Queen

An embrace from my siblings was rare so that’s why when Roger hugged me I couldn’t help but let my tears flow. He was always the one to console us after my brothers and I would get beaten by our father. He didn’t endure nearly as much of the abuse Brian, John, and I got. Roger was the favorite. Never said aloud, but we all knew the unspoken truth. He was the protector of us all. So it surprised me when years later after escaping our father’s grip he would say things such as, You guys did it to yourselves, You were asking for it, or my personal favorite, You wanted him to do it.

The reason this sporadic hug was given to me was because of the gift I gave him. The first one he received from me in years and the first gift I gave in years. We haven’t seen each other in about a decade or so. The last time we were all in a room together was with the lawyers about dad’s will and who got what. No surprise, Roger was given the most valuable items and the highest amount of money which wasn’t much since dad cared more about scotch than he did us. 

Brian was 26, I was 24, John; 23, and Roger, the baby of the family was 21. I remember the room being filled with animosity and men who displayed no emotion, except Roger. He whimpered about how much he was aching for him in that room. John and I would talk about him behind his back when we were younger as to how he could ever love a man who hated his brothers. We would also discuss the further abuse we suffered by the hands of our eldest brother. I wondered when I was a boy why he too would beat us. He knew the horrors of the physical abuse so it confused me as to why he would inflict it upon us too. He never touched Roger though because he knew if he laid a hand on father’s favorite, he would get chastised in a way he couldn’t even imagine.

John was my home away from home. We would talk daily up until the big fight. Dad was big on grades, not because he was a scholar himself but because he liked using the fact that a two-digit number in the corner of a sheet of paper equaled allowing him to let out his anger on his kids. John has dyscalculia which he was never actually diagnosed for but when he would have panic attacks so bad he would throw up blood when it came to math test days, he figured there was an issue. The school counselors recommended he get it checked out and even contacted our father about it. Dad cursed out the counselor though and almost got a protective order against him by our principal. 

Roger was the glue of our dysfunctional family who was deemed as an angel in Dad’s eyes. Brian was the guy who took after Dad’s footsteps. John was my escape and when we weren’t crying after our beatings, he was actually pretty funny. As for me, I thought of myself as the scapegoat. I was quiet then, even when my father would kick me while I was down, I almost always stayed silent. The louder the silence, the harder the kicks. My thoughts as a kid consisted less of my home life and more of my future. I tried to detach myself as much as possible from reality. 

I like to think that my father wasn’t always bad. I have memories of him tickling my brothers and me while laughing. Somehow that grew into the only touches from him being punches while screaming from him and cries from our end. Maybe it was mom’s death, the eviction perhaps, or losing his job. After a while, I stopped trying to wonder why he did what he did and tried to accept that he was just a shitty person. Regardless of the reason, that can’t justify the bruises we acquired over the years of abuse. 

When I was freshly 19 and had just enough money, I bought myself an apartment. Although it was meant for just one, I snuck my brothers in and let them live with me. Even Brian who ran away from home on his eighteenth birthday. He turned to drinking just like dad but I couldn’t bear allowing someone who has the same blood in their veins as me to live on the streets, the same can’t be said for our father though. I thought living with them would run smoothly but it took just a few months for it to fall apart. It started as a little argument between just two of us then gradually got more serious and we all parted ways. 

Roger got upset with Brian for not cleaning his dishes which was normal for Brian not to take responsibility. Before Roger could get really mad, Brian said, “Get off my fucking case and go back to dads if you don’t like the way I roll”. That statement was the first blow. Roger silently agreed and was about to do what he did best, play daddy’s little angel. He ended up calling him asking to live with him and Brian thought he was about to snitch on his bad behavior. Before Roger could say anything further, he attacked him, hung up the phone, and choked him. That was the first time Brian got to take out his anger on Roger and he took advantage of that. Roger’s face turned purple and fortunately, that’s when I stepped in. 

I came home just at the right time and before his eyes could roll to the back of his head, I pushed Brian off. Roger gasped for air while Brian spewed out a slew of curses. Roger was always the one who consoled us so it felt weird for the roles to change. As soon as he caught his breath he said, “So this is what it was like growing up for you guys?” Brian hated being analyzed so he threw a punch at Roger while uttering the same words Roger would say to us when he was upset, “You did this to yourself.” 

