Standing Tall

1-8-2020

Dear Grandma,

Dr. Hoptmann thought it would be a good idea for me to write to you. I've never kept a journal before, I think it might help me keep my mind clear. If heaven really is real and you can watch over me i'm sure you know about my foster family. They are ok, i guess. I just got here around a week ago and their kids are already driving me crazy. They have a two year old son and a seven year old daughter. Gabby Williams, the daughter, never stops talking and always wants to play barbies, being fifteen i think i'm a little too old for barbies! I miss you grandma. I miss the quiet evenings, your home cooked meals, and your soft smiles. Ever since you died I have felt like I can't stand tall, like a hundred pound weight is sitting upon my shoulders. I wish you were here, I wish I had a friend, I wish I didn't live with the Williams, I wish mom would pull herself together, but wishes don't ever seem to come true for me.

1-13-2020

Dear Grandma,

A highschool girl saw me walking with Gabby to the elementary school and she struck up a conversation with me. She asked how I knew Gabby, I didnt even think to lie. I told her I was a foster kid just starting school in the area. I didn't tell her why I was a foster kid, looking back I'm glad I didn't. That would have made things worse. Turns out she is one of those stereotype mean girls, she told everyone about me. Everywhere I went kids were staring, smirks plastered across their faces. At one point someone tripped me, I thought that only happened in stupid teenager movies! Looks like this is going to be a rough year.

1-20-2020

Dear Grandma,

Mom called today. She kept rambling about how hard she was trying to get her shit together, for me. I didn't have to smell the liquor that was surely on her breath to know that she was drunk. The more I listened the closer I got to exploding. Finally, I reached my boiling point. “Some job you're doing of getting your life in order, you have the guts to call me while your drunk and tell me how hard you're trying” I screamed into the microphone. Tears streamed down my face as I lowered my head. She had lowered her voice, speaking in whispers. She was making promises. Things like “I’ll sober up, I swear” and “we will be back together soon.” I don't expect anything to come of these promises, she has been saying things like this for four years. I expect she will always be a woman of broken promises. Why does she do this to me? Why couldn't I have had a normal mom, who doesn't use alcohol as a coping method? Why did dad have to die? Everything was perfect before, now it's all in rubble.

1-22-2020

Dear Grandma,

My science teacher had us pair up for a project. Normally when teachers did this I just asked to work alone. I tried but I was refused, I was doomed. Within a minute everyone had a partner, except me. Or so I thought. The teacher called out for anyone who didn't have a partner to pair with me. A voice spoke up from the corner of the classroom. I had slowly made my way over there, I hadn't been able to see him till I got back there, because everyone was in the way. He had short, curly brown hair. He was looking down. I took the seat beside him. It had taken a while to get him to talk, he was very shy. After a while I got him talking. I found out that his name is Nathan, and that he loves to draw and bike. By the time class ended we were best friends. He walked with me to lunch after class. Normally I eat alone, but not today. Having a friend feels like a day at the beach or a warm day spent at the park. It feels...good, a feeling i haven't felt since you died.

2-15-2020

Dear Grandma,

I haven't had time to write recently, I've been busy, I'm sorry. Nathan and I hang out everyday after school, neither of us have anything else to do. We study together, bike together, and most importantly, we have more fun than I have ever had in my whole life. He is incredibly smart, one time when I wasn't understanding a math concept he stayed up with me until two thirty in the morning on video chat, guiding me through problem after problem, until I understood it entirely. I aced the test the next week! He has been so helpful, I couldn't wish for a better friend, I guess some wishes do come true. Gotta go, Nathan is here to pick me up, we are going to get ice cream!

2-29-2020

Dear Grandma,

Something incredible happened last night! I was over at Nathan’s house studying. He gave me a math equation that was as follows 9x-7i>3(3x - 7u). When I solved it It looked like this i <3 u!. At first I hadn't realised the secret code. I glanced back at the answer, wondering why he was grinning like an idiot. I finally noticed that the less than symbol and the three had made a heart. His nerdy way of confessing love was the perfect way to melt my heart. I looked at him and gave him a reassuring smile before I wrapped my arms around him. At first he was tense, he slowly relaxed and wrapped his arms around me. I didn't know a hug could be so warm, or that one smile could blind a person to all the horrors in the world.

