Deja Vu

"Hi, everyone, um my name is Carter-Long. I am an alcoholic." "Hi, Carter", crowed the group surrounding me. "I was at a party, and I um, had an incident you could say. That morning I woke up reluctant, but more so had a bad feeling about the day. As the day went on the inferior feeling continued to grow, and I guess I should have stuck with my gut, and not have gone to that party I guess." The room when silent. Then I turned to the man next to me. He was a tall, broad-shouldered man. Mabey a swimmer. He had bright hair like the sun, a strawberry blonde color, a little lighter.  He began to introduce himself to the crowd, and tell his story just as I had. I closed my eyes and began to recall that night.  My friend Clarisa had invited me to the party, I knew I had a bad feeling that day, but agreed. I was rather fond of her. I remember arriving around 10, it was dark. There was a sense of stupidity in the flock, including myself. I was just 17 then, but I thought of myself as 30. I was always told a was "mature" for my age. I never knew what to think of it. But with this "maturity" came me believing that I could do anything I wanted. In today's society, it is normal for a 17-year-old to party and drink.  So when that boy offered me that awful beer, I accepted. Before I knew it I had drunk 10 shots and was drunk as a middle-aged man on his 7th beer who still believes he is young. I was in a trans, willing to do anything and everything to have a good time, so I did. Chris, a senior who used to go to Leigh Highton showed up. I always knew him as the bad kid who carried vodka in his water bottle. But like I said, I was looking for a good time. He came up with the idea that we should all go down to the club and pick up some broad. I was hesitant at first, but peer pressure was my best friend. Chris wanted to drive, but I knew better than to let that moron drive. In the future, I would know who the real moron is. I drove, Chris in the passenger seat, and his two friends in the back. I felt bad about leaving Clarrise there, but I knew she would forgive me. I knew I wouldn't be picking up any girls, and neither would any of the others in the car. We were driving down the street faster than the speed limit. But Chris insisted on going faster. We were driving 101 mph at that point when we went to take a sharp turn, the music blaring. I did not see the little chevy malibu compared to Chris's huge truck. We ramed into the little car so hard, Chris's friend, Matteo flew through the windshield. I remember the feeling of nothingness. I blacked out. When I woke up all I could hear was sirens, louder and louder till I began to see an ambulance emerging from the road ahead. When I finally realized what happened I started to have a panic attack. I first looked back to see if Chris's other friend was okay, as far as I could tell he wouldn't make it to the hospital. Then I looked at Chris. I could have started balling right then and there. He had been passed out, I was not sure if he was okay or not I then remember the other car, how could I have forgotten the other car. I tried to get out of the car to check on the driver, then I saw my legs. My legs, covered in blood, cut up. I couldn't move them. At that moment it hit me, what would I do. I began to think of my parents, how they would react. Chris, Matteo, Gavin, the other driver. What would their family's do? Clarrise, how would she react. She surely would never talk to me again. College, hospital bills, possible lawsuits, car damage. What would I do? The last thing I remember was waking up in the hospital, my mother by my bedside weeping. For one second, one glorious second I had forgotten about everything that had just occurred. That second was soon followed by the realization after my parents reminded me of my horrible actions. I looked at her in shock, they were dead, they were all dead. What had I done to them, and their family. I couldn't imagine if that would happen to me, what they would do. My legs! My legs still couldn't move. When the nurse realized what I had just, she looked at me sorrowfully. "I'm sorry Carter, you suffered a lot of traumatic injuries in your lower half." "What does that me. Do-" She cut me off, "Carter you paralyzed from your hips down. I'm so sorry, none should ever have to go through this." I then forgot where I was for a minute, and just wept. I wept for what seemed like an eternity. When I came back, I couldn't deal with this anymore. I asked my parents and nurse to leave. I needed time alone to think. When I finally got this time after pleading, I did everything but think. I made a new reality, that none of this happened. I fell asleep after living my new reality. When I woke up, I remembered my dream. I lived in a small town in Connecticut, I owned a real estate business. My wife Clarrisa, with two small children, one boy one girl. I was living the perfect life. When I finished reliving my dream I remembered that my parents were in the room. I was told that I could leave in 4 weeks. They also brought up the idea of a support group. They said, "It will be a good thing for you to get the support and counseling you need to overcome this." Knowing what I did I would agree to anything. Once I got out of the hospital, I settled back at home. It was troubling adjusting to my new life. I had to use a wheelchair everywhere. Not only did I have to deal with my internal conflicts and feeling of guilt, but I also had to deal with the judgment of others. It was shard knowing that I once could walk wherever I wanted and know that I was "normal". The date that the support group was coming up. I was anxious. I walked in, no I rolled in. The friendly smiling faces invited me in. They had me introduce myself. "Hi, everyone, um my name is Carter-Long. I am an alcoholic." "Hi, Carter", crowed the group surrounding me. "Carter, Carter, CARTER" I woke up. IT WAS A DREAM. My legs could move, the friends weren't dead, Clarrisa wasn't mad. I made a promise with myself, no party's ever. As the years went on with no broken promise I was almost done college. I am studying buisness. I went to class and went on with my day. My girlfriend, Clarrisa asked me to go to a party with her on Saturday. I said no keeping my promise. She was as persistent as I am stubourn. As she kept to ask and break me down I finally agreed. I was so anxious, I counted down the days. 3 days, 2 days, 1 day, no days. I got ready that day for the party. We got in the car, going the speed limit. When we got there I thought my heart was going to fall out of my chest. I felt like I was going to throw up. I have the same feeling I had in my dream. I headed in with deja vu.