Scam the Scammer

As much as I looked forward to the long holiday weekend and the time off from my high-pressure auditor job, I’m bored. I’ve eaten all the good snacks and arranged their wrappers into a bar graph of regret.

Now I’m considering ordering pizza against the advice of my willpower. But then again, ordering a pie is only fun when you get to share it. My circle of friends is more like a dot, and Hannah’s away camping with her boyfriend this weekend.

It’s late evening on Saturday, and neither the Gram nor television interests me. I need a life!

Incoming Text: Hi, My name is Kathy and I am an agent of Great-Jobs. Can I share job details? [10:01 PM]

“Kathy,” huh? It was Carol from Michigan just yesterday with the same text introduction.

These scam messages come in on the daily lately, and I’m positive there is a data farm and call bank behind these names. This time, the text is ostensibly coming out of New York.

I decide to have a little fun and string the exchange along, so I shoot back a response.

Reply: Sure [10:01 PM]

I wonder if Kathy will be original, at least. A string of response texts arrived within a couple of seconds, one after the other.

Kathy: Thank you so much for your reply and time. [10:01 PM]

Kathy: Applicants must be U.S. citizens or have permanent residency and must be at least 25 years old. [10:01 PM]

Kathy: Do you have an S-S-N? (No need to provide it). Just answer Yes or No. [10:01 PM]

Just as I thought. She is sticking to the script so far.

Reply: Yes and yes [10:02 PM]

A nanosecond after I sent the last reply, the next message came through. The texts must be from a bot.

Kathy: OK, please follow your WA and I will inform the agent to contact you as soon as possible. Have a nice day. [10:02 PM]

Scam confirmed. The directive to go to WhatsApp is a red flag on top of the approach itself.

I decide to play along, at least until I might become vulnerable. But I want to test how well the automated messages field my replies, so I type:

Reply: I do not understand what that means. A little more detail would be helpful. [10:03 PM]

Crickets. I wait a few minutes and refresh my Messages app. Still nothing.

I switch over to WhatsApp and see a number that I recognize as being out of Dallas at the top of my Chats. The new chat’s avatar features an attractive young blonde woman sitting with two young blonde children. That is one adorable family.

I open the chat and read.

Incoming text: Hi there! Have a great day! [10:11 PM]

Incoming text: I apologize for the delay in contacting you. My name is Lily Smith. Your information was received from Ms. Kathy from Great-Jobs Company. She said that you are looking for new job opportunities. Is that true? [10:11 PM]

It’s not true, but I play along, and I try to elicit information by adding a casual question.

Reply: Yes, what organization do you represent? [10:12 PM]

Lily: Thank you for your reply. Nice to meet you here. [10:12 PM]

Lily: Yes, let me know when you have time for me to explain the work to you. [10:12 PM]

Ugh, this isn’t as fun as I had hoped. I throw a wrench in the game with my next reply.

Reply: Tomorrow morning, Eastern time. And you may post details here in the interim. I have to milk the cows soon. [10:12 PM]

Lily: So, I’ll explain it to you in detail here. [10:12 PM]

Lily: First of all, let me introduce you to the name of the company. [10:12 PM]

Oh, so we’re still going, eh? I’ll bite.

Reply: Ok [10:13 PM]

Lily: The company’s name is Singular Grain. It is a digital marketing company that specializes in driving growth for business through comprehensive online strategies, including SEO, paid advertising and content marketing. [10:13 PM]

Lily: You don’t need to go to an office to work, you can do the job with you computer or phone at home or at a place convenient. It can be done in your free time about 45 minutes per day( during company business hours 10:00_23:00 EST). [10:13 PM]

Lily: Do you understand? [10:13 PM]

Once again, the messages from Lily arrived at machine-gun speed. I need a moment to read – and to overlook the bad grammar and copy/paste issues. Do I understand what, exactly? I assume she's referring to the nature of SEO activities.

I visit www.singulargrain.com. The website uses the HTTPS protocol, has recent updates, and generally looks authentic. I do not click any menu or hypertext links, just to be careful.

I switch back to WhatsApp and adjust my comfort level on the couch. I’m going to lean into this now.