3-2-2020

Dear Grandma, 

Me and Nathan had our first date. We walked to a small restaurant about a mile from the school. We sat kinda awkwardly while we waited for our food to arrive. He had ordered a burger and fries and I had ordered the same, mine didn't have pickles though. Finally the food arrived, we made small talk as we ate. When we had finally left we walked slowly to the park. We strolled the paths for hours, once we were not surrounded by strangers eating, the conversation was much less awkward. At around eleven thirty at night he stopped. “Can I... kiss you” He had asked, a nervous expression on his face. A look of shock had flashed across my face only momentarily before I replied. “I would like that very much” I had stated slowly. He leaned forward, I momentarily panicked, I had never kissed anybody before. Before I could calm myself his lips were on mine. He kissed me, only for a second. He pulled away and looked at me. “Well that was...awkward.” ‘It wasn't that bad” I lied. It was the perfect,awkward end to the perfect,awkward date.

4-4-2020

Dear Grandma,

I think I might throw up! Well, actually I already did. This morning I woke up unusually late for a Saturday. Yesterday I had stayed home from school because I had thrown up that morning. I had felt fine the rest of the day. The same thing happened today, so I got scared and walked to the convenience store. I glanced around before picking up a pregnancy test. When I got home I tested, now I am waiting for results. 

Grandma, I'm pregnant! How could this be possible, I only did it once. Oh my god,this is so bad! Of all the things to happen, why this! I have to call Nathan! I'll continue writing after the call.

I talked to Nathan, he sounded really concerned and I think he is flipping out more than me. He told me he is not mad, which is a huge relief. I’m not sure what i'm going to do.

4-5-2020

Dear Grandma,

Me and Nathan have decided to keep the baby. We know how hard it is going to be, but we just couldn't even bear the thought of doing anything else. Nathan works two jobs now, trying to get us financially stable before the arrival of the baby. My foster family kicked me out, I live with Nathan and his family now. They have been really supportive and sometimes I think they are kinda excited. On the inside I am too, I'm worried,scared,unsure, but I am also a little excited. Who wouldn't be? I am going to be a mama! 

4-24-2020

Dear Grandma,

Mom called again. For the first time in four years, she called while she was sober. She talked without her usual drunken slur. I enjoyed catching up with her. She told me that she got a job and a good apartment. She said soon she would be able to support me. She told me I could come home. She was crying tears of joy as she told me all the things she wanted us to do together. Finally it was my turn to talk. I hadn't told her about the baby yet. When I told her I heard her voice fall. “What?” she asked calmly. We talked for a while and she kept telling me how hard it would be. She would know, she had me when she was seventeen. Once we got past all the negatives she told me that despite the circumstances she was still excited to be a grandma. Is that how you felt when you found out my mom was pregnant? 

5-22-2020

Dear Grandma,

Mom showed up at Nathan’s house today. I had cried as I opened the door and saw her standing there. She hugged me and told me everything. I am to start moving in within the week. It was at that moment I realised I couldn't leave Nathan. I told her I would have to talk to Nathan about it, she said he could stay with us. I don't know how he will react, but it would be so good for me to reconnect with my mom. Surely he would understand.

5-23-2020

Dear Grandma,

He didn't understand. Me and Nathan got into a huge fight when he got home from work. He told me about how he goes to work everyday for this baby and that I was asking too much of him. He told me to just go, go live with my mom. He said that clearly I didn't need him. I do need him, I love him. He refuses to talk anymore about it and I am to move in three days. How has my life become such a disaster again? It had been going so good for a few months. I had a boyfriend, my mom was sober, I was pregnant. Now, I fucked it all up.

6-3-2020

Dear Grandma,

I have been living with mom for about a week. Everything has been going okay. I really miss Nathan. I have been trying to call him but he never answers. I really hope he realises that I am having his baby and that I need him. Not only do I need the help, but I love him. I never stop thinking about him. I want my baby to have a father. I want my baby to have the perfect life I never had. Every tear that hits this page is just another broken dream.