Roger never had to fight back so he didn’t know how to deal with Brian, but I did. I stepped in front of Roger trying to defuse the situation or at least not let Roger receive any more blows from Brian. As soon as he said, “Oh, you’re gonna get it, shithead”, John came out of his room wiping his eyes implying he had just woken up from a nap. When his vision was clear enough, he noticed what was going on and yelled at Brian to calm down. That just fueled his anger. Now Brian was trying to swing at John. Roger yelled at us all to stop which we did instinctually because we all knew historically if we didn’t listen to him, we would get punished. 

When we all paused, Brian explained that Roger was trying to snitch on him to dad. Fury filled within me because I hated how much power his words held. We all turned on him at that moment but he said that he only called dad to ask to live with him but Brian called bullshit. To this day, I still don’t know the truth. Surprisingly John spoke up and said, “Maybe it’s for the best, we can’t all just live in this tiny ass place forever. Roger is better off living with dad and Brian might as well go back to the streets. As for me, I have a plan.”

“And what exactly is your plan?”, I said more condescendingly than I meant to. 

“Just trust me, I’ve got it figured out”

“No, do tell, you already have plans for the rest of us, spill yours.”, Roger said while rubbing an area Brian just bruised.

“Look, Rosie and I are getting serious, I’m gonna live with her for a while. I don’t get why you’re mad Fred. I’m just tryna get outta your hair.” 

I always hated Rosie, not because she’s a bad person, she’s actually amazing and I hated her for it; but because she stole my best friend. Ever since they started dating, she’s been taking up his time and he only ever talks about her. 

“And when the fuck were you gonna let us in on these plans of yours,” I said condescendingly on purpose this time.

“Freddie, c’mon man. I don’t want you being mad at me now. I was gonna tell you sometime this week since I’m moving out next Saturday.”

I never hurt John the way dad or Brian did. Never even thought about it but at that moment, I understood why Brian was the way he was. So much abuse gives you an option. You could learn to deal with it silently and bottle up that pain. You could understand the pain you endured, and help others who face the same battles as you did. Or take the easiest yet worst option, take the anger you hold from the abuse and reflect it.  

“Do whatever the fuck y’all want but I’m staying,” Brian said with a sense of pride.

“How can you live like this? Like the man you claim to hate” Roger asked rhetorically.

“I don’t get why you have such a big problem with me acting like dad, you love the man so much and I’m practically a replica of him.”

“A Great Value version,” John said jokingly, hoping to lighten the mood but immediately regretting his statement.

“You got jokes, funny guy,” Brian said while walking up to John while everyone except him felt the impending doom. 

“We’re not kids anymore, Brian. I’m not scared of you” 

Brian lifted up his fist knowing he wasn’t going to actually hit John but he flinched. Brian would have done so too. All of us except Roger would have flinched because of our body’s instinct from livng with dad. 

“Cut it out, guys”, I said with my voice raised so high, it felt unnatural. 

“Why do you have to be like this? Why can’t we just be a normal family?” Roger asked obliviously.

We all knew the reasons behind that answer, dad even knew. Roger was so stuck in his world of protection that he was ignorant to our pain and only experienced bliss while we had to suffer because of the knowledge we knew from those beatings. 

“I have a couple of questions myself. Why don’t you ever shut the fuck up? Or a better one, why didn’t you ever stop him” asked Brian as one of his eyes started to well up with a layer of liquid so heavy that it dropped out of the corner of his eye onto the floor. 

“Maybe if you guys just listened to him, you could’ve lived the same life as me.”

I’m not sure if he was just wilfully obtuse and didn’t want to come to terms with the fact that the man he loved was actually not shit. 

“We can ask all the questions we want and wonder whatever we want but we most likely will never get the result we hope for so how about we just all shut up and eat breakfast,” said John with hope to relieve the situation.

I noticed the rest of them seemed to calm down but I was still holding rage onto the fact that he was planning to leave and only gave 6 days’ notice.

“I’m still wondering why it took you until now to bring up the fact that you’re ditching us in less than a week,” I said surprising myself since confrontation was never my area of expertise. John didn’t have a short fuse but when it came to being hangry, he was not one to mess with. He ended up putting me in my place when he said, “Y’know I’m also wondering why you haven’t told the guys about your plans with your partner.”

