Not Dependant

The doctors reception was cold, and that did nothing to help the ache in her hands. In the quiet room Lisa was painfully aware of the noise she made as she rubbed them together, but it was either that or she feared her fingers would fall off. Damn it, didn’t this place have heating at all? A working coffee machine would be a start, but the large ‘Out Of Order’ sign that was plastered across it when she came in for her blood test was still there.

As ever the doctor was behind with his appointments. While she had a book in her bag Lisa didn’t trust herself not to fall asleep if she started reading. No matter how much she slept she always felt tired, but that was just life these days wasn’t it? Everyone was tired, necking coffee and energy drinks like they were going out of fashion. And when you were tired you got cold, or at least she always had. There wasn’t special about that.

Nevertheless, that hadn’t stopped people pestering her.

“You don’t look good.” Gee, thanks. It wasn’t like Dana was exactly a cover model either.

“Are you eating enough?” Tactful, given that Lisa was obviously stretching her blouses more than she had been.

“Have you tried a Paleo diet? Or maybe going gluten-free?” Could people just decide already- was she gaining weight or loosing weight? Lisa had the answer to that- she couldn’t face the scales any more, and damn she was missing her favourite pair of skinny jeans- but how could she look like she was doing both at once?

“You need to get more sunshine! Go on holiday. A week in the Caribbean would sort you out!” Sweet, but a fake tan would be a lot easier, not to mention cheaper. Besides, Lisa could hardly go away without her boyfriend Zane, and then he’d expect… well. He’d expect to be able to sleep with her, and the thought of that still didn’t appeal to her all that much. It wasn’t that she didn’t love him, if anything she was still growing to love him more each day. But anytime he tried to get intimate all she wanted to do was just sleep. That was another part of growing up though. Life was too stressful, too busy for any of that.

Everything was understandable, but that hadn’t stopped the questions and the worried looks. When it reached the stage that her family and friends were checking up on her she decided she’d had enough. Credit to them, at first it had been subtle. Susie called for a catch up one week, then the next Laura invited her out for a drink. Then two days later cousin John commented on one of her social media posts, and her aunt Clara on another the next day.

At first she’d loved the rush of contact and the thrill at talking to all these people she cared so much for. But when the messages didn’t stop, when an unanswered text would be followed by a phone call, she got the hint that it wasn’t all just a casual connection.

“We’re just worried about you.”

“Mum, I’m fine! Look, if it bugs you that much I’ll go to the doctors. They’ll just tell me its stress and that I should go for a run or something, I’ll waste all of their time when they could be seeing an actual case, but if it’ll shut you up I’ll do it!”

She was eating her words now though. There was no way she would’ve agreed to this if she’d known how cold it would be, or how much time she’d have to waste her. Two days holiday she’d had to use already, one for the blood tests and now one for this. The tests hadn’t been too bad, in fact she’d spent more time in the waiting room, before heading home and napping in front of Netflix for the afternoon.

Today she’d already been in the waiting room an hour, and now she was preparing to settle in for the rest of the day.

There was harsh electric ding before the stupid automated announcer attempted to read the next patient.

“Li-za Mas-O-n,” it said, managing to get even her simple name mangled beyond all recognition. It was only the instinctive habit of reading the board that told Lisa it was actually her turn to go through.

Her legs ached as she stretched them out. Of course they were cramped after being folded up for so long in a cold room, but there was no way she was going to admit even to herself that they wobbled a bit from the effort of having to move her.

Thankfully the doctor’s office was at least warm.

“Oh, that’s better. It’s nippy out there,” Lisa said as she entered.

“I find some examinations go better if the room’s a little warmer. Less complaining from the patients,” Dr Cooke replied with a chuckle.

‘Yay,’ thought Lisa. ‘Just the image I needed.’ She thought about joking back- it’s still too cold for me, maybe?- but her brain was too sluggish to work out what wouldn’t just sound inappropriate so she settled for a strained laugh.

“Now then, Ms Mason, how are you feeling today?”

