THOSE People

Those idiots. They had no idea how silly they looked. As if anyone in their right minds would wander into this swingers' bar known for being the only karaoke joint in town and say, "Hey, that woman on stage…yeah, the one who keeps putting her tongue down those three guys' throats…she's got some real talent. Call Jerry. We need to get her a recording contract." No. That would never happen. This woman had a better chance of joining the next moon landing team, which is to say the odds were indeed quite small, as small as her singing talent, that she should be offered any kind of contract. But this woman showed up every Wednesday night for the talent competition, and she never won. Truly, the best of the best for the Wednesday night competition wasn't very good either. However, people showed up, showed support, and, most importantly, showed cash.

Jimmy, the bar's owner, bought the karaoke setup for $10,000 from his cousin. Billy, Jimmy's opportunistic cousin, had bought the karaoke machine for $1,000 from his friend, Snake. Billy knew Jimmy was too lazy to research the going rate for anything, and he knew Jimmy would be interested in any easy-seeming way to bring more cash through the door of the bar. Jimmy was so lazy, he didn't even bother to name the bar. It was just called BAR. The sign above the door said BAR. There were no printed napkins or matchbooks or pens or pencils or coasters to identify the name of the establishment other than the BAR sign. If the sign got past the patrons, then there were no other identifying signs or signals throughout the rest of the establishment. But the non-concept worked. The swingers kept coming in, and so did the singers.

Sometimes vendors gave Jimmy promo items, and instead of using them in the bar, he took everything home. Jimmy would never ever need to purchase a single coaster for his home. For Christmas, he would make stacks of 12 coasters, wrap them, and give each stack as Christmas gifts. But…the karaoke machine…Jimmy knew he was overpaying, but after his accountant calculated the depreciation schedule, and figured it in with his expenses, it seemed somewhat reasonable. He didn't need to charge a cover, but he could charge a very modest $5 for each person who wanted to participate in the weekly karaoke contest.

At 28, Jimmy was a man of average height, and he kept himself in shape with regular workouts in a gym. He never skipped a meal, never skipped leg day, and he enjoyed clean eating. When he bought the bar, he didn't know it carried a bit of infamy and intrigue as a swingers' bar. He just knew he liked the place, and he knew he wouldn't have to put any money into the building--it seemed like it was plug and play--and was looking for something that would bring in more patrons. The karaoke machine pulled in people from all walks of life. The swingers weren't happy about the influx of people because there were an increasing number of people who weren't swingers. The non-swingers, almost without exception, were offended or taken completely aback when they were approached by the swingers. It was possible the swingers would stage a demonstration for the sake of establishing some street cred.

Jimmy soon realized he had paid too much for the karaoke machine. He decided to have a Karaoke Smackdown Tournament. He called Billy, shaming him for being an opportunistic dick and said he was only going to pay $5,000 for the karaoke machine. He also told Billy he wanted the money back later that day, "I need it by sundown, Cousin,"

To prep for Karaoke Smackdown, Jimmy began making some changes to the bar's web pages, Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, X. He contacted the local newspaper to have them do an article and/or ad about the planned Smackdown. Jimmy was all systems go on the Smackdown. He knew it would be bigger than anything he had tried to do before. He also knew he might be over his head but would forge ahead until he needed someone to throw him a life ring.

The Smackdown. For three days, Jimmy held auditions for the Smackdown. He recruited his sister, Bambi, to assist in judging the field to get to the 32 slots. During the audition period, dozens of customers and interested parties came to the bar. Swingers and their friends turned out in droves. It was always possible some of these karaoke enthusiasts might be into swinging, and they just needed the encouragement to take the leap. Bambi was a shrewd judge. She knew talent, and she told Jimmy how many people they needed to approve each day of the auditions to come up with a field of 32. She handled all the publicity for the events, and she also hired the extra staff to accommodate the increased number of patrons who'd be in the bar for the Smackdown. Jimmy offered Bambi a job. "Bam, would you like to be the manager of the bar? You're very take charge and know what you need to do."

