Why I Need To Stick Around

10.  I have yet to find love. I’ve come close a few times in my life. I remember once at work a guy who worked in the back got close to me. We would talk a lot, and I gave him my number. I never intended him to actually text me. I thought we were only joking around. He wanted to be friends. It made me uncomfortable. Not because of anything that he was saying, but because I didn’t know how to ‘do’ friends. I wasn’t very sociable. It wasn’t helped by the fact that his messages had a very unsettling tone to them. His messages were broad, and he tried to shape everything as a joke. I had the feeling he was flirting with me, but I’ve never been good at telling when someone was flirting with me. Rumors were being thrown around at work that I had a crush on him, which simply wasn’t true. 

One night after work he texted me, apologizing for not talking to me all day. He said it didn’t want to be awkward at work, and I asked him why it would’ve been awkward. I understood why completely, but I wanted him to express his feelings. He confessed he had confusing feelings, but he didn’t feel like talking about them. I told him I wanted him to tell me as soon as he felt comfortable, and I had a feeling I knew what the issue was. Not much later he admitted he had a crush on me. I had hoped I was reading too much into his messages, but now there was no denying it. The situation was made all the more complicated, not only with the fact that I’m ace, but that he already had a girlfriend. I explained to him my situation and my interests, which was to remain friends and there was never a change I’d be interested. He understood, and even said he was glad we could still be friends. 

    That was probably the closest I ever got. It’s not much of a love story. More like two young adults side stepping their feelings until forced to face them. I’m more mature now. There’s a chance that there’s someone out there for me. He may enter my life as a friend, or a mysterious figure I see at a club. A friendly face I see at a coffee shop. Literally anyone. I have the chance to create love with anyone. I want to know what it feels like to look at another person and love them unconditionally. To wake up next to them in the morning, and go to bed together at night. I’ll fall in love with someone who’ll be my best friend. He’ll laugh at my good jokes and be honest when my jokes aren’t landing. He’ll be up for adventure, but also down to hang out and do nothing. He’ll love movies and TV, and we’ll pick new shows to binge watch every night when we both get off of work. He’ll be stupid, but the lovable fun stupid where he’s not afraid to be a little loud if it means making the room a little brighter. I want to find that. 

9. There is so much ahead of me that I haven’t gotten around to yet. It’s crazy to think of everything that I haven’t done, whether I can do it or not. I’ve never climbed the Eiffel Tower, and it’s likely I never will. But I’ve also never eaten sushi. I know I have the opportunity to try sushi at least once in my life. There’s this nice little buffet a few blocks from my house where they put the sushi on little boats and you pick the plates up as they float around the bar. It’s great. I know I can do that. And there’s all the books I haven’t read, and the movies I haven’t seen. I’ve never played poker in a real casino, and I’ve never been on a Ferris wheel. I want to go on a Ferris wheel. 

There’s so much I haven’t created. Maybe I’ll write a book. I have a lot to talk about. I could write about my career, or my childhood. My book doesn’t even have to be about me. It could be fictional. I could create a whole world with languages and biomes and unique trees and people and magic and monsters. It doesn’t have to be a good book, either. As long as I’m enjoying it it’ll be meaningful. Who knows, it could also leave an impact on the world.

There’s so much to learn. I could learn to dance. I could teach myself piano. I could try pot. I could work out. There’s so much I could do. And there’s so much that I don’t know I could do. Maybe one day I’ll climb the Eiffel Tower. I don’t know. I think I should be able to find out.  

8. My family would miss me. My mother would be devastated. I remember when my father died, she mourned for months. Even while she was mourning she provided for the family. She went to work and took care of the house all while dealing with the loss of her husband. She had to stay strong for me and my sister. She’s gone through so much pain. It would be unfair to her. She wouldn’t understand why, and I wouldn’t be able to explain it to her. The same goes for my sister. We were never close. At least that’s how I remember it. Maybe when we were younger, but we grew apart in our later years. I don’t really understand why. I know I grew up to be the odd one out in my family, and I know that our father’s death hit her especially hard, but I never did anything to make her treat me like she does. I don’t like her, and that’s not right. The future may change that. One day we may grow closer once she sees how shitty she treated me. I need to be there to see that day; to finally hear her admit she was in the wrong. 

7. This whole thing is just crazy. I don’t understand it. I shouldn’t have to explain myself. It’s my life, so I should have the choice to live it how I want. Why should I defend my choice? There’s nothing wrong with black and white answers. If it’s my choice, that means it’s the right one. Obsessing over it won’t help my case. It’ll just make me paranoid. Nothing good will come from it. 

6. This is like saying that this is as good as I’ll ever be. That’s not true. Everyone has the ability to grow. That goes for me, too. I don’t know who I’m going to be in a year, or five, or ten. Hell, I may change within the hour. That’s the thing about life. It’s unpredictable, and that can either be good or bad. I should get the opportunity to better myself. It’s not like I’m horrible already, but I know I’m not perfect. I recognize that, so that means that I have the ability to change myself for the better. There’s nothing wrong with changing myself if that’s what I want. I want to be better. I can be better. I deserve to be better. 

5. I deserve more than this. I’ve paid my dues. I’ve tried hard to do everything right. I’ve worked hard since I was 14. I was helping my parents pay their bills when I was still in high school. I spent years being bullied by my family, and I still treat them with respect. I work in a dead end job, but I show up because that’s what I need to do. I try my best with everything I do. I treat others well because that’s the right thing to do. I don’t deserve this. I’m a good person. I deserve better. 

4. Even if I’m not as good of a person I think I am, I don’t deserve this. Don’t I deserve to make it right? If I’m a bad person, I deserve to become better. What’s the point of showing me I’m a bad person if I don’t get the opportunity to make myself better? Why look at my life if I can’t use my past to make my future better? 

3. This whole thing is ridiculous. You can’t control me. What power do you have over me? This is my choice, not yours. 

2. This isn’t right. Please. I don’t deserve this. It’s not my fault. I’ll be better. I promise I can do better. 

1. I don’t want to go.