How Come I Wasn't Enough

I am completely over my life. No one gives a shit about me. I can never do anything right in anyone's eyes. I am just overall a major disappointment.

Hello fellow reader! I'm Genesis. It means beginnings. But all I want to do is end my life. Let me explain. When my mom was pregnant with me she would always brag about how her child was going to be this amazing miracle baby who's gonna take over the world. Considering she this hot shot lawyer who argued a case in the Supreme Court and my dad is this highly requested producer, I don't blame her. As I grew up she became more and more disappointed in me because she thought I too ordinary. I would always want to do what everybody else was doing just so I could fit in. My mom found that repulsive. " I didn't give birth to you just so you can be like every other basic little girl on the block Genny. You're supposed to better them! And one day you're supposed to be better than me! Fix yourself and get on track." Harsh right? What does she mean when she says fix yourself? How am I supposed to fix myself?

My dad wasn't a big help either. He would always just make excuses for my mother. " Your mother just wants what's best for Genny. Give her a little a credit. Try not to annoy so much." Believe me I tried. I tried my hardest to be the perfect daughter. I got straight A's, was on student council, took all AP classes and worked my butt off to pass them, and I volunteered at the food bank twice a week. It was never enough. I was never enough.

I felt empty inside. It was a lot to handle for a 17 year old. I would constantly cry myself to sleep wondering why I wasn't enough. The tears never stopped coming. I wanted so desperately for my parents to love me. I wanted so desperately to feel loved by anyone that I looked for validation wherever I could get it. From teachers for getting the highest test score, from my friends for having the best style, from boys for being hot. To my classmates I looked like the happiest girl in the world, but what happened behind closed doors was a different story. I wasn't eating as regularly as I should. I was sad and all the validation in the world meant nothing to me unless I had my parents love.

They didn't even notice how distant there daughter was. If they did, they didn't care. I came home one day excited( which was rare these days) because I had gotten early acceptance into UPenn. I rushed into the house to tell my parents about the good news only to be met with rejection.

" You know I went to Harvard right?" my mother says," I went to Harvard and graduated top of class at law school too. Did you remember that? We are NOT striving for UPenn, Genesis, we are striving for perfection and that perfection is Harvard University. I could care less about any other school. Come back to me when you get into Harvard and maybe we'll talk. And eat some bread. No daughter of mine will be looking like a deformed roach." That was it. No "Congratulations, I 'm so happy for you!" With that the conversation was over. My dad just shook his head and followed my mom down the hall. What the hell.

I trudged back to my room and flopped down on the bed and started bawling. This was my one chance to prove to them that I am enough. That I can be the daughter they always wanted. What my mother doesn't know, I didn't even apply to Harvard.

I spent the rest of the weekend in solitude. My friends texted me asking me if I wanted to go out, I didn't respond. Boys asked me out on dates, I declined. I officially reached the point of heartbreak. They would never love me and there was nothing I could do about it. I was powerless against them. I mean they have such successful careers. Why wouldn't they expect the same thing from me? This isn't on them, this is on me. It's my fault I couldn't reach their expectations. I didn't work hard enough. That's on me. I should have done more to make myself good enough. It's too late now. I think I've done just about everything I could think of at this point. I am spent. I've got nothing else to give because they took it all. All my will power, all my dignity, all my self-confidence. Everything.

I'm powerless. The last thing I remember is a blade slicing over my wrists and laying down on my bed to go to sleep. Being so completely powerless, I surrender. Or at least I thought.

I wake up in a hospital bed with both my parents standing over me. They look devastated. My mom looks like she's been crying. My looks like he's in shock. " What happened?" I ask. My mom can't even get the words out without tears streaming down her face.

" Darling," my dad begins," we found you in bedroom, covered in blood. You barely had a pulse, but we got you here just in time." He could barely get the words out.

" Genny!" my mom finally says, " What on earth were you thinking? You could have died!"

" That was the point," I respond. My parents stand back bewildered. I can tell by the look on their faces they were not expecting that response. They were expecting an apology for putting them through, what they would call, their own personal hell. Well I've been through my own hell, too. For the past 17 years, I have been miserable. I have been killing myself trying to be exceptional for these people and I am not about to apologize for it.

" What?" my father whispers in disbelief, " You mean to tell me that you wanted to... to die?"

" Yes that's exactly what I'm saying."

" Genny just why? What happened? Did something happen at school?" my mother asks. My first instinct is to yell at her, but I'm tired so I can't do that. I have to be patient with her right now so I can help her understand the situation.

" Nothing happened at school, Mom. In fact, it all happened at home. With you guys."

" What did we do?" My mother scoffs.

I sigh. " What did you do? Nothing. It was all my fault. I was the one who failed to be the perfect daughter for you. I was the one who didn't get apply to Harvard because I thought my parents didn't want me to be like everyone else only to get shamed for it in the end. I was the one who was a major disappointment since birth. I was the baby who by the time I was 8, I bet you wished you aborted. It was ME who felt like she would never earn her parents love and needed to die because of it. So you see, YOU did nothing. It was all ME." This is probably wrong of me to say, but I genuinely I would have been happier dead. I wish they hadn't found me in time because it hurts just being in the same room as them. I need to get out of here.