A moment of forgiveness

I walked into my family’s house. That was very awkward. My aunt greeted me just as passionately as mom did -hugging me so tightly that I thought she’d never let go, and pressing kisses on my cheeks many times before wrapping me up in another hug. Still, there was a little bit of sadness tough. I could tell what had happened hadn’t gone away from her mind –and I doubt it had gone away from anyone else’s. Everyone greeted me with a smile on their faces, but there was no doubt that they’ve only been keeping in the many things they wanted to say about our last encounter 2 years ago.

I stiffened up and moved as little as possible as I made my way to the living room. Shame clung to me the way latex overalls would. Aunt Jalila, my aunt in law, and mom joined me. Tea was already served. And there were travel bags inside the room. I guessed that my uncle came from Safi as well.

An awkward silence stretched on -I wasn’t sure what was right to say. I finally took notice at the difference in decoration -new couches, ornamental vases on the two corner tables of the room, a different carpet.

‘It’s beautiful. You’ve done well’ I commented to break the silence.

‘Thank you, dear’ said Aunt Jalila.

My aunt in law manged to tease me about my disappearance, and said that everyone had been missing me. I smiled at her. I’d been missing them too, but I can’t say that my behaviour was without cause.

A few moments later, I picked up signs of my uncle’s arrival –a familiar manly tone mixed up with other voices that I couldn’t recognise, at the entrance. I pushed myself to stand up and meet him at the door. The moment our eyes met, he seemed at loss at how to be around me. The last time he’d seen my face I had frowned at him and walked away. I was the one who build up the walls, so I surely had to be the one to put them down. That’s why I had decided to come and spend summer with everyone. I spread my arms out and smiled to him. I was worried that he wouldn’t be forgiving that easily, but I was prepared for the worst. However, he walked towards me and hugged me. I whispered in his arms ‘I’m really sorry, Uncle Maalik’

We pulled away from our hug, and I spoke before I could give myself a chance to think about it. ‘You all owe me an apology. I’m sorry. I was too rude to you’

‘Oh dear, it’s all a thing of the past’ My aunt tried to stop it there, but I persisted.

‘Please, I want you all to know how I feel about this’ Their eyes fell on me and they seemed to be looking back at the memory. ‘I was desperate because mom had to live with the sacrifices she made for everyone. I needed to speak for all those times that I couldn’t, so I ended up over-reacting. But I wasn’t any better than anyone. Mom’s all I have, yet she never had a place into my schedule. I can only make sure that I’ll take better care of her from now on, although that won’t take back what’s lost’

               ‘Your mom had been suffering before all of us. Your reaction was natural’ My uncle said.

               ‘I wasn’t right about treating all of you like that. You all had your lives and worries too. If only I looked out for her better. If only we all looked out for her better’

               ‘Don’t say that, my girl’ I looked down at mom, she was gripping at the armrest of her wheelchair. I never got used to seeing her like that, I could never bear it. I leaned in and kissed her forehead.

               ‘I wish you could forgive me. I figured out that what we share is too important to be forsaken’

               I was glad I could draw a smile on everyone’s faces. Since I was younger, I never really gotten along with my family. Everyone was too under-estimative of my abilities and choices. So maybe that day I blew up like a bomb on everyone after I knew that mom was diagnosed with Paraplegia, it wasn’t only about that. I didn’t share their interests to begin with, nor their terrible attempts to get me to talk when we reunited -they’d make me the centre topic and talk about my life like I wasn’t there, or worse, like I was unable to be responsible for it. My disappointment in them kept piling up, and before I knew it, I was avoiding all family gatherings, and I acted like it was a merciless obligation when I couldn’t help but join. When my master studies pushed me to leave the city, I let mom know every single holiday or occasion that I wasn’t coming. I didn’t exactly enjoy passing them alone, but I didn’t want to be stuck one whole day wearing a plastic smile and dodging conversation attempts. I usually visited mom and my sisters later on, separately if I had to.

Mom could’ve been as healthy as any other woman of her age, if only she didn’t have to host every single acquaintance gathering because others hated the trouble of it. She’d cook all the meals, welcome all the guests, and ensure that the place is clean and comfortable at all times. Of course, she didn’t like the house shores. Of course, she knew it when she was too worn out. But she pushed herself beyond her limit regardless. There was something in her, something ethical that she wanted to protect even though it was breaking her. It was only after these 2 years that I had realised it.

We had been chatting for about an hour, before my cousin walked into the house. His expression turned hostile when he saw me. He dashed towards me -I guessed he wasn’t as understanding as everybody.

               ‘Why are you here?’ He barked at me.

               I didn’t know what to answer. He was never this angry with me -he always supported me like family would. But in reality, we were strangers to each other. He knew nothing about me as a person. Similarly, I didn’t. When I was growing up, he was always busy with law school, and then with work. But he was my elder sisters’ age, and he was as closer to them as a child as he is to his siblings. He probably thought of me as his very younger sister -a sister that needed to learn a lesson.

               ‘I thought you were done with us’ he said ‘I’m asking you, why are you here?’

Everyone was trying to calm him down. But I knew, I was the only one who must do that, by sorting things out.

               ‘Kareem, I’m here to mend my ties with my family’

               ‘You know I thought about it over and over’ he gestured with his hand ‘I still don’t understand, so enlighten me here. How come everyone had been calling for you, and you don’t pick up, or call back?’

‘Look, I was angry at what had happened with mom_

‘Angry? We were concerned for auntie too. Your mom was in a terrible condition, your uncle has diabetes, your aunt has it too, as well as a load of stress to match, thanks her restless ex-husband. And you had the nerve to throw blames at all of them like that, being inconsiderate, and disrespectful to everyone?’

‘Don’t portrait it like I just went hysterical and selfish!’ I pleaded ‘You know nothing of what I watched mom endure all these years, all for passing pleasure. I never said it was wrong for them to resort to her help. I was only hoping that they’ve been more mindful of her situation. She is the only parent I have left. Nothing would ever replace her’

               ‘I understand that. But you’ve hurt everyone with your words. You’ve hurt her as well. You forget that auntie is as dear to us as she is to you. What I’m questioning is your selfishness and your drama, Yasmine’

               ‘I’m here to apologize for that. You too owe me an apology. I realise that I created such a shaft. I’m really sorry’

               He just looked at me. His shoulders fell and relaxed up a little.

               ‘Our family thought us something very important. We don’t say it much, but we all know it very well.’ I added ‘We should help each other. No matter. We’re family, that’s what we do’

               ‘You get it, at last’

I was happy that we reached an understanding.

My mom never said much about her feelings. That really annoyed me a while back. I was stuck trying to figure them out. But what she really ever wanted, was to make sure we’d stay as one for as long as we can.

I really respect that.