Reply: Generally, yes, I understand. Will I be able to look them up for details about the customers, their products, etc.? I would do it now, but I am milking the cows. [10:15 PM]

Lily: Yes, you can message me after you get home from the cows. I will now continue to explain the job description to you. [10:15 PM]

Lily: The position I am offering you is SEO. As an SEO (Search Engine Optimization) for products. The job is basically the same as products data promotion from online. Our position is not to buy or sell products. Is it clear to you? [10:15 PM]

The bot is no longer in charge, I presume, because the typos and bad grammar persist. I feel a little sorry for whoever was on the other end of the messages, but I push the absurdity further.

Reply: I understand. I was telling my champion thoroughbred racehorse just the other day that he should be happy our farm has great SEO. His diet is so much healthier. Do you work for the company? [10:16 PM]

Lily: Yes, I am just like you, working here and earning an income. After that, the company appointed me to work as a trainer for new members who want to work here after seeing my hard work. [10:17 PM]

Lily: By the way, let me ask you. Do you have any relevant remote working experience on a part-time job? [10:17 PM]

Oh, so after all this time, there is finally a question about my background or experience?

Reply: I do! I work the back 40 acres every year, and it’s a couple of miles from the farmhouse and barn. The whole farm is pretty remote from town, I’d say. It’s a full 25-minute drive to the mini-mart on the outskirts of town. Funny thing about the mini-mart: it gets robbed once a month by a pack of wolves. [10:19 PM]

Lily: Oh, great, I am glad you have experience. [10:19 PM]

Lily: It’s okay don’t worry about at all, I will give you free training to. And I believe that you will be enjoy with that. Cause you can also get paid for a training commission of 50-150 USD. [10:19 PM]

Lily: So, let me continue to explain the salary and commission. Shall we continue? [10:19 PM]

The OCD in me cringes at the increasingly bad grammar, and I am a little disappointed that she didn’t address my ridiculous background story. Maybe I am not very good at this scam-the-scammer thing.

I try again with something even more preposterous, and I get a little folksy.

Reply: The mini-mart thing is something else. Ol’ Gus sometimes leaves the front door open for fresh air, seeing as how the HVAC blew up on him a couple of years ago. The wolves charge on in and help themselves. Gus hates that, but he refuses to "pay the man," he says. Speaking of pay, my minimum requirement is 500,000 USD per year in salary with a 75% commission. If you can meet that, we are in business, Lily! [10:21 PM]

Lily: Yes, I really understand your concern. You will earn 15% of commissions ($70-150) after completing training. After you work for 15 consecutive days you also have a chance to be a mentor like me to earn extra commissions of 20% every day, plus $5,200 per month. [10:21 PM]

Reply: I just crunched your numbers, Lily, and I am afraid they add up to heartbreak. If I cannot make enough to care for my cows, steamboat, and horses, I won’t be able to take on this work. I understand you have budget constraints, so I will lower my minimum annual salary requirement to 499,000 USD, with commission, of course. [10:23 PM]

Surely Lily will see that I am playing around now. I expect her to disconnect from chat.

Lily: Thank you for telling me so openly. But you still don’t know anything about your job. Can you tell me what difficulties you are having? [10:23 PM]

Really? I pound out more absurdity.

Reply: Thank you for asking. Running my farm is a 24/7 operation. I’m really struggling with milking Petunia right now. She keeps kicking over the bucket because she gets ticklish when being milked. Since you are a trainer and mentor, do you have any guidance for me? [10:24 PM]

Lily: Thank you for the answer. Not everyone has the right to work in this job. Only those who are invited will have the right to do this job and will receive the benefits. [10:25 PM]

Reply: Darn; I missed it by THAT much. Well, Lily, I won’t say that I’m not disappointed by not being selected as your SEO. I will talk to my farm’s CEO and see if the CFO can help me raise more funds by the EOY. Bye for now. [10:26 PM]

I don’t allow Lily to respond. I block her. Frankly, I didn’t get as much of a rise out of her as I would have liked. I entertained myself, however. I also block Kathy from Messages before tossing my phone aside.

Thinking to stream a movie, I grab the TV remote.

My phone chimed with a new text in Messages.

Incoming Text: Hi, My name is Sheila … [10:29 PM]