Quiet Memories

It must have been so late, no lights out, not a sound in the night. Felt like anything yet nothing was watching me. Maybe it's just my head playing tricks. 

Or maybe I've just watched too many movies. I can't help but laugh at such a silly thought. But I quiet down, it feels weird for my laugh to be the only thing I hear. Almost like I'm insane...

I walk through an empty house, that's not really all that empty when you think about it. It's filled with memories, dreams, and ambitions. 

I walk through this empty house, seeing as the world around me has changed, yet I am still the same. In this home, I saw my kids grow up, in this home they took their first steps... and also they're last.

The once painted walls with crayons are now smeared with blood. Hand marks that used to be painted by their small hands are now clawed and tattered. 

The halls through which they played and laughed, and even cried, are dead silent. My stumbling feet will never lead me to them again. 

The halls that surround me will only remind me of them. Again and again, they're all I can remember, all I ever care to remember. And as I finally step into the guest room… They'd spend so long in here. 

Inviting their friend, and playing till the sky got dark… Now it always feels dark. There is no reason for me to be in this room… Maybe it's because I can't stand being in their bedrooms anymore.

Because I've spent too long there… And sometimes amongst all this silence, I believe I hear them… But it's just my mind playing tricks again.

It's not fair… I tried so hard, even after the chaos broke loose… Those savages at my door, those savages who banged on my windows… The ones who made it in.

I wasn't fast enough… I couldn't be quiet enough when I needed to be. And poor little kids cry… Those cries that I used to be able to calm… At that moment, even I wasn't calm enough. 

Because those that came… They ravaged through my home. Through what was once my heaven, and is now my hell. Here where I used to cradle them in my arms and talk to them aimlessly. Where we laughed, and they’d put on my shoes, and stomp around thinking they were adults. 

Seeing them grow up to be one, would have been a dream… But now… Those things that took them, silently wait outside. Beyond my barricaded doors and windows. 

They lie in wait, trying to listen, trying to hear me… Because they want to take me too. 

To pull me, and tear me, to bite me, and break me… That's all they want to do. I don't wanna make a sound, because my cries alert them, my laugh… Everything I do, makes them want to get me. 

Sometimes I go up to my room, and open a window… Considering if I should just jump off. My kids were my lifeline… All I was here for, now it's gone. 

It's been days, so many days… Such quiet long days. I can't sleep at night anymore… So I aimlessly walk the house, going room after room, and today I wind up here. 

In this quiet, barricaded, and dark… Empty room. Where my friends used to come, where my family used to visit and tell me the kids were so tall. That they looked just like me. 

I should have listened to my senses when it was all starting, I should have grabbed my keys and my kids and left. But now I'm still in this empty room, all alone… And I can't imagine leaving. 

I think it would feel like leaving them, saying goodbye, without even saying it. I've wound up having their toys in every room. Sometimes I grab them and squeeze them in my arms. 

Yet in this dead silence, out of nowhere, I swear I can hear someone walking. It's not like I normally hear of those things outside, dragging their feet. Or when I swear I can hear my kids just going up the stairs. 

This… This I believe is someone walking… But their steps, it sounds so carefree. Not like me crawling through my own home, in fear of being heard. 

But just as out of nowhere that those steps started… They stopped. They just stopped, so. So. So it really is in my head. So why… Why in the name of all that is holy, do I hear a knock on my door. 

I try to ignore it, but it's persistently there… Those things… They've never knocked on the door, at least never gently. Just banged, and banged till they could breakthrough. In whatever you can call the state of grief I am in. I walk to the door that's barricaded by the sofas I used to sit on with them. 

We would watch so many movies, and repeat some of them a hundred times. Now, these seats are stained… But not with paint liked id like them to be. Not with drinks they spilled, or food that fell off their plates. 

A part of me can't stand to look at it, while the other stares at what it once was. Looking past it onto the door, I open my mouth for the first time in days to speak, and not cry, not laugh, but speak, “Who’s there?”