“Cold. Tired. Over-worked, under-paid. You know the usual.” This was her usual response to the question, but the doctor didn’t laugh with her. He only frowned deeper as he read through her notes.

“Hmm. What about emotionally? How’s your mood been recently?”

Cold. Tired. Over-worked. Didn’t that response work for that as well? “Fine, I guess. What sort of thing do you mean?”

“Have you been depressed at all? Feeling lower than usual, unusual mood-swings, that sort of thing.”

“A little down, I guess? I mean, it’s pretty stressful and all…” It was hard to tell when she spent all her spare time asleep, but with her growing waistline the last thing she wanted to do was admit to napping.

“Okay. Well, we’ve got the blood results back-” Which of course Lisa knew, otherwise she wouldn’t have booked this appointment. The fact he was still reading through the information on the screen wasn’t reassuring. “-and it’s interesting.”

“Interesting how?” For the first time in her life she was glad she was half-asleep; she didn’t have the co-ordination to punch him.

“Your iron levels are a little low, but that’s quite common for women. The more interesting bit is your ‘free’ T4 count. It’s very low, so I’m going to prescribe levothyroxine for you.”

Lisa just blink at him. “What does that mean?” she asked, when it became apparent that he wasn’t going to bother to explain it himself. Sure it was almost lunchtime, but he could at the very least explain her ‘interesting’ freaky-4 count or whatever it was.

“The short version is that your body isn’t producing all the hormones that it should. You have an underactive thyroid, which means you’ve not got enough T4 in your system.”

“Okay. Is that bad?”

He laughed, which didn’t do anything to ease her nerves. “It’s not great. It mostly just means that you’re body’s not been running at a hundred percent for a while. The tablets give you that extra boost of hormones, and lets your body sort itself out.”

“Okay.” That seemed manageable, although it sounded a bit homeopathic to her. Magic pill to make her feel better? Yeah, alright mate. “How long to do I need to take them for?”

At last he turned to her properly, putting down the prescription on the desk next to her. “You’ll need to be on them for the rest of your life. Your thyroid won’t heal. This is just… who you are now.”

“You mean I’m dependant on medication?”

“Not dependant. If it goes untreated it’ll increase your risk of other conditions, particularly heart problems, but it won’t kill you outright itself. But it will ruin your quality of life. That tiredness, that coldness? There’s a good chance that that’s down to the hypothyroidism. If we start treating that, we can then come back and see what’s left afterwards.”

Not dependant, but it sure felt like it. Having to be on medication for the rest of her life was a weight on her shoulders. That was the sort of thing that happened to very sick people, or very old people. Not people in their mid-twenties. No matter what Dr Cooke said, it felt like serious diagnosis.

She picked up the prescription and tried to read it, but she was too sleepy to even pronounce the word in her head. ‘Though I’d better learn how to say it if I’m on it for life,’ she thought bitterly to herself.

“Are you okay?” Dr Cooke was leaning forward to look at her lowered face, his body turned completely away from the computer now.

“Yeah. I’m fine. Just tired.” That was a reflex now, that response, the idea that she was always tired. Could one little pill a day change that? And would that be worth it?

Did it make her weak, having to rely on medication so much?

“That’s understandable, with a ‘free’ T4 count that low. Take that slip into the pharmacy, take the pills for a few weeks then book another blood test. It’ll take a while to find the right level of levothyroxine for you, but hopefully you’ll start to feel some improvement from that.”

“Hopefully?”

Hands out Dr Cooke sat back in his chair. “The human body is an amazing thing, but each one is different. Some people react very well to this, some people take longer to balance out again. Take it for a few weeks then come back to me, okay?”

“Thank you doctor.”

Lisa left, feeling worse than when she came in. It was just stress, nothing more. Wasn’t it?

Seven pills later and she was wearing one less jumper. Nine pills later and she could sleep through the night without being woken up by leg cramps. Fourteen pills later and she’d jumped on Zane as soon as he’d gotten home from work. Twenty-one pills later and she dug her favourite jeans back out the drawer of shame.

Not dependant, but better with the help.