Kirzin's Revenge

Everything was ready for the ritual. Kirzin had gathered all the ingredients: some toe of frog, some lizards’ legs, an apple, some salt, and a small chunk of rainbow obsidian. He had raised an eyebrow at the last ingredient, but hey. He had learned by now that certain demons had certain wants and that it wasn’t always the best idea to question them. Especially not when it came to the likes of what he was about to summon.

“Sor’Lazn, Creator of Chaos,” the half-disintegrated (but fully ominous) page read. “Do not summon under any circumstances.” 

Well, these weren’t any circumstances. They were Kirzin’s circumstances.

All he had ever wanted was a little respect. His parents had always ignored him in favour of business meetings, never bothering to attend anything important to him. Their solution was to throw babysitters at him, and, as he got older, money. He had never been able to connect with his peers, he was too smart for them, confusing them with big, advanced words like “nepotism” and driving them away when he tried to explain. He turned to interests of his own, eventually stumbling on modern witchcraft. At first, he dismissed it as dumb girly magic tricks, but it eventually drew him in: the idea that he had the power to control things. As he got older, however, he found a new interest: girls. But no matter how many designer outfits he bought, he never caught their attention, either; they were always too busy with their jock boyfriends.

But Shanna. He knew Shanna would be different. He had been stealing glances at her all week. Because he had it all planned out to the last detail. He showed up to school wearing head-to-toe Gucci. He put on enough cologne that she couldn’t miss it. He borrowed his dad’s Tesla, and he would catch her in the parking lot after school so she could see it. There was absolutely no way she could reject him.

Except… she did. And Kirzin had had enough.

He fell back into his old interest in magic. But it wasn’t the benign Wicca that every single witchy blog warned him not to stray from. And he knew that if you had the right money and looked in the right places, you could have whatever you wanted.

And he had the right money, and he knew the right places. So he now found himself with a half-rotted, reddish-black book. When he flipped through it for the first time, he discovered all manner of horrifying spells and rituals that would cause anything and everything from diseases to loss of one’s eyes (not just sight, but their actual eyeballs). He flipped through for several hours, pondering what would be most torturous for Shanna before finally landing on the chaos summoning spell, realizing that it wasn’t just Shanna who had wronged him in his life and that it would be a lot more efficient to just cause some generalized hell-raising. Besides, this Sor’Lazn guy sounded like he knew what he was doing. He could probably take a lot of the guesswork out of it for Kirzin.

Yes, together they could run this shitty town, Kirzin ruling as the brains while the demon did the dirty work.

He snapped back to the present. It was time. He drew a triangle around the ingredients with a chunk of chalk, picked up the book, and started reciting the Latin incantation:

“Expergiscere, Sor'Lazn

Deus Khaos et Perditio

Pulchra equus

Quod exitium omnium nostrum feret

Nunc tibi servio.”

Sure enough, as he continued the chant, the triangle of chalk started to glow, ingredients humming within. Both of the strange phenomena slowly grew more intense, coming to a head after the third repetition of the incantation. With a screeching hiss, the glow flashed into nothing as though it were a candle that had been blown out, and the ingredients vanished in much the same abrupt manner. A flash of complete darkness, like some kind of black lightning, immediately followed. Kirzin was filled with a sickening dread that disappeared as soon as it arrived; the feeling was gone so fast he wondered if he had really experienced it at all. Deciding the ritual had just startled him into thinking he felt sick, he opened his eyes and looked around, seeing nothing, when a high-pitched, irritating voice caught his attention. “Hey, dumbass! Down here.” He looked down, thinking he had somehow screwed up the spell.

Because what stood in front of him was a three feet tall, bubblegum pink unicorn, complete with a beautiful rainbow mane and tail.

“What the hell are you?” Kirzin gaped, reaching for the old book to find out what he had done wrong.

“What a way to speak to the great Sor’Lazn,” It sniffed indignantly. “And you can close your mouth now. You’ve made a great first impression. Really.”

Kirzin continued to stare but closed his mouth. “So… you are the Chaos Demon?”

