Nothing but Time

Her heart dropped in her chest when she unlocked the door. Please, no. She squeezed her eyes shut, hoping what she had just seen a glimpse of was a hologram concocted by a 12 hour shift.

But, much to her chagrin, when her eyelids opened the scene was still before her. The apartment door was cracked open, her white knuckles on the doorknob. And through the crack there was Shawn, candles cluttering every surface. Rose petals were scattered from the doorway to where he was standing- or, even more to her horror, was kneeling.  

Realizing she had been standing in the same position with a grimace etched across her features for longer than necessary, Melanie took a tentative step forward, forcing herself to seem neutral. 

“Hey Mel.” He said it quietly and she moved further into the apartment, feeling like a mouse scurrying closer to a trap. 

If she wasn’t herself, and God, she wished she wasn’t sometimes, it would’ve been romantic. It would have been the beginning of what could have been the best night of her life.

It would’ve meant a future. One that, considering she was herself, repelled her. 

Her boots made soft clicks on the wood floor as she took in more of all he had done. All he had prepared. 

It made her want to throw up. 

Candlelight flickered across his features and she noted the sweat on his forehead, her heart softened before anger replaced it. He knew how she felt about this. He knew she wasn’t, and probably never would be, able to commit to someone for life. 

They’d discussed multiple times. 

If he really was close enough to be proposing, he should know her well enough to understand she would never be accepting it. 

He was putting her in a position where she had to turn him down; he couldn’t possibly be naive enough to think she’d say yes. 

“Shawn…” She began but the words wouldn’t come out. She may have been fuming at him inside but he’d put everything on the line. She didn’t do well disappointing people but, at the same time, he should’ve known. 

“Please, Mel, just let me say something first,” He was pleading with her with his eyes. His eyes. The eyes she loved. 

But still, she couldn’t let him sway her. This was who she was. 

“Shawn, why? You should know how I feel about all of… this. I love you but I can’t…” memories flooded into her mind, “you should understand why I can’t say yes to this.” 

He rose from his position kneeling in front of her, nodding. 

“I know, I know. But please, please hear me out first. I know you don’t want this but please… please.” 

She doubted he could change her mind, but above all she feared she’d let his words convince her she could do something she knew for certain she couldn’t. But he was pleading, his eyes were locked on hers. 

“Alright, but…”

“I know.” It was hard not to trust him with everything she had when he looked at her the way he was. 

“Mel, I know that you don’t want this. I know that. I understand it. You’ve been through so much; what kind of person would I be to force you into this? But at the same time, you know I’m not him. I’m not going to break you like that. I’m not going to make you legally bound to me only to-” 

“Please don’t say it,” her voice broke, moisture rising in her eyes as he brought his direction back to her.

“Of course, I’m sorry. But, please you have to trust me and I know for the most part you do, and it’s hard for you to give more; but we’ve been dating for seven years, Mel. We live together. Have I ever given you any indication that I’m like him?” 

“No but-”

“Have I ever done anything that reminds you of him?”

“Well no but-”

“Do you really think I’ll be like him?” At that, silence stretched and her tears overflowed. 

“Shawn,” her voice was strained, the pain evident. She was a raw wound that he had uncovered more than he ever had. 

“I don’t know if you’ll be like him,” Melanie uncovered her hands from her face, “I just don’t know,” anger had pushed to the forefront and regret was evident in his features. He reached towards her but she pushed him away.

“I never expected you to understand what that was like. And you’ve been amazing, but you can’t push me on this. It’s wrong. These are my boundaries. Why are you so insistent on marriage? Why?! Do you need me to belong to you? Do you need your last name trailing behind me like a ball and chain everywhere I go?!” She was out of breath, the tear trails drying as she pointed her questions towards him like arrows. 

“No, Mel, that’s not what I want, I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry.” He had fallen into full regret as he tried to backpedal, tears springing into his own eyes at the thought of losing her. 

Her anger had fizzled and she looked towards him sadly, “Then what did you mean Shawn?” He met her gaze. She was begging for an answer. All she wanted was an answer. 

Something that could let them go back to the relationship they had before she walked in that door. 

But he was silent, wracking his brain for an answer that made sense. 

“I love you,” It was pleading, hoping for acceptance. 

She let out a shaky breath and he took a step forward, “It was stupid, I’m so sorry I pushed you. I just wanted everyone to see how much I loved you but I never should’ve done it the way I did. We have nothing but time, we don’t need to be married, I'm so sorry Mel.” 

But he had broken an invisible wall. A wall of boundaries that were a dealbreaker to her. 

She took a step away from him, shaking her head, “But… you did. I don’t know if I can really trust you after that,” The realization seemed to dawn on her as she said it and she swallowed thickly. Looking at him with pain in her eyes, she left the apartment, the door clicking and leaving him alone with his thoughts.

 Or the one thought that repeated itself over and over in his mind.

What have I done?