New Journey

“I’m sorry, Miss! Are you hurt?”

The young lady shakes her head, smiling politely.

“It’s okay, sir. There are so many people today. It is hard to move around.”

That guy’s pale face brightens again. He said his apology one more time and start moving again, searching for his seat. She just sends him away with her two eyes.

Chaotic. A word to describe this train. There are so many people taking this trip due to a public holiday next week. Furthermore, because the break is due to a main religious festival, a lot of people opt to take extra leaves to have more time with their family and also going back to their hometown. But not her.

The irony is real. Most people on this train are coming back home, but she is not. She left her home. To be precise, she is forced to leave. Why? It is just because she is a failure, failed throughout her life. Has she not worked hard enough?

“Welcome to the Northern Trail Express. This train will depart in five minutes according to the schedule. Please ensure that you are in the correct seat and your belongings have been stored in the right place. Take your seat, relax, and enjoy this journey. Thank you.

That announcement has just broken her thoughts. Good. She watches some of the passengers are still struggling in finding their seats and storing their things. A few moments later, she can feel the ground under her feet moved, signaling that the train has departed to its destination. At the same time, marking a new journey for her.

In reality, she did not know why she chooses to board this train the night before. It is an impulse to leave everything that she knows made her do it. Everything that betrayed her, and also everything that did not want her to go. Her heart is pained. Anger, the feeling of betrayal, morosity, and overwhelming guilt consumed her. It is just horrendous.

Those moments of humiliation were still vivid in her mind until now. The way her mother announced that she is a disgrace to the family and how the family council threw her out. The way her youngest aunt shouting at her mother in disbelief of what her sister just did. Of course, she is shocked. The lady’s mother, her own sister, drove out her own third daughter instead of defending her in front of the council. Not enough of that, she actually voted her daughter out of the family. Only the lady’s aunt vote going against the decision.

The memory of his father's anguished scream from outside the door still makes her heart broken into pieces. Her father’s hurt in his loud scream is truly unbearable for her. How dare she if she cannot feel that? Her always calm, gentle father changed into that manner because of her. She still can hear the sound of her father trying to break the door of the meeting hall, only being held back by her baby sister and her uncle. The cold fury on her older sisters’ action still consumes her. They agreed to throw her out. Disappointed. Disappointment is not enough to describe her feeling about their betrayal.

After that fateful verdict, she rushed out of the hall, finding his father’s figure slumped on the floor on his knees, crying. She hugged him and calmed him down, saying that everything will be fine. Even though she knew her father knew her lie. She knows that her father was in despair because he was unable to do anything to rectify the situation. He is married into the family, hence rendered powerless and an outcast to many members of the family, which is sickening. In her nuclear family, her mother is the one that makes the all-important decisions, not her father. Because of what? Their background. Her baby sister and her father helped her packing up. All of them were in tears because they do not know when or can they meet again.  She left the house late at night with only her father and little sister saying see you again. The goodbye phrase is unspoken by all of them because it hurts a lot. Before leaving, she managed to secretly left her e-mail to his father, hidden inside his favourite book that she borrowed in her room. She is totally barred from contacting anyone in her family. It is painful but understandable.

The driver left her at the general station as the last act of kindness from the ones that threw her out. The old driver cried and wished her the best in life. The driver has been with her for her whole life, she truly did not know whether she can meet him again. She withdrew a lot of her money from an ATM in the station and buy a one-way ticket to the north of the country without thinking of anything. The train is scheduled for the next morning. She took her rest for the night in one of the travellers’ hall and hop into this train this morning after freshens up. It was raining heavily this morning, but it has not deterred a lot of people who are taking trains and buses to various parts of the country this morning, each with their own agenda.

Sitting quietly in her seat beside the window, she continues her thought. She truly does not know what to expect in her new journey. Her new cause of anxiety is disturbing her right now. She truly hates it when she did not know what to expect. It made her feel unprepared. Weak. Vulnerable. However, that is her current situation now. Nobody to get help and nobody to help her.

The moving scenery outside the window greets her and break her thought. The view is so picturesque. Lush green paddies, kampung (village) houses, the birds, the buffaloes, the hills, mountains. All of them are taking her breath away. It is just so calm. Peace. Their presence is like a beacon to her loss. Making her hoping to have meaningful time in this journey and making her willing to work hard to get what she wants. Plus, praying to God to make everything falls into their correct place with pure light.