Sor’Lazn laughed, a noise that sounded like the middle point between a horse whinny and nails on a chalkboard. “Demon? You’re dealing with the God of Chaos and Destruction. And considering all that, you’re being very disrespectful.”

Now Kirzin was excited. He hadn’t just summoned a demon, he had summoned an honest-to-god… well, god. This meant that he was even more powerful than he thought. This would be the ultimate revenge. He decided not to waste any more time. “Okay, Sor. Can I call you that?” The unicorn raised an eyebrow, but Kirzin continued. “Listen, I need your help. I’ve got some people who have been disrespecting me. Do you think you could help me… teach them a lesson?”

“Of course, revenge is the best!”

Kirzin showed It some pictures of Shanna and his parents while also making it clear that terrorizing the rest of the school and town was not only allowed, but encouraged.

“Ah, so you’ve just got an issue with everyone, huh? I have just the thing! Man, it’s been a while since I’ve gotten to use this one.” Sor’Lazn squeezed Its eyes shut as glittery rainbow sparkles erupted from Its horn. Then, with a poof, the horn was replaced by… a chainsaw?

“What’s that for?” The first signs of panic tinged the edges of Kirzin’s voice. “You’re just supposed to scare them, maybe rough them up a little!”

There was a very disturbing twinkle in Sor’Lazn’s eye. “Kirzin. I am a GOD. How many times do I have to say it? When you summon a god, it means you’re fine with going all out. I’m not here to do some funny little Halloween party tricks.”

“Okay. Come on. That’s enough. Put that away.”

But it was already too late. “UNICORN CHAINSAW MASSACRE!” It squeaked gleefully before vanishing, leaving Kirzin with a similar sense of dread as when he summoned It.

“Hey. Hey! Come back! I mean it!” Once he accepted that It was no longer there, he got in the car and drove back to the school, expecting that was where It was headed. When he arrived, the grounds were uncharacteristically silent. He ran to the doors, though he already knew deep down there was nothing he could do. He tentatively creaked the door open.

Blood. So much blood it looked like the set of a cheesy ‘80s slasher film. No sign of life anywhere. But wait… there, at the end of the hallway. Movement. He raced for it, hoping that somehow, someone had made it. But as he got closer, he saw a glint of sparkly bubblegum pink. He continued forward anyway, although more slowly. He called out, “Sor’Lazn. It’s time to stop. This has gotten out of hand.”

It turned, raising Its head towards Kirzin, to reveal Itself munching on a bloody, disembodied hand like a Twinkie. Once It had finished, It giggled maniacally. “HAND! Out of HAND! Get it?”

“Jesus Christ. You’re sick.”

“Come on, isn’t this what you wanted? Look.” It flicked Its head in the direction of a dead body. When Kirzin came closer, it was Shanna. “Come on, give her a kick. You know you want to,” the tiny unicorn goaded.

He paused for a moment before realizing. “NO! No, I don’t! I told you to just scare them, maybe a little light psychological torture! I summoned you, and I’m saying that’s enough.”

“You are nothing but a foolish child.” Its eyes shone black as Its voice grew deeper. “Do you continue to forget, even when I tell you many times, that I am a god? You cannot control me. You released me, and that is all. I have no concern for your foolish mortal grievances. You play with things you do not understand out of pettiness, and now you suffer the consequences.” A large carnival mallet grew out of Its head, replacing the chainsaw.

“No! Come on, you can’t do this! Don’t you owe the person who freed you? I’m cool with the murdering, I promise! I can roll with this!”

The adorable horror advanced on him. “It is too late. I owe you nothing.” And with one bonk of the carnival mallet, nobody was standing between Sor’Lazn, Creator of Chaos, and the world.

---

Now, wasn’t that a fun story? I thought you humans would like to know how our new world came to be. That Kirzin. What a dumbass, right? It’s almost a shame he’s dead; I bet you all would love to have a piece of him right now. Actually, come to think of it, I might still have his corpse kicking around somewhere if one of you remembers to ask me tomorrow. Well, I hate to say it, but storytime is over. Back to the mines for all you mortals. Come on now, don’t make me break out the chainsaw...