Bambi's face turned pink, and she had a watery gleam in her eyes, "Jimmy, if you're serious about this job offer, I would love to take it." Under Bambi's leadership, the field of 32 karaoke singers was filled over the 3 days of auditions. The karaoke machine received the workout of a lifetime. Every auditioner paid $20, and then if selected to enter the field of 32, they paid an additional $20. Billy the moron was making good progress in getting his cousin paid back, and Bambi was a take-no-prisoners girl who would put the screws to Billy about gouging his cousin.

On the phone, Bambi said, "Billy, we're family. What kind of person tries to screw family? Are you that kind of person? You're an asshole and want to rip off your cousin? Remember, that same cousin may be able to help you in the future, but if you're an asshole, all that goodwill kind of disappears. You know? I'd want to have the kind of relationship where my cousin wouldn't think twice about helping me."

"Fine," Billy capitulated. "You know I bought it from Snake for $1,000. I'll settle on selling it to you two for $2,000. I make my money back, a finder's fee, you be nice to me…and stop threatening me. You're a tiny thing, but very scary." The last time Billy saw Bambi, she had been around 21 years old, no college, no money, no job. She was five feet tall, and she resembled the Disney version of Tinkerbell, big blue eyes, blonde pixie cut, and she probably weighed 100 pounds. However, she got results, and Bambi was always someone everyone wanted on their side.

The second night after auditions reduced the field from 32 to 16. It was quick. One of the contestants wanted to do a Yoko Ono song, and it was impossible to tell if the woman was any good or if her voice always sounded like someone killing cats. She was quickly eliminated. The following two nights were filled with good, bad, and terrible music, and, at the end of the second of the two nights in this round of the Smackdown, there remained only 8 contestants.

The Smackdown was quickly coming to its conclusion. Eventually, the singers joined the swingers—not in the act of swinging, but more along the lines of entertaining and singing. The final four contestants: Cousin Billy, a little old man with a Rip van Winkle beard, a woman in sparkly pants, and a tall woman wither her hair piled high on her head in a beehive hairdo. For the final round, Bambi set things up so they'd have to sing 2 songs. The tall woman and Cousin Billy teamed up on an old song from an old 80s movie, "Separate Lives," from White Nights. The harmony sounded like magic, floating across the air in the room. Rip Van Winkle and Sparkles sang "You've Lost that Lovin' Feeling," and surprisingly, their voices were both low and complimented one another, the music smooth and harmonies buttery.

Last of all, they each performed the solo karaoke song of their choice, and none of the songs was like any of the others. Bambi left the voting to the audience, going with the method: who receives the loudest cheers. It was the beehive lady. She appeared to be surprised to be announced the winner. She couldn't have been surprised, though, because she brought around half the patrons with her that evening. They were wearing shirts with her face on them. Bambi awarded each of the finalists with a prize, and Madame Beehive went home with a check for $1,000.

For the rest of the evening, the singers, swingers, and friends of the singers who may have been coaxed into being swingers danced along to karaoke, fell in and out of love, drank, and sang. Bambi sat back and watched, Jimmy standing next to her. "How'd you manage all this?" he asked. "I don't think I've ever seen this many people here at once."

"I have my ways, big brother. I'm naming the bar."

"You are, are you?" Jimmy asked, a bit cheekily.

"I am. I don't have it nailed down, yet, but we're not going to keep calling this place 'The Bar,'" she said. "You should go congratulate Billy. I think it would be good for your relationship. I have something you can take with you." Bambi leaned back against the bar, elbows perched behind her, and nodded coolly at the gift bag lying there.

"What's in the bag?" Jimmy asked. He picked it up, took out a smaller bag, and smiled. A miniature Louisville Slugger followed by a miniature microphone and microphone stand. In his head Jimmy had a laugh. Swingers and singers.

Bambi smiled, too. She pointed, "For you. Those."