THE NORTHERN LIGHT WINDOW

(READER DISCRETION ADVISED)

THE NORTHERN LIGHT WINDOW

It was six in the morning, and I lay there wide awake not being able to sleep. I looked out the giant windows in the bedroom to see the streaks of orange and pink painting the pitch-black sky.

It was one of those days, the days where I feel every inch of my existence being questioned by things even so trivial and unimportant.

the days where even the slightest touch could set off a chain reaction of explosion and break dams mightier than the ones known to humans.

It was one of those days.

the ones where the dark cold hand grips my throat and rips the air out of my lungs.

I lay there pondering the reason behind my existence and not even the loud shriek of my alarm could shake this feeling off.

it was now 7.30, it means I have to take my place amongst the normal functioning part of society with a smile plastered across my face.

my family could have died, my house could have burned down, my babies could be dying but I will still forevermore hear - “ why don't you smile more..”

it was raining today, the world already seems cold, dead, and dark. today it was a few shades darker.

I got dressed slowly, not being able to breathe, it's still a mystery how I got myself dressed when all my limbs weighed almost a tonne. as I walked out the door heading to the bus stop I realized I was quite literally dragging myself.

The commute had always been the difficult part. there are several times during the commute where I’ve wished the bus would just digest me, or the ground would open up and swallow me.

and on several non-fantasy-ical notes, wondered if I could just get down and leave- leave the bus, leave the city, leave all this behind, take the roads I’ve never travelled and the risks I’ve never dared… all in the hunt for happiness.

I often have thoughts of running away to any random place.

I see buses and cars going to places I do not know and I have almost all the time wanted to board them and go nowhere.

Often I look at buses, achingly, and wish I could leave whatever I was doing and board them with the couple of hundred bucks I have stuffed in my pocket and start afresh.

it is worse when the buses read the names of the places that I remember from my past.

and I am yet to figure out what about my life I hate so much. And on some days I’ve come very close to the answer- the answer would be staring right at my face, but I lack the capability to accept it.

the bus slowly fills with people and as they all board, they greet me - as I am just a familiar face they’ve seen for the past 3 years. I board there, get down there, sit here, and smile this big.

it's painful to think that the people we see every day are the ones with whom we never initiate a conversation.

and the people who we care about the most are the ones who distance themselves from us.

and in my case, neither love nor life and nor the loves in my life has been so kind.

A few minutes later, I have successfully reached my workplace and am still standing firmly on both my feet. if no one was around, I’d pat myself on the back.

as I gain the courage to walk indoors, a woman hurrying to open the door before me and spills her beverage all over me.

She looks over agitated and asks me if I am okay. I was visibly taken aback. she softens her expression, apologizes and asks if I am alright.

to be fair… not really. I’m glad someone asked.

I nod my head faintly and she shoves me to the side and proceeds to march inside.

I reached the elevator without disappointing any more of my fellow human beings. seeing the elevator empty and feeling blessed, I walked in and leaned my head against the cold metal walls.

Before I could breathe out a sigh, a wave of people almost drowned me and pushed me to the back of the elevator.

I see a few familiar faces, a part of aches for the human interaction but the other part knows too well the kind of ‘interaction’ I’d get from these particular humans.

fate once again decides to play a luckless hand and makes them notice me.

What five minutes yet seems like hours pass by as they so kindly describe my physical condition to me over again in a seemingly distasteful manner. I give them a tight smile and exit the tin can.

I walk into the floor and feel happy to see the warm, kind, and wrinkly face of my boss.

she smiles at me and inquires about ‘the pests in the elevator’, I try yet fail miserably to return the warmth from her smile.

the mother I never had… and never deserved.

She looks at my shirt, pouts, and tells me she might have a spare in her office.

I follow her like a lost lamb in a world full of hungry wolves.

She hands me the spare.

I take off my shirt and change into the spare, she looks at me- concerned from the corner of the room.

she walks closer- her form barely coming up to my chest- holds my necks, pulls me closer -” you’ve lost a lot of weight, kid… try not to work yourself too hard…” she says and gives me a peck on my forehead.

I feel my eyes tear up.

 if only I could tell someone…

I finish buttoning up and throw my coat over, I am led into the meeting room and yet again, I follow her like a lost kid.

As we entered the room, I was really confused and lost. my partner had to remind me about the people coming to discuss progress with us.

I sat at the table, restless and annoyed a little.

there’s just no happiness… not even a monetary flash of it… is there?

I look around the table and see all the familiar faces and try to distract myself.

I looked at my dear boss, her husband… the parents angels sent me and said be blessed for at least a little bit.

Then, I looked at my partner and the lawyer bickering and laughing over something I couldn't bring myself to listen to. We were more like best friends than co-workers.

Then, I look at my assistant frowning at the notes and pouting, he’s still a kid… but a smart one. I see potential.

I keep looking around the room, I don't see barriers, I see family.

if I could only talk to them...

every inch of existence screams to be heard, every part of muscle wants to lunge forwards into someone’s arms, eyes filled to the brim with tears waiting to pour out, hands just aching to be held and legs that have miraculously not given up yet.

