled his head back with a look of annoyance. 

“Why’d you sit there?” he asked. 

“I felt alone over there and I wanted to come cuddle,” she responded. She began playing with a hole in Michael’s pants and pressing her finger on it rather roughly. 

“Why are you doing that?” he asked of her again.

“I saw you had a hole in your pants,” she said. I could tell Michael didn’t like it. I didn’t like it. Michael got up and went to lay down on the ground. I missed his warmth but I liked that he moved away from Niccolina. He placed a pillow under his head and turned his face away from us. 

I leaned over against my own side of the couch and placed a pillow barrier between Niccolina and I. I could tell Niccolina was jealous and snapped something at Michael about coming over to help her with her Christmas lights. 

“Sure,” he mumbled. 

“What?” she asked. I obviously heard his answer so she was simply being annoying. 

Michael didn’t answer. 

“He said sure,” I answered for him. 

“Did he?” Niccolina questioned. 

“Sure,” Michael repeated. Tension filled the room. I tried to pretend to take a nap. 

From my position, Niccolina was blocked by the pillow but I could see the back of Michael’s head as he lay just a foot away from me on the ground. I wanted so badly to lay next to him and comfort him, to run my hand through his soft curls and tell him how much I appreciated him. I wanted to kiss him softly to help him feel better. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him for saving my life. 

I had spent the last nine hours with Michael nearly uninterrupted. Those nine hours with him meant nine hours I wasn’t alone with myself, struggling for my life. I knew that my dark thoughts would try to consume me and so had texted Michael before the weekend began: 

Here’s the situation: I won’t be getting my meds until at least Monday so need all of you guys [mostly Michael] to try and be with me so I don’t try and hurt myself. Just please don’t leave me alone for too long. 

I knew that I wouldn’t be instantly cured once I received medication but I would receive hope. I just needed to make it to Monday. 

Michael finally texted me back. I was hopeful to check his message. Sounds good, just tell me when. I was taken aback. I had clearly explained how I needed as much time with him as possible. He was usually so good at listening and yet here he was making me take another step to receive his help. I tried to text him back but my phone wouldn’t type. When I tried to call, the other end immediately hung up. Everything faded to blackness as I felt my last bit of hope ripped from my being. 

I awoke in a panic and was breathing heavily. Tears started streaming down my face as I yelled at myself, “Go to sleep!” Eternity ticked by and sleep was far from my mind. I dragged myself to the floor, thrashing around as I tried to find a comfortable sleeping position. My alarm sounded several hours later with me still in a struggle for sleep. 

Macy calling from the kitchen broke me from my thoughts. Michael stirred on the floor and slowly stood up from the ground. We all gathered in the kitchen as Macy asked Michael to offer a blessing on the food. 

The macaroni smelled delicious and I grabbed a large helping. I wasn’t ever hungry so knew I needed to load up now since I was feeling such a desire to eat. 

I scarfed down my food even before Michael which surprised me. He was sitting on the other couch with Niccolina now but there was a noticeable space between them. Macy sat next to me on my couch. 

Macy looked at Michael as he held out his empty plate. “You can get more,” she urged him. He and I both stood up and went to the kitchen for seconds. 

We ate mostly in silence. Something was off about the room. I went back again for thirds while Michael was content with his second helping. Granted, he did serve a large portion. We sat for a while feeling full. Michael got up from the couch and walked near the door. I remembered him mentioning he had something at 6. He snagged his wallet from the table while he slipped into his shoes. I noticed he had left his keys on the table just as he was opening the door. 

“Are those your keys?” I called after him.

“Yeah, thanks,” he grabbed them then left out the door without another word. 

Macy stared at the door for a couple seconds after him. “That man,” she finally said amazed. 

What a man, I thought. The room was silent once more. I checked my phone and realized I had missed a call from my mom. I knew I should return the call. Plus, I didn’t really want to be here if he wasn’t with me. 

“Hey, I need to call my mom,” I said. 

“Do you have an appointment with her?” Macy snickered. 

“No,” I returned with a smile. “I missed a call from her earlier so I better return it before something happens.”

“Gotcha,” Macy understood. “See you later, Matthew.” 

I gave a wave to her and Niccolina before I walked back to my apartment. 

It was a nice call with my mom. She was checking up on me which was really sweet.

I decided to send Michael a text. I don’t know if he realized how much of a help he had been. 

Michael, thank you so so much for helping me out today. You saved my life. I meant it. Now, I just need to make it to tomorrow’s appt. Thank you! Love you! I definitely meant that, but it wasn’t a true confession. I wanted simply to tell him but was unsure if he felt the same for me.

I pushed send and waited to feel tired enough to go to bed. Admittedly, it was an unrealistic expectation after the last couple of nights but I decided to try. 

Michael didn’t end up responding to my text that night but I didn’t really care. I had a full day with him and his presence was reassuring. There was a reason to get up every day and it was Michael. He was my everything and sometimes that led to some upsets. I suppose Michael did need his own support and my leaning on him was sure to trigger that need. 

But he always came back for me. He lifted me up and loved me. I could see his love in those warm, brown eyes and feel his warmth in those strong arms. I always felt so comfortable in his presence. It was because I loved him back more than he could or would ever know.