This was a new level of the argument. Right when things were about to die down, things get worse.

“What the fuck man,” I say with disappointment and anger.

“What’s he talking about, Freddie?” Roger asks

“Since when you getta girl?” Brian asks

“Try again, Brian,” John says which confused them simultaneously but they both realized at the same time what he meant.

Roger opened his mouth with nothing to say yet so many thoughts. Brian’s face formed from confusion to realization, then to anger within seconds. John just outed me.

“So what are those plans that John was talking about?” Roger questioned

“My brother, a fag. Better not marry ‘em.” Brian chuckled while saying, “I’d have to kill ya”.

I lowered my head ashamedly. Brian turned to John hoping to find an answer to a question he didn’t even have to ask. John nodded further revealing my secrets. Brian attacked me. Roger tried to deflate the situation whereas John stood in his place feeling pity for betraying me. I laid there helpless as I felt my bones crack and blood drip from various parts of my body. I became unconscious and woke up to an empty apartment with a letter of eviction. There was a multitude of reasons; constant noise complaints, suspicion of drug activity which I could only assume was on Brian’s part, and of course, the fact that there were three unauthorized tenants living in a single-person apartment. 

That day was the second to last time I saw any of them. I tried to keep in touch every now and then. Roger ended up living with dad up until his death. Brian lived at a crack house with his buddies for a bit until he killed himself by overdosing. Even then, the rest of my brothers and I didn’t see each other because he didn’t have a funeral or items of value to give after his death. John got married and had a kid. I never met them but I’ve seen pictures and he lives the life he’s always dreamed of. As for me, I never did marry my partner because I wasn’t ready for commitment. 

After we broke up, I traveled the world and visited 13 countries. Now I want to settle and that’s what brought me to see Roger. I went to our childhood home with a 50% chance of seeing Roger or not. I didn’t want to come empty handed in case he was there. I looked through the windows to see if anything has changed and to my surprise, it’s almost identical to my childhood. I knocked at the door a few times and just as I was about to go down the doorsteps, I heard footsteps coming my way inside the house. “Just leave the package near the gnome” A voice inside screamed.

“It’s not Amazon, it’s me”, I replied purposely without saying my name in hopes that if it’s Roger, he will recognize my voice.

The footsteps became faster and eager. The voice I heard opened the door with an uncertain look on his face. It was Roger, I was sure of it but he didn’t look like Roger. 

“It’s Freddie,” I said while handing him the gift. 

I’m not sure if he is truly perplexed by my identity or pretending to be dense. I allowed a few moments to go by until I said, “Your older brother”. When he replied I knew something was wrong. It wasn’t an act. 

“I’m sorry Freddie, I don’t have any siblings. Thank you for the book though.” 

Roger looked down at the book and he seemed confused by his body’s response to it. He opened the book and cried while flipping through the pages. It was the last book of his set as a kid. Only a limited amount were created and even dad did whatever he could in order for Roger to have that book but they came up empty handed every time. I found it at a flea market while I was visiting Guatemala and decided to pick it up in case I ever crossed paths with Roger again. 

“Fred. Oh Freddie. How I’ve missed you.” 

He came in for a hug and once his arms were wrapped tightly around my body. I felt my inner child at peace. This was one of the rare hugs Roger would give my brother’s and I after we got a beating so bad, we would harm ourselves to distract us from the pain dad gave us. 

“What happened? I thought you didn’t have any brothers?” I asked sarcastically. 

“I thought I didn’t, for a long time actually. I became so broken when dad died. After some time, I my mind made up fantasies and I believed those lies and forgot the truth. Do we have more siblings?” Roger said while we walked into the living room which I shockingly remembered the way to. 

Roger and I ended up discussing our childhood and the things we have been up to since the big fight. We came to a conclusion that we should have a bit of a family reunion. Although Brian is no longer with us; I do want to finally meet my nephew and John’s wife. After hours of catching up with Roger, I went to a hotel a few miles away and contacted John about our plans to meet up. He responded and agreed to partaking in a family function. 

Our lives were a fucking mess as kids. Even into our adulthoods, we all definitely have some unsettled trauma. I hope when I meet up with my family, we get to alleviate some of the pent up emotions we’ve dealt with over the years. I hated and even still now hate my father but when it comes to my brothers, even Brian, I must admit, I fucking love them.