What Could Have Been

The warmth of the mid-day sun flushed across my face as my mind wandered to thoughts of no job, no kids, no duties or obligations. A simpler time seems so far out of reach as my fortieth birthday looms like a dark cloud overhead. To think that once upon a time I was just a reckless teenager without a care in the world, running wild and having fun. I am quickly snapped out of my daydream when I hear the sharp whirring of the coffee machine and the smell of freshly ground bean flood my nostrils. I jolt at the sound that has become synonymous with Friday morning meetings, but for some reason, it seems out of place in my mind today. 

“Kiera, can you give the team a breakdown of the numbers for me?” Dave’s voice comes out harsh and raspy which makes Kiera jump ten feet out of her chair.

“Ummmm... I have the numbers with me somewhere,” she frantically sifts through the contents of her purse, “ah-ha, there they are.”

“This week's breakdown,” she says proudly once she locates the notebook she was looking for “the Stanford branch came in with 65 new leads, 132 sales, 21 new trainees, and 40 recruited customers.”

“Now was that so hard.” Dave booms.

Kiera looks like she wants to crawl under the table and never come out.

“Next week, I expect better. This company prides itself on three main principles,”

“integrity, determination, and efficiency” everyone joins in, mindlessly regurgitating the core values drilled into our head the moment we walked through the doors.

“Thank you and I will see you on the other side. Meeting dismissed.” 

“Thank you for finally letting us get on with our actual job,” I whisper under my breath. Every week Dave insists on these pointless meetings where we never get anything accomplished and always end up feeling a little bit worse about ourselves.

I nearly trip over the trash can as I rush back to my desk.

“Tonight’s the night, are you excited?” Maggie squeals as she peeks her head over the cubicle divider.

“Keep it down, we’re not eleven anymore,” I say as my cheeks flush bright pink.

“I know but this is just so great. You, finally getting out there again and me, the master matchmaker who works tirelessly to bring desperate singles together for life. All is right in the world.” She places a hand dramatically over her forehead and leans back.

“Whatever cupid. It’s not that big of a deal, so you can save the theatrics.” I roll my eyes and glare at her.

“It is a big deal, this is the first time you have agreed to go on a date, nay, look at a person of the opposite gender without disgust since ‘you know who’.” She says with a flash of guilt after mentioning my ex-husband to me like I am a fragile doll that might break at any moment.

“It’s alright, you can say his name. What he did was awful, but I am definitely in a better place and I am so over him.” I add a little too enthusiastically. She looks at me full of skepticism but drops the topic and moves on to what to wear, where to go, and what my “plans” are for the night.

The rest of the day I breeze through my work, but time seems to stretch on forever. Finally, I am able to pack up my things and head home to get ready for this mystery man.

As soon as I walk through the door, I go into full mom mode. I am bombarded with “sign this”, “Kit did this”, “Toby spilled juice on my bed”, and my favorite “Sam refused to put pants on and is running around peeing on all the furniture.” I hunker down and power through to put out most of the fires before the babysitter is scheduled to arrive at seven. Just as I get all the kiddos settled down the doorbell rings. 

“Hey Sarah, thanks again for coming on such short notice. I really appreciate the help.” I say as I welcome her into the house. “Make yourself comfortable, eat anything you can find in the fridge and I should be home by ten.”

“Sounds good. I will let you know if any problems arise.” Sarah responds like an old pro.

“Perfect, I am just going to finish getting ready and I will be on my way.” I head upstairs to freshen up. 

It takes me a while to pick out the right outfit and get my face looking presentable, but I finally manage to get out the door. 

I arrive at the restaurant a few minutes early, which is a rare occasion when you have four kids and I use them to mentally prepare myself. When seven o’clock rolls around my mystery man hasn’t shown up, so I decided to go to the table. I don’t think anything of the tardiness until five minutes turn into ten which slowly turns into twenty and after a half an hour of sitting by myself looking like a loser I am about ready to give up and leave when ---

“Cora?” I hear a familiar voice call out my name from behind. My whole body contracts. It can’t be, I pivot too quickly and stumble backward. A pair of strong arms catch me and I am staring up at Brian Petterson, my first boyfriend. 

“Oh my gosh, sorry. I’m such a klutz.” I try to compose my thoughts, but I just can’t believe he is here. 

“Hey, no problem. I guess some things never change.” He chuckles and I give him a mock frown.

“What are you doing back? I thought you were stationed in Iraq.” I remember the day he enlisted in the army like it was yesterday. I was prepared to follow him anywhere, I even considered joining with him. I brought him to the airport and he got on that plane and he never looked back. I waited for months to hear from him, writing every day, but he never contacted me. I heard from his sister that he deployed to Iraq a few years later, but she didn’t tell me that he had gotten home. 

“I got back a couple years ago when my wife got sick. Anna was stationed overseas until she was diagnosed with stage four liver cancer. I was able to retire shortly after she passed away.” 

“Wow, I’m so sorry to hear that. No one should ever have to experience that.” I offer my sympathies, but I know firsthand the evils of cancer and how nothing can really fill the void of losing a loved one.

“Thanks, but enough about my sob story. How have you been, I haven’t seen you since graduation.” He sounds genuine, but how can he be so friendly after the way he left things.

