I've done it again

Do it, I told myself firmly. Just do it.

But I can't. The sleek shiny gun resting on the satin red pillow in front of me was inviting, more inviting than anything else. I wanted one for self-protection, but I can't touch it. I can't remember what it feels like to have it in my hand, the pull the trigger, feel the bullet's release.

I am so scared that I will do it again.

I am so scared that I know I would do it again.

I cannot do this.

I must do this.

He'll come back.

He's gone forever.

Forget him.

Remember him.

Grab.

Don't.

Take it.

Run.

Hide.

Show yourself.

Get out-

"Do you want this or not?" the clerk demands, wearing the annoyed, I-have-better-things-to-do-than-this expression. "Should I pull out another model to show you?"

I pull my blue coat closer around me, inhaling the comforting vanilla scent. "Can you show me how to load it? It's my first gun."

She does, foolishly, and my heart starts to pound. I decide.

Shaking my head, I back away. But the gun lures me back in and I find myself nodding.

"I want it." My voice, high and reedy, comes out without my mind's permission. "No! I mean, I don't want it. Give it to me! Take it away! Stop! Go!"

I'm crying now and the clerk is dialing 9-1-1. Good. She should. I am dangerous.

I want to run, but I know I can't. I want to hide, but I know I shouldn't.

I crouch down, the gun in my sights. My hands itch to feel the comforting, smooth black metal against my soft palms. I want it so bad. But I mustn't.

"Charlie, take it," commands the Voice. "Charlie, shoot the clerk and run. Shoot that woman, Charlie."

The girl is staring at me in horror as the Voice rasps it's way out of my throat. Her nostrils are flared and the little gold nose ring winks in the light.

"Oh, my god. Oh, my god," she repeats, over and over until it has begun to melt into a meaningless river of words, a background tune to my endless song.

Oh, my god.

Stop.

Go.

Oh

Help me.

Stay away from me.

My

I am evil.

God

I will protect.

Oh

I will do anything for you.

My

Now I will kill you.

God.

Stay out of my head.

Oh

Come in, we have cookies and tea and other insanities.

My

I will eat you now

God

It's time for dinner, dear.

Oh

I am coming, Mother, I will not be late, I will never be late, I swear, Mother.

My

How was school today, Charlie.

God

I got an A+, Mother.

Oh

Wonderful work, Charlie.

My

Thank you, Father.

God

Would you like some more food, Charlie?

Oh

Yes, please, Mother.

My

What's that, Charlie?

God

Charlie, where the hell did you get that?

Oh

Charlie, stop!

My

Charlie, please, oh, please, stop, put the gun down, I swear we can talk about it!

God

There's nothing to talk about, Father.

Oh

There's nothing to worry about, Mother.

My

You're ok now, I swear.

God

CHARLIE!

Oh

I did what I had to do, Father, I swear.

My

What have you done, Charlie?

God

Now you're safe, Mother.

Oh

No one can ever hurt you again.

My

Because I protected you, don't you see?

God

I protected you.

Oh

I protected them.

My

What've you done, Charlie? Oh, my god, they're dead!

God

They're ok now, I swear.

Oh

Charlie get away from them. Stop it!

My

No, I'm protecting them.

God

Holy shit, she's just a kid, Deputy.

Oh

I know. The mental facility will straighten her up.

My

Can you stand, Charlie?

God

Charlie, are you OK?

Oh

Yes, I am. I protected them. They're safe now, Miss Ruby.

My

Do you realize what you've done, Charlie?

God

Do you want to be protected, too, Miss Ruby?

Oh

Charlie, get away from me, you're not protecting anyone!

My

I can make you feel alright, Miss Ruby.

God

Charlie, you're hurting me!

OH

But you're safe now, Miss Ruby, don't you see?

MY

You'll be ok now, Miss Ruby.

GOD!

I've done it again, Miss Ruby.

"Charlie? Charlie, can you hear me? Charlie, we're going home now."

In swims the face of Deputy Marshall, out swims the voices of people I loved.

"Deputy?" I mumble. "Deputy, I gotta save 'em."

"I know, Charlie, but you're ok now," he says kindly. "You somehow slipped out of the hospital, but you're going to be ok now. You can't do that, Charlie. People don't trust you."

"Do you want to be saved?" I whisper, scared.

"Oh, Charlie. Sure, I do, now come with me. We've got to get you back the hospital."

But those words, those magical words, halt me in my tracks. The clerk has run from the store and is being comforted by police officers, but only Deputy Marshall is in here with me. Because he was there in the very beginning as well. I have my chance to save him, I can fix this. Because he needs saving, everyone needs saving. The Voice whispers to me to do it, to help this man and I nod slowly, understanding what I must do.

I stand and spot the gun that has been loaded and placed in front of me like a toy. Like it is not dangerous, like it is not powerful and good and it can save people. I grab it and fire off shots into the Deputy's chest. Red flowers bloom there and other officers react, screaming at me to put the gun down, just put the gun down, Charlie, you can do it, Charlie, now put it down, Charlie, PUT THE GUN DOWN, CHARLIE!

They decorate me with the same red flowers I have so lovingly decorated Deputy Marshall with. They sting and I flinch.

"I saved you, Deputy," I tell him as I sink down beside him. "I've done it again, I suppose. Done it again, now haven't I. I've done it again."

And I sing those words as the world fades around me.