I just need a single spark to let it all burn… I muster up the courage and start to talk, and yet again- the worst of luck.

The clients have arrived with a huge party and a contagious amount of fake happiness.

will this world ever learn...

the meeting has begun…

What seemed to be several hours later, I grew extremely annoyed and restless. I started by taking my coat off, then popped two of my buttons off- which seemed to attract a lot of attention from members of both sexes.

It seemed as if the more clothes I took off, the more hot and sweaty I became.

I excused myself and started pacing the room. a little later, I completely zoned off and was staring out the window at the city below.

my mind yet again decided to test me.

if I died tomorrow, nobody will miss me

the earth won't stop spinning.

the fire won’t stop burning, the wind won't stop howling.

if I died tomorrow… the water won't stop flowing, the trees won’t stop blooming.

if I died… if I did...the mountains won’t crumble,

the sky won't fall,

the core won't burn up,

the land won't split open and swallow us.

if I die tomorrow, I shall no longer be a waste of space, but rather just a pile of bones under grass and mud.

If I die tomorrow, nothing will change.

so, why not today...

Before I could continue, I heard a voice break me out of my haze.

“... don't you agree…? “ they ask. I nod in agreement and return to the table.

The day goes by in a haze and not long after I find myself in the parking lot with my boss and her husband. they walk before me hand in hand, laughing and giggling like teenagers in love.

oh, how bad I wanted that...

I see everyone getting ready to leave. my boss turns and gives me one last look before getting into her car and I smile at her weakly.

her husband asks me if they can drop me off somewhere. I politely decline.

I wanna take a walk. a nice long walk home shall always help.

I watch them pull away from the parking lot and wave goodbye to my partner who is starting his bike, getting ready to speed away.

This has certainly been a day. The sun slowly sets and contrary to the sight today morning the yellowish pink and orange streaks slowly fade into the dark sky. a cold wind blows, the air is still a little warm.

I see kids playing in the park nearby, parents walking their babies in strollers, joggers pacing around the block, and people walking their dogs.

it is certainly pleasant.

I step out of the parking lot and begin my walk home, I breathe in the air around me, shove my hands deep into my pocket, and enjoy the weather.

maybe, I can call my parents when I get home… or call my friend back home and tell her everything.

not even minutes later, I smell the faint wet smell in the air.

oh no...

it starts pouring. and there's not a cab nearby. this certainly turned out to be the walk

I walked home in the pouring rain, and into the elevator, past all the stares I got from fellow neighbors and residents.

as soon as I opened my door, my legs gave out and I plopped on the floor. tears started streaming down my face and I could no longer control my emotions. I fell on the floor, accepting my state, kicked the door closed, and lay there like a wet slimy puddle of unfiltered emotion and suicidal thoughts.

I may have blacked out for a few hours, when I woke up I was almost completely dry and it was dark outside.

I thought I could talk to someone today, and maybe just maybe - if I had talked to someone now or earlier, things could’ve gone differently.

I pull myself up and crawl my way towards the bar.

I snort at the fact that I am living in New York City, working in Wall Street- people would call me mad if I told them I couldn't even find one person to talk to from 9 to 5.

but the truth be told… I couldn’t. it may be a city full of people but it's a very lonely city full of people.

I get up and pour myself a drink and move towards the giant windows.

I stood near the huge windows gazing at the outside world with a glass of scotch in my hand. I realized it might be the perfect city from the 16th floor, but I had no idea why I needed it.

I looked around the room, looking at all the material things that no longer bring me happiness and realized I can fill this place up with this junk and yet never be happy and sufficient.

I continue to look out the window and wonder what a 16 storey drop would do to a human.

I hear the floorboard creak behind me.

" Hello..." I greeted him warmly.

he steps closer, disregarding any physical boundaries I had. With the level of information, he knows about me, I can also boldly say that we have no mental and emotional boundaries.

his cold hands snake around my shoulders, whilst one of them goes down my shirt and is placed firmly on my chest, the other goes up to my neck and he lets his cold slender boney fingers wrap around my neck.

I let out a gasp as I can feel no air go into me.

I unbeknownst to myself gave my depression a form.

a dark slender being, tall and faceless. He had long claws and white eyes. He always walked behind me but never in front. to think about it, he seems like a coward. but, he isn't.

He knows me best. his embrace often feels like a soul clenching hold.

" you are not him... are you?" I ask

he nods no.

" How did you find out?" his words slither out in a low grumble.

He is amused he has me in his grasp.

" him, I can welcome him with open arms... but you, I’m afraid we've never met before, dear sir..."

I say as he plunges his hands into my chest.

because he wasn't in my depression, it was death. finally here for me.

I look down to see the pristine white shirt tainted scarlet with blood. I examine it and find pieces of what used to be the scotch glass poking from my chest and several other pieces laying beside me.

I lay there on the cold floor and accepted my fate, depression didn't kill me, I courted him.

but neither did death, he merely showed me the sweet nectarine of what could be if I just let go and I succumbed to it.

as the blood pools under me, I look up and stare at the northern light window- the stars glisten brightly and beg me sweetly to join them forever.