Waiting for Forgiveness

I wait and keep on waiting. Like an idiot. It’s been 5 years and here I am, still waiting. And I promise myself to keep on waiting even if it takes 10 years and I won’t stop.

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I will do everything that she told me to do. Well, she ‘forces’ me to do. I will do the laundry for her, I will cook delicious food for her even though she wouldn’t even eat it, I will make sure the house is clean whenever she's home. But still… nothing. Not even a simple ‘thank you’. It’s pretty much my routine now. Every day, doing the same thing over and over again. Then I’m back to phrase one.

‘Waiting’.

It's still the same as today. Nothing change between us.

But I never get tired. I won’t give up. Even if I have to, I’ll keep on being the ‘good’ daughter. I may as well be her maid. I won’t let this problem or tension between us break me.

I want to make dad proud with me…

After all, Dad wouldn’t want his family to fall apart…

I would be lying if I say I’m okay with her ordering me around every single time even though we have a maid.

There are times when I want to give up… so bad.

I eventually get jealous with others, my friends. Even though they argue with their parents, they can easily fix their relationship.

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Meanwhile my situation is complicated.

Why am I different? Why is she different? What did I do wrong?

Why is it so hard? I thought doing all those chores would at least makes her look at me. Hell, I’ll be elated if she even glares at me.

But the problem is…

She wouldn't even look at me. Not once.

Am I ugly? Am I really her daughter? Did the chores that I’ve done before couldn’t satisfy her? Did she hates me that much?

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But deep down I know…

I’m the reason why mom changed. Why we become distant. Why our relationship fall apart.

Mom changed when dad died 5 years ago. She did a complete 180. She becomes a stranger. We become… distant. We are not what we used to be.

I get tired trying to earn her affection and get her attention. Whenever mom get home, she won’t even spare a glance at me, her own freaking daughter. And it’s hurt. So bad.

She is still blaming me for dad's death. She couldn’t accept the fact.

Dad wouldn’t die if it wasn’t because me. It's true though. I know that so well. I blame myself too. I put the all the blame on myself. Every minutes. Every hours. Every day.

Dad saved me from being hit by a car but instead he’s the one who dies, as a hero.

I fought really hard to keep myself together. I wouldn’t allow myself to break that easily. I don’t want my family to fall apart. I only have mom left.

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I'm walking behind mom. We're on our way to visit dad's grave. It’s been a while. Mom was looking on her phone the whole time while walking so she wasn’t paying much attention when she was walking. She was trying to not look at me, to avoid me. I knew but I couldn’t care less.

HONK! HONK! HONK!

What the…

MOM!

I quickly pushed mom out of the way when a car suddenly drove so fast toward her, almost like a blur.

The next thing I know, I'm the one lying on the street. In my own puddle of blood. I couldn't felt anything. I felt dizzy. My head was pounding. I can only heard screaming coming from all direction.

I forced myself to look on my left side. Where… where is she? Where is mom? Is she safe?

And thank god…

Mom was stunned. The same incident happened again. I'm certain mom would just run away and leave me here… to die here alone. After all... she did hate me.

But to my surprise, mom immediately hugged me. I let out a gasp. She cradled me in her arms. Her face wet with tears.

It’s been so long since mom held me like this… Is this heaven?

Her voice sounded so distant. I can’t hear her clearly. I’m blinking so fast, trying hard to stay awake. I can’t leave the world yet… not without hearing she said those words first. The words that I’m desperately want to hear from her own mouth.

She begged me to open my eyes. But I can't. My eyes and brain were failing me. Damn it. Stay awake! Stay awake! Stay awake!

I can’t die like this… not until she forgives me. I’m waiting for her forgiveness all these times. I’m desperate. Too desperate.

I forced myself to speak. All that came out was air. But I still forced myself to speak. I need to convey these feelings. I’ve been waiting for too long.

God, please help me. I’m begging you. This was my last wish.

My hand was shaking but I slowly place them on mom’s wet cheek. “I'm sorry, mom. I’m sorry for causing you pain. I’m sorry for making you suffer.”

Mom cried harder. She frantically screamed for help before she eventually placed her warm hand on my cold one.

“My honey, I forgive you! Please… just open your eyes. I’m begging you. I'm sorry for treating you like garbage! Please baby. Stay with me. I can't bear another lost. I don’t want to be alone!”

I forced a grin. I can feel myself slowly losing consciousness.

My heart skips a beat. A tear rolled down my cheek.

Thank you, God. For giving me one last chance. Thank you so much.

Thank you, mom. I’ve been waiting. I’ve been waiting for so long. To earn your forgiveness.

 My eyes started to flutter close.

Finally, I can die peacefully. I can finally go. Without any regret.

Wait for me, dad. I’ll come find you.