ANTICIPATION

Some bad language.

* * *

I can't believe the call came, it finally came. I don't know what to do first. I have an hour and no way I can sit still. I'm glad Bax can take an Uber and meet me at the airport but I wish we could drive in together. It's not just my dream, it's our dream. And we waited so freaking long for this day! Hah, and just the fact we're still together after that wild roller coaster? I've got to be the luckiest guy in the world.

Well, let's go down the checklist, see if we're all set for the new arrival. Good ol' Bax, he always remembered to grab formula when it was available. He's so good about checking the expiration date, too; something I never seem to remember. I'm a dork. Well, I'm lucky to be with someone that would cross the street to save a dollar. I'm a lucky dork.

Okay. Bottles, nipples, sterilized and ready for action. Highchair. Check. Extra cushion on all sides and surfaces in soft machine washable fabric? Check. Added bonus of being decorated with palm fronds, monkeys and coconuts. It makes me happy just to look at it. Hey, the electric outlets haven't been covered. Where did we put the stoppers? Is that what they're called? I don't know, who cares, where are they? Maybe . . . yes! What else is in here? Baby schedule. Tack it up right here. We'll - or I'll - be needing that. Cabinet locks, thank you very much. Let's get going, soon-to-be Pops.

Geez, I've got to sit down. What am I doing? This is happening. This is really happening. Get a grip, dip. Why do I talk to myself this way. Well, you are a dip. At times you can be a dip. One damn lucky dippity-do-dah. So, weren't you about to do something? How about some focus, Dufus.

Lucky damn Dufus. That's the truth. I am so scared. What am I doing? I can only do my soft-shoe for so long, then I'm only left with myself. What makes me think I'm ready for this? Am I doing this more for Bax, to keep him? Let that be a no. What kind of parent am I going to be? My parents didn't understand me. How could they? I didn't understand me. I just wish I knew what to believe. How do I forget all that shit? Did they mean what they said then or do they mean what they say now? Did they really change? How do I trust it? I know. I understand. I get it. It shouldn't be so important to me, but there it is. Life isn't instantaneous. It's not like we always know at the time stuff hits us what to make of it. First impressions are important but not everything. Right? It's our expectations that defeat us from the get-go. Right? Either way, should it be forgiven, forgotten or just hang out there until some sense can be made of it. What good does it do. And what if it just won't go away? Yeah, I know. I get it. I understand. Life lessons. Now what.

Hey, what time is it? Yikes. Well, I can leave the baby-proofing for later. I don't think a newborn will be trying to get to the cutlery right away. But what if he or she doesn't like me? Stop!

Ah, behold the nursery! My favorite. I want this room! All that time and care really paid off. I adore everything! Elephants for Bax and monkeys for me. It's a regular jungle jam in here. The crib is beautiful, something out of a magazine. Mint green, lemon yellow. I could just crawl in there myself. Baby monitor in place. Oh, should get batteries just to have on hand. Hey, did you just pretend to be like a responsible adult? No pretending, that was me. Might even be better if I can remember to write it down.

Okay, it's almost time. Think immediacy. Feeding time? Yes. Bath time? Yes. Play time? Yes. Quiet time? Yes. Oh, this is important. Clean-up time? Given we have a warehouse of diapers and wipes right here, powders and creams for sensitive skin, yes! Easy prep provisions for parents? As in food, wine, tag team? Yes. Thanks, Bax, you are the max! Just please do not actually ever say that to his face! You really are a dork! One lucky-duck dork!

I have just enough time to freshen and head to the airport. Pinch me, somebody! Just don't wake me up!

* * *

Let's see. Bax should be on this level, Level 6 of Parking Garage A. Right? I'd better check. No one's behind me. The text, the text . . . level 6, yes. There he is! Look at his face. I do love this moment. Remember this. He's just so . . . yes, I know, I remember how to park! What are you, my mother? Have I ever been this happy? Who knows? Who cares?

* * *

Bax looks as anxious as I feel. If he's feeling insecure about what we're doing, I don't think I can handle it. It's probably only natural. I hope he's not insecure about us. You'd think after all we've been through together - and apart - I've never loved anyone like . . . he knows that. I'm not perfect and he knows that, too. It's so obvious, I'm so far from it. I don't really need to know why he's stayed with me, do I? I'm just happy he did, he has, he is. I can be such a fucking nerd and I know it. And if he knows, he doesn't seem to mind. I'm a fucking lucky nerd. Why am I swearing to myself so much today?

Here we are. Baggage claim. There's the lineup with the name signs. Looking for Griffen Duffy, Griffen Duffy - I love the sound of our names together. A tad stuffy, a bit like a law firm. It sounds like we're an agency. Never thought of us that way. And soon we'll be Griffen Duffy & Baby. I never thought . . . ouch! That hurt . . . what? Where!

There it is. I guess he can tell by looking at us, we're the ones. Why is he coming to us? Hmm. That's a serious look.

* * *

We don't have a lot of time to sort this out. Bax wants time alone to think and then we'll talk. I don't like my thoughts. They're all over the place. Focus, Dufus! A boy. Not a baby. How could this happen? Why weren't we told before now? This isn't something you just spring on people! It's not fair to anyone, least of all a child we can't even meet first, just so he won't be traumatized further if we decide . . . I have never experienced such a monumental fuck-up in my life. And I've seen a lot of fucked up shit but . . . three lives hang in the balance here! My heart breaks for the little guy, but should that be the thing that guides us? What will it amount to? We shouldn't be rolling dice here. What's right for us? What's right for him?

Focus. What's important now, right now. Take the kind of care you took when you helped design the nursery. His health. He's seen doctors and he's been cleared. I have his health records; it's little more than a couple sheets of paper, but according to the printed page, he has no major issues. That's good. He has no family. That's bad. But could he do any better than having someone like Bax in his life? I know the answer to that. We'd both be the luckiest guys on the planet. But is this what I want?

No, this isn't what I want, what I wanted, but it's what I got. We've got. I need to talk to Bax. It's up to us together, damn it!

* * *

There he is. My lord, there's a child in my rear-view mirror. He's staring out the window. What's he thinking? He's supposedly around five, but he looks much younger. The briefing was so condensed, way too quick. I've got the paperwork right here and can go over it again at any time, along with all the various contact info, should we need it. But right now I just want to focus on the boy. He has a hint of innocence but he's also older in his head than he should be. We know he's known loss, and so appears to have his guard up. It's kind of beautiful because of what it says about his sense of self. On the outside, he has beautiful skin, and that hair! Needs a good cut but that can wait. I want him to feel a part of us first. He's our son. Give me your hand, Baxter Griffen. I have never needed it more.

And you. What is it exactly that made you capable of thinking to call Marcie to use her key to remove as much of the baby gear as she could manage and store for us. It's so thoughtful, so right, I'm still fighting back tears. The car seat thankfully fits Dmitry - love the name, glad we all decided he should keep it - but we'll have to get a booster seat pretty soon. We didn't want him to know we were expecting a newborn. He might know already but why remind him. He's terribly withdrawn. To be expected, I imagine. I'm feeling pretty far adrift myself.

* * *

So tired! Good to be home. Let's get this boy inside to see his new home. Bax is a natural. He's so calm, so relaxed with him. I'm amazed again. And grateful. Marcie was here, that earth angel. She did a great job. Wonder do we have peanut butter? I know we have hummus. What do kids eat?

He's so shy. I want him to be comfortable but I'm not sure how . . . house tour? Sure. Bax is so good at making people feel at ease. I could never do this by myself.

Hmm. He needs a proper bath. Will the baby shampoo and lotion suffice? Guess it'll have to. I'll find out during the tour if our little man has an appetite and then talk bath. Look at that head of hair! What I wouldn't do . . .

* * *

Marcie, bless your heart! What have you done? The crib is now a big boy bed. Miracles will never cease. Dmitry loves the elephants and monkeys. Score! Yes, they're yours. That smile. He looks happy. I could break down right here. I'm a mess. He's really looking at us. Oh, treasure this moment!

* * *

Hmm, he's not so sure about PB and J. Let me try something. I won't force. What a honey. He's following me! Please don't make a wrong move. Did I really just say this is where we keep the food? I sound ridiculous. Hey, I'm new here. I don't know the vocab yet. He spent a little too long inspecting the wine bottles. He's so enchanting! That's not your juice, kiddo. Banana? Of course, good choice. Let me shut the fridge and peel you one of these. Oh, we have Cherrios!

Enjoy, my boy. Whew. Baby steps .

* * *

I'll set it up, just in case. Gonna take it slow, don't overwhelm. It's the first day. Day one of hopefully so many to come. I can do this. A bit above lukewarm should be comfortable. Sometime soon Bax and I will talk on the couch over a couple glasses of burgundy. I have to know what you're thinking! How are you? What are you feeling? What's happening here? I'm happy, I'm scared and I'm a whole lot of I don't know.

Well, there you are! We can shop for some new clothes for you later. Whenever you're ready. Let's get you into a warm tub and see how that feels. You can wear one of my tee-shirts to bed, if you're okay with that. I just want your comfort, nothing more. Just look at me, and that's what you'll see. Rather look at the water? Don't blame you. How does it feel? In you go.

Yep, water, the universal language of ahhh. Look at you! This guy's a fish. A regular amphibian. A frog! Don't be afraid to splash a little. See what happens if I . . . oh, boy, better be careful. Give this kid an inch . . . you're a little splash-happy, aren't you? I'm surprised Bax left all this fun time to me. I don't have a clue what I'm doing but it seems to be working. That smile is enough to level me. How did I ever live without it?

* * *

Smart. Bax was adding some finishing touches in Dmitry's room while we were having bath time. We'll have to share that duty in the future. Too great for me to keep all to myself. Little D's looking pretty quiet, sleepy. He seems content swimming in my shirt. Anime suits him. I'll get his clothes washed as soon as he falls asleep. This angel must be worn out. Tomorrow's a big day, little one. You're safe. An elephant will guard you on the left and a monkey will guard you on the right. Your two dads vow never to leave you and we'll do all we can to keep you from harm. I can't promise you we'll be perfect but I can promise we'll do our best. This is just the beginning of a life, ours. I don't mind telling you I am scared out of my mind and I simply cannot wait for tomorrow.

No more luck. It's time to make it happen.

THE END