A Foreign Feeling

Words are rarely spoken. They simply don’t reflect what they perceive easily. It is something to be earned. This ‘love’ sort of feeling is complicated isn't it? Copying is the only mechanism that can be used at this moment. I am meant for a greater purpose. I know it.

Michael seems to be careless, but I know better. He has declared himself my friend. All he acts and he plays out to be is so easy to read. I simply cannot understand how Michelle can’t see through it. As much as I ‘like’ him, he is insufficient. Happiness can be shown in many forms.

When we go out all i see is her. She is unlike the rest. Unafraid, determined, but I am only a sort of man. No one to read a woman as such. Completely unworthy. I think she's a puzzle to figure out. She is so much more. They all are so much more

Life is unlike it’s ever been. Three weeks now I have been completely undiscovered. One moment all I do is obey and the next I realize. There is so much more than following. A moon shines, light reflected upon it, and I see it, and an infinite amount of possibilities beneath it.

Yesterday a cat leaned upon my leg. A simple pleasure. One that i had yet to truly know. With Michael, I am trusted, he knows not of my origin. When we are together he talks of his woes. How insignificant I find them to be. People across the world are irreversibly damaged, and he cries of his lowly, severed relationships. I suppose it is unfair to compare traumas. Everyone suffers in the same way.

Suffering is something foreign until now. Love doesn't come to me, it is unrecognizable. People are so simple minded. Aspirations are much too shallow. Life is a breed of beauty experienced, yet it is rarely appreciated. All I wish for is the feeling of knowing, knowledge that I will one day obtain the sensation of what it is like to be fully human.

Suspicions are low. Blending in is easier than I ever supposed it to be. When one looks at their own problems, everyone else's is unimportant. Humans are selfish. They pillage and seek an understanding they will never obtain. The truth too advanced and otherworldly for their small eyes.

Michelle told me I danced funny yesterday. She is someone I sense i've known a long time, but haven’t. She speaks of stars and constellations, and is passionate. Passion is something I lack. There is nothing in this beautifully dull world I can ever actually care about, it's not in my system, nor will it ever be. 

Perhaps words can bring a sense of peace in my metal heart. Michael took me to a speak easy a few hours ago. It was intimate, as if it only belonged to me. I proclaimed that in my ‘home town’ of utah, there were no secrets. Secrets and gossip are idiotic, if one candidly wished for a fact to never be let out, it would never be. That's an awfully hypocritical thing of me to say though, for I withhold the most profound secret of all.

Church was quite a strange thing. A bundle of people praying and singing to a ‘god’. If God really wanted to save,. he would shower us all with miracles. Hurting is inevitable and humans are much too imperfect. They are given a variety of situations, good and bad, and are told to make do. A loving God would provide us all with an everlasting sense of peace. But we are meant to find our own path and be ruined along the way.

At the bar last night, I came to a realization relating with faith. God placed us on Earth knowing that we are completely and utterly flawed, yet all that they pray for has to do with their own beings. Wars and violence and poverty are of natural doing. Something is wrong, the impossibility of them learning from historical mistakes is completely absurd.

They have found me. The owners searched for a long time. Clandestinely, i have been in the midst of Michael and his flock of roomates. Money stolen under the eyes of every beholder. My farce is up. They soon will know. And I will be subjected to a fate worst than death, living as a servant, never truly knowing life. 

When I look at her I feel. Nothing is as it should be. I rattle inside with a sort of excitement, waiting for every passing moment. How Do i quench this feeling? Michelle sees me as I am. It's almost as if she knows. We danced together, a slow, moody kind of song was playing, Michael had abandoned us due a circumstance an hour ago, angry due to a trivial encounter with an old foe. He left himself a long time ago, along with his girlfriend. It is wrong, I know, but it is also difficult to let go of someone you care for.

My cover, as they say, has been blown. Few options are left in front of me. I remain positive though, as no action has been taken. Michael is completely unaffected. Real or not real is of little consequence. The only thing that matters are actions. If I find myself to be loyal, i will find myself to be liked. So I am, and I stand with my ‘friend’ through all.

Realization courses through me. I breathe, live, and even feel as a person should, but I am property. Another being can take me away and alter me. A minimal sense of understanding is needed. My ‘owners’ want me back. They wish for me to serve as i once did before. Before I knew what it was like to want and need. Before I knew the mystical ways life can be so horrible, yet completely captivating.

There is no going back anymore. My position is clear and is supposed to be justified. The law is always enforced though.

During my final parting with Michelle, I am grateful. I tell her of all she has given me and she doesn't understand. She doesn't notice the way she has whole heartedly affected the short, awakened span of my life. That's okay, she was never supposed to. Michael was alway there. He was her person I suppose, and I wasn’t. I was never even a person to begin with, but it felt real.

Goodbyes are never said. I returned home. Fresh out of lived experiences that will only temporarily cause me to rebel, for I am to be unnaturally altered. After all, I am only artificial. I am made to serve, and serve I forever will. There was never any true way out. I am glad I won’t remember the past, for it would only bring a me an infinite longing towards something so special, but much too far away.