6-20-2020

Dear Grandma,

Nathan came to the apartment today! He had been standing on the doorstep, flowers in his hand. He had told me how sorry he felt and how much he had missed me over the month. We both cried as we held each other close. I had forgotten how warm his hugs were. He is moving in with me and mom!. Also my bump is starting to show, I'm so excited! My life isnt perfect, but for now it's close enough.

7-11-2020

Dear Grandma,

 We had an ultrasound today. We decided we didn't want to know the sex of the baby. I personally think it's a boy, Nathan thinks it's a girl. My mother agrees with Nathan. We picked a crib and set it up in Nathan and I’s room. I am having my baby shower soon. I don't have a lot of people to invite. Nathan invited a few people from his work, his family and his brother who lives in Colorado.I invited my old foster family and that's all. I know they kicked me out but I figure forgive and forget. If they want to support me now I will let them. I'm so ready for this baby! I have to go, it's time for dinner. Nathan is getting quite good at cooking.

7-15-2020

Dear Grandma,

I had my baby shower yesterday. I got some nice gifts. I got a few gender neutral onesies and outfits, some books, some pacifiers, and baby bottles. Everyone was so nice. It was so amazing to know that I have all these kind people supporting me in my journey.My foster family came. Gabby was really disappointed when she realised she wouldn't see the baby that day. They didn't give me anything except an apology. That was the best gift. For although I didn't like them very much, they still gave me a home for a portion of my life. Now I just have to wait for my bundle of joy.

8-21-2020

Dear Grandma,

We have been working on baby names. I have been focusing on boy names because I really think it is a boy. So far we like the names Ethan, Delphia (Delph for short),Liam, and Noah. My favorite is Delphia. I think it just has a unique quality the others dont have. It makes me think of a cunning elf, not like Santa's elves, more like “Lord of the Rings” elves. You know, the cute ones with the impressive bow and arrow skills. We haven't even started girl names, although Nathan did suggest Ruby. I don't like it so much, It just sounds girly.

9-10-2020

Dear Grandma,

I have been having weird cravings. My main one is peanut butter toast, it is practically all I have wanted to eat for three days! Pickles and watermelon are some other examples. Of course I wouldn't eat them at the same time, haha! My bump is getting bigger and bigger. Oops, some pickle juice dripped on the page! I better go before I ruin my journal. 

11-1-2020

Dear Grandma,

Me and Nathan went to a Halloween party last night. It was really fun! For my costume I took some baby doll arms and stuck them to my belly. I made fake blood and skin around them. It looked like my baby was clawing its way out! I got a lot of comments on it, it was really funny. Nathan went as a scarecrow. He made his own costume. When he's not working he tries to keep busy. Recently he has taken up sewing. He has even sewed the baby some clothes! He is such a good boyfriend! I don't know what I would do without him!

12-14-2020

Dear Grandma, 

I am sitting in the hospital. I had the baby yesterday! She gave me such a scare! She was born a week early. She is now in the NICU. They are hoping to have her out by Christmas. It's a Girl! We didn't even pick out a girl name. We were cycling through name after name yesterday before it hit me. I should name her after the person who gave me light in the darkness. The person who inspires me to keep going every day. I named her after you, Josephine.

12-25-2020

Dear Grandma,

It is Josephine's first Christmas today! She got out of the NICU three days ago. This morning Santa *wink wink* brought her a new blankie and a stuffed bear. I realised something this morning. As I sat in the living room of our apartment I realised how truly blessed I was. I sat by the tree and watched my mom open my gift to her, it was a photo album I had made of the past few months. Watching her eyes fill with tears of joy, my boyfriend beside her holding my brand new baby close in his arms. Tears slipping down his cheeks, I realised I had the perfect life. I had a loving boyfriend,who will hopefully someday become my husband. I have a mother again. I have a baby who I love more than the world. You know what grandma, I think the weight has been lifted. I think I can finally stand tall.