“Pretty good, I have four boys, I work at a crappy tech company that I have been at for fifteen years. I was married and divorced and it appears that I have been stood up on my first attempt to get back in the dating game, so it’s been a crazy ride.” I plaster a smile on my face and let out an awkward laugh.

“Sounds like it.” He says and looks longingly at the door.

“If you need to go, or whatever. I’m fine here. I’m a big girl now.” I say, not wanting to be a burden.

“No, not at all. Would you believe me if I told you I was also waiting for somebody?” 

“Not you too,” I say with my best puppy dog eyes.

“Sorry to leave you in the lonely club by yourself, but if you must know I am waiting for my sister.” He says with an edge of defensiveness.

“I didn’t mean to ruffle any feathers, it just sounded like you were alluding to being a fellow victim of blind dates gone wrong.” I throw my hands up in surrender.

“Don’t worry Cora, I have definitely had my fair share of bad dates.” He says calming the anger rising in my throat.

Before I have a chance to tease him about admitting defeat, Emily, his sister walks through the door.

“I guess your date has arrived, I will leave you two alone.” I joke. “ Don’t let another twenty years go by before I see you again, alright?” 

“Will do. It was good seeing you again.” He says and sticks a hand out to shake. I doge his arm and pull him into an embrace. He soon wraps his arms around me and we stay like that for just a little longer than acceptable for friends.

“Don’t be a stranger,” I whisper in his ear and I can feel his eyes on me as I leave the restaurant.

I walk to my car pondering my strange and unexpected encounter with Brian. Once I make it home, I still can’t shake the thought of Brian and what happened all those years ago. Where did we go wrong when we were so good together?

I make sure everything went well for Sarah and check on all of the boys before I head to bed. Before I can fall asleep I give Maggie a call. 

“Thank you so much for setting me up with that guy,” I say with as much fake enthusiasm as I can muster.

“Uh oh, what happened?” She knows me too well to fall for any of my tricks.

“He didn’t even show up. I waited there like a complete fool for thirty minutes. Luckily, I ran into an old friend. Do you remember Brian Peterson?” I ask.

“Um, yeah.” She says like it’s the most obvious statement ever. 

“I keep running it over in my mind and even though we haven’t been together in forever and we have both been married, I can’t help feeling like there is still something there. Especially with the abrupt end to our relationship that we had.” I express my dilemma and even through the phone I can feel her analyzing my every word. 

“Well, duh. You guys were the power couple in high school. Everyone thought you would be the ones to get married, have two and a half kids, a dog, and a picket fence. 

“Do you think there is any chance he feels the same way?” I say, excitement runs through my body.

“There’s only one way to find out. Oh my gosh, you should invite him to your fortieth birthday party!” She says a little too eagerly.

“No way, I am not inviting him to a representation of me turning into an old lady.” I counter.

“Ok, first of all, you are not an old lady, and second, it will be the perfect opportunity to clear up any confusion about how both of you feel. I say it’s a win-win.”

“Fine, I’ll call him tomorrow, but if this blows up in my face I am never taking relationship advice from you again,” I threaten.

The next morning I make the phone call I have been dreading all night. He picks up on the first ring.

“Hey, Brian. I know last night was pretty out of the blue and a bit awkward, but my birthday is coming up and I was wondering if you would be interested in coming. I completely understand if you’re busy or don’t want to come, but I don’t know it could be fun.” I blurt out and immediately regret everything I just said. 

“Relax, I’ll be there. Just tell me where to go and when to be there.” He says and I barely hear what he says over the pounding in my ear.

“Cool, thanks. It’s next Saturday at six o’clock at my house. I can send you the address later.”

“Sounds great, see you then.”

“Alrighty, bye,” I say quickly and hang up the phone. “Alrighty, bye” what was I thinking. I wouldn’t be surprised if he is pretending to be nice to not hurt my feelings and he really isn’t going to show up Saturday.

Saturday sneaks up on me quicker than expected and what once was just a birthday I didn’t want to happen, turned into an event that could change my whole relationship status on multiple levels. Maggie and Piper have planned this whole party to perfection, as always, so all I have to do now is wait. 

As the guests start to come, I scan the crowd for the only face I truly care about at the moment. My eyes land on my unsuspecting target and I nonchalantly make my way over.

“Hey, I'm so glad you could make it,” I say to Brian.

“Of course, I wouldn’t miss it. It’s not every day I get to see Cora Blackwell party. Plus, it is the big four zero.” He winks at the last part and I can’t help but laugh.

“Ok, no need to dwell on my age. You're right up there with me you know.” I say.

“Don’t remind me. How did I end up here? A single dad of two girls and five cats. Yes, five cats.” I raise my eyebrow and look at him with a new appreciation.

“I respect that, it takes some serious dedication to raise one cat, let alone five,” I say, but I can’t stop my mind from thinking about his two daughters and that if we got married, we would have six kids, five cats, and three dogs. I stop myself quickly though, why am I thinking about marriage? I haven’t heard from Brian in twenty-plus years and somehow after two conversations, he has me right back under his spell. 

“Cora,” he says with hesitation.

“Yes,” I prompt.

Before I realize what’s happening I feel his soft lips pressed against mine, the whole room fading away, and it feels like we had never been apart.