I don't hear anything. I don't hear a single thing, but the knocking stops. And the growling starts. The banging and the banging, the screams, the yells, everything just bubbles up the world around me. 

I reach up with my hands and cover my ears, I don't wanna hear it, I don't wanna hear any of it. I don't wanna remember the screams that day, I should have stayed in the same room. I shouldn't have gone out to get anything. I should have patiently waited… And waited… We’d still all be together. 

Me and my kids… We could have left the day after. We’d be alright, we’d be fine! As I turn away from the door, I see the brightest purple eyes. Four bright purple eyes staring at me before they disappear just as quick as they appeared. 

I hear the window break, and growling getting so loud on that side. Stumbling on my shaky feet, at the back of my head, I know so strongly that I need to run. That I need to hide, to leave, to live…

But right in front of me, I see my way out. Yet why… Why is my instinct to run up the stairs, why do my eyes land on the door of the room who does nothing but haunt my every day? 

I stare at it, for what feels like an eternity, I stare and stare, before I hear the screams below me. And I run. I shut the door, I lock my room, and I hide in a corner like a child. 

Like the way they must have hidden when I should have been the one hugging them. Telling them that it would fine, swearing I'd protect them… Leaving that room, was my biggest mistake, and it continues to haunt me every breathing moment. 

I shouldn't have gone to get that toy… The toy that's right beside me. The one that was taken everywhere, except that one day. I just wanted them to be calm… To be safe, to feel some kind of happiness in the middle of chaos. 

Now, I just grab that toy, and hold it as close to me as I can… It's all I can do. Even after all these days, it still smells like the cookies they'd try feeding it. 

Pressing it so hard against my chest, continuing to hear the banging, and screaming. Those things were running up the stairs trying to find me. Haunting my existence… Reminding me, I should have never left that room. 

The night sky outside was the same we shared that day, looking up at the stars, and keeping them entertained. All while trying to make them fall asleep so that I could keep them safe another night. 

So why do these days, I can only look up at the sky, and be reminded of how alone I am. Because my stories won't be heard, my words will just fall into an endless abyss of loneliness. 

I am so… So tired. My eyes feel heavy, my chest hurts. My arms are bruised, my legs are numb, my head… Is wide awake in pain. 

There is no way to describe what I feel, no amount of words to speak for me to convey it. But it's, it's like my reality is drifting, the world I knew completely torn apart. Sometimes I can't feel myself. Like I'm empty I guess, those screeches outside reminding me I am still alive. 

The pain and the scratches on my arms, marking my past. So that every day I look down at them, I am reminded of my failure. Because no one is here to tell me anything. 

No one can help hug my sadness away, no amount of sweet words will make me feel better. Because for the rest of whatever is left of my life, I'll be walking in an abyss of my own misery. 

The nightstand beside my bed, with the picture frame, of a happy little family, is just a dream now. It taunts me into a time where I was happy. Taunts me about a time where we were together. Mocking me, with a time I can't turn back to. 

So I sit in my empty room, waiting for the silence to devour me once more. All as I stare at the walls, tattered and broken. Reflecting how I feel, but nowhere near, all the pain that is still erupting inside me. 

I can never take them to the park again, we can't ever get that dog they wanted. The songs we sang, are just a lullaby to the memories we had. I can't build the fort in the guest room anymore, because there's no one there. 

No one can take on a magical adventure because I am alone. And in all reality… I am well aware my time in this world is short, Kiev fought my battles… And I tired fighting theirs, only to fail. 

So I sit, clutching this toy in my arms, hoping to fall asleep, and dream of a fantasy. So that I may escape this nightmare. 

Because even when the sun comes up in a few hours, my nightmare won't end, there is no end, I can't see the light at the end of this miserable tunnel… I must be blind.

I am so scared, feeling like I should try hiding under the covers. I don't feel safe, I don't even really feel alive…

